To have blown a fuse with DP this morning

[Parkopedia]

I was about to leave to walk DD to nursery in the pouring rain. Looking for my raincoat. Turns out DP wore it to cycle to work yesterday (I was in the office so didn't know this) and has forgotten to bring it home.

I snapped, and said he'll have to get out bed and take her then, and took my tea into the front room and shut the door.

The reason I snapped is that this is a trend and I'm so fed up of him forgetting things, not being able to see past the end of his nose and not being able to think more than an hour ahead of him at a time!!! Forgot his bike lock at work so had to bring the muddy bike into the house. Packing for holiday, I ask him to put one single thing in the suitcase for me while he's upstairs, he says yes he has but he hasn't. Forgets to pick up things I ask him for when he goes past the shop, the list goes on. I don't care if he forgets or loses his own stuff but when he's careless and thoughtless with my stuff, or does things that affect our family life then I draw the line!

He thinks he has undiagnosed ADHD (and I do agree he displays a lot of those behaviors) and of course I'm sympathetic if he actually does and will be supportive, but surely he needs to see his GP if that's the case? From where I'm sat, his unwillingness to actually do anything about it makes me feel like he's just using it as an excuse for laziness and thoughtlessness.

To avoid a drip feed, I really don't care that he borrowed my coat without asking. And we split the parenting pretty much 50/50. It was my turn to get up and do the breakfast and nursery run, i.e there's no issue with him being a lazy dad, in fact he'd do more if it weren't for work!

Tell him to go and see his GP or shut up about it.
And he's never to use your stuff.

I understand your frustration. I think you need to speak to him tonight, apologise for blowing your fuse but say he thinks he has a medical condition which is impacting on his ability to parent and be a husband so he needs to see the GP.

DH took my coat instead of his away for work this week as he left in dark, his was already in the boot of his car. But for him this is unusal so funny. I can see how it can be very frustrating when it is a regular occurance.

I would tell him to go the GP and get it sorted otherwise to stop going on about it and take better care and not to borrow your stuff again.

Maybe you could have just said "you'll have to do the school run" instead of snapping and storming off....surely you'd have got the same outcome? I think I have undiagnosed ADHD and I am very forgetful, but at this stage of my life I don't particularly want to put myself through GP referrals etc because what will it change? If he had a diagnosis on paper would you have been less snappy and more understanding?

My dh also has adhd (inattentive).. Been 10 years together and life is gruelling at times. Hard not to become resentful.. But the advice of a great mner last year was to ask myself did I value him more than the grudge!! And the answer was yes.

I have ADHD (inattentive) and autism, I've gone from obsessively remembering everything about everything(and burning myself out) to forgetting everything. I can't find anything in front of my face.. I know I drive DP mad with it but I honestly just can't help it. I have quite a stressful job so I have notepads and post-its everywhere! I honestly do try my best but I totally understand if I do dp's head in sometimes 😅. I do have most of the mental responsibility in the house so I guess it balances out though!

Sounds like he is having an affair and his mind is elsewhere, check his phone, and install CCTV, or maybe hire a private detective

I'm trying to figure out if this is a joke or not.....🤣

I have ADHD and am always forgetting my own damn coat somewhere. So I wouldn't do this to someone else.

I'm frequently offered umbrellas if it's chucking it down and I've forgotten (of course) to bring mine. I decline because I know I'll lose it.

I can't control when I do with objects once I have them, but I can control whether or not I take them.

When my DH went through a phase of not doing stuff/moving my things i just exploded one day and took everything i could see of his in the room (living room) and chucked it into the garden. It was raining.
And told him that's how much care he takes of my things when he just uses them.

It stopped.

However that is extreme. If your DH thinks he has undiagnosed ADHD and won't make himself an appointment (which matches his ADHD "diagnosis" to be fair, you might have to do that) why doesn't he just read around and use strategies as if he had an official diagnosis? The most obvious thing is checklists. For everything. And to use the alarms.

It is really frustrating to live with someone like this. We have one in our family and their refusal to get an official diagnosis lead to that compromise: we behave as though they have it, they use strategies and things have improved greatly.

A diagnosis on paper could also mean medication or some other form of management. A friend of ours got this a few years ago and says it's been life changing. We're 30 so hardly old.

a bit harsh

he's a human being, not a robot

perhaps talking to him trying to see his point of view, and trying to understand what's been happening with him, has he been having a hard time, etc

not entirely sure sulking is effective communication 😕

Thank you, I agree! His apparently inability to make an appointment is a symptom in itself. However I don't think I can force him to go, we're both adults.

I will suggest your strategy as a middle ground, it's just a question of whether he'll keep it up.

I’d have done the same thing. Getting wet in the rain because of something he forgot, no way.

Tell him to bring it home today and youll do the run tomorrow, to even it up. And if you were shouty or rude about it then an apology may be in order…

OP, why are you so harsh with him? it's a relationship, not some sort of military training? 🤐 surely some kindness wouldn't make his ADHD worse

@Tomadad Also, some sort of GPS tracker on his mobile. Being tired while raining, next thing you know, affairs and OW😅

OP, why are you so harsh with him? it's a relationship, not some sort of military training? 🤐 surely some kindness wouldn't make his ADHD worse

where's she being harsh? She simply gave him a consequence for his action. Maybe it will make him pause before taking her raincoat again?

OP another thing i do if i take something to work and need to bring it back is put a huge note, as soon as i get there, on my handbag - so that i see it before i leave and the chances are that i will get it there and then.
Small strategies work best, and introducing one at a time so he gets used to them.

If this is a pattern, it's very understandable why you lost your patience. Good on you for holding a boundary. Making him go out instead of you was the logical consequence of his lack of planning. Should you have done it a little more calmly? Maybe, but you're human and you're allowed to express frustration. Anyone in your shoes would have felt the same.

He needs to get a diagnosis and treatment if ADHD is the cause. You will build up a lot of resentment and tension if this continues.

Boo hoo the poor man amiritey? 🙄

I feel for you, my daughter is like this. In fact I just got myself a cost that's slightly too small for me as this should mean she can't fit in it and won't borrow and lose it... Again. It's constant, the borrowing, losing and breaking of my things, her own things, her siblings things.

@Brefugee I agree, being forgetful and having ADHD is actually spite in disguise and his consequences need actions. LTB!!😅

@RandomMusings7 Urritey, just LTB, being tired, the nerve 😡fuming rn

don't be a twit @cassiatwenty
OP needs to have a strategy to handle her DPs ADHD or whatever it is and i have given her some strategies we use with our ADHD and "possibly ADHD" family members. I am forgetful (possible also ADHD) and i use them so i don't forget things.

Better to offer tips than just twat from the sidelines, eh?

My DH has Adhd. The gp was as useful as a chocolate fire guard. It can be really hard to live with at times, thankfully it's gotten better with age. Building routines and good habits helped. We use constant alarms and reminders for things but he's still always losing things.