Husband's female friend

[joannapiano82]

My husband has a work event/party coming up and originally said he wasn't going because he'd have to buy a new suit and didn't want to spend so much money before Christmas. I said last night that I'd seen some on sale and he decided to order one and go. I asked him if work had paid for a hotel (they usually do) and we live 60 miles away from the event. He said no he was staying at a friends. A woman he works with who lives close to the event, I looked surprised and he said they are friends and she has a boyfriend and sort of shut the conversation. This is the first time I've heard this woman's name, we got married last year (been together 10 years) and he invited close work friends so you'd think if they were that close she would have come up in conversation. If I bring this up I'm pretty sure it will escalate into an argument and the issue will be seen as mine. AIBU to think this is inappropriate or would others feel uncomfortable with this?

Would he be ok with you staying over at random (male) friends house?
Hes ignoring your discomfort with his actions and that’s not fair.
I’d be telling him to book a hotel and stop being so disrespectful and insensitive

Uncomfortable isn't the word. I'd be unable to accept that. I felt sick when I read it OP.

I think you need to know more. He hasn't lied which is a good thing.

You’ve never heard of this woman in the 10 years you’ve been together but he wants to sleep round her house? I think it’s very strange…

I wouldn’t be happy with DH doing this and I doubt he would be happy with me doing this. I’d rather pay the hotel

You will have posters coming on saying that if you trust him there’s no problem and they wouldn’t mind etc etc but I am pretty sure they most certainly would mind in real life
It would be a no from me ( and vice versa )

@Readinginthesun Absolutely agree. I’ve never questioned my trust for DH and would like to think he’s never had doubts about trusting me either. But this would be an absolute no. I think I might of felt different if I knew about this colleague, had met her, there were others staying round if she had a large house etc.

Part of me feels like maybe this husband really doesn’t see it as an issue as he has told OP the truth from the start and doesnt see the issue. But I still wouldn’t be comfortable

I dunno. Either you accept that he's a grown man who can control himself or he's not. Had you any suspicions about anything before this?
You could ask 'oh are you the only person staying with Maria after the party are are other people staying?'
Funny he told you she has a boyfriend. Why would he say that, unless this type of thing has arisen before.
She could be single, or a lesbian but for some reason the issue of infidelity has already crossed both of your minds with the reassurance of 'she has a boyfriend'.

God Lord - this is NOT acceptable.

My mine issues if that you feel unable to bring it up as it will be seen as you having an issue. Innocent people don't have a problem reassuring surely

To pipe up again...

OP loads of posts will come through some will say it's a huge red flag and to start treading carefully and be on your guard. Others will say you're being possessive if he isn't allowed to stay at hers or that you can't trust him. I cannot tell you any situation I have witnessed (threads similar in past or friends in RL in past) that has been all well and good after DP stays at female friend's house or even has a female friend. It never ends well. I wish I could say I've seen an Instance where it's been ok. I would be kicking up a fuss about this (if it was me).

My husband has female friends who I'd have zero issue with in this situation.

But a newly acquired friend who I didn't know, I'd think inappropriate. Doubly so from a professional perspective!

I would definitely be asking more about who she is, why you’ve never heard of her and where the boyfriend is.

This is sooooo true. I do sometimes feel insecure as even though hes never given me any cause for concern, dh works in a mostly female field and hangs out with a lot of women. However he never gets cross at me for needing reassurance and always makes me feel better about it, and myself. I'd never be afraid to talk to him about how i feel.

Yes, ask him how he would feel if you were going in a night out and staying at the house of a man he'd never heard of before.

One of my DH’s best qualities is that he has - and easily makes - friends of both sexes. And that includes colleagues. He is good friends with some of the women he works with, as well as men. They socialise together, text, etc.

I have no issue with it, because it’s open, genuinely friendly and transparent, and I trust him.

One thing he’s never done? Sleep over at anyone’s - male or female’s - house.

Especially as he works for a company that pays for their nights out / travel / hotels. Why would he - a grown adult - doss at someone’s house?!

I 100% would not be OK with this. He doesn’t need to sleep at anyone’s house. He can sleep at the hotel.

And yes - it absolutely will escalate into an argument. But that’s completely and utterly on him, so who cares?

If he doesn’t want the argument - he books into the hotel. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Same... also he'd argue about it? This is not acceptable at all. What a dick

I dunno. Either you accept that he's a grown man who can control himself or he's not.

I take it your fine with your hubby going to the strip club without you, since he's an adult and all? Or going on date night with friends, things like that?

It's an issue of poor boundaries with friends and disregarding your partners feelings as well as potential for temptation/cheating.

Either you accept that he's a grown man who can control himself or he's not.

But why is he even in a position of having to ‘control himself’?

Is everyone staying over at this woman’s house? Or just him?

Why is he making the choice to stay over at some woman’s house at all? And then have to ‘control himself’?

It doesn’t make sense, when he could either come home or stay in a hotel.

I can't imagine a situation where a male colleague in my office would do this and people not raise eyebrows.

Yes men have female friends but it's odd you haven't heard of her before now? I agree he should be booking into the hotel.

My ex DP did something similar with someone I'd never heard of. The thing that really bothered me was that they were apparently so close yet he hadn't shared the friendships with me. In the end he was a cheat but I hope in your case he's just being thoughtless.

Honestly OP - it’s actually OK to have the argument, in this situation. It’s OK for this to be ‘your issue’.

You realise that, right?

Just go ahead and tell him your thoughts and position on this - that you’re absolutely not OK with it. And if he escalates it into an argument because it’s so important to him that he does it, that tells you everything you need to know.

Keep reiterating calmly and non-argumentatively that you’re absolutely not OK with this.

The ‘argument’ is his.

Why would it start an argument if it's completely above board?
If it's completely platonic then surely he'd be doing everything to reassure you?
I'd dig deeper.

Completely agree with this. If you don't, you're essentially facilitating whatever may happen.

If he's going to cheat he can cheat in the hotel paid for by employer, doesn't need to stay over at colleague's house.

The fact he has been so open about it, and wasn't even going to go to the night out in the first place is at least proof that it is innocent. If there was anything to hide, he would probably have told you he has a hotel room to save any aggro.

However, yadnbu at all to feel how you do about this, and under no circumstances would I be happy with it, or is it acceptable. You have never heard of this woman, know nothing about her. What planet is he on!

Even if it does become 'your issue', show him this thread if you have to. It is pretty unanimous so it isn't just you who'd feel this way. Tell him you trust him and trust isn't the issue, however he is asking an awful lot of you to be ok with this. And he is. Don't feel that you are being unreasonable to have an issue with it.

You should be able to say how you honestly feel without fear of an argument. Just say the idea makes you uncomfortable and could he book a hotel room instead.