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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby and In-laws

52 replies

2Twoandcounting · 15/11/2022 18:26

I’ve NC for this one.

I had my second child a couple of months ago. I don’t get along with my in-laws. They live about 4 hours away from us.
Anyway, when my baby was about five weeks old they invited themselves over - my MIL, her sister, her daughter plus daughters husband & children (4 adults and 3 children). Only MIL would stay with us and it would be for one night. I wasn’t happy with this - I’m not really good with groups of people I am much more relaxed with just one or two. Also I don’t get along with any of them so I knew I would feel really uncomfortable with them in my home.
I know the next bit will make me sound like a stroppy teenager but when they arrived I just ignored them. Didn’t greet them at the door, didn’t look at them (speaking with them isn’t an issue anyway as they don’t speak English). I was just so livid that they had decided that all 7 of them should invite themselves when I had a 5 week old baby. I could of probably coped if they had come separately. I just could not relax and felt on edge the whole time. In fact, I had to go to my bedroom at one point just to have a few moments to myself. I felt like they were just sat there waiting for me to pass around my new baby (which I didn’t - she was constantly at my breast anyway) which brought out my inner lioness. It really made me hold on to her even tighter. I wanted to make them feel as uncomfortable as they made me feel. These people are really just strangers to me - because of the language barrier I’ve never got to know them. I cannot stand my DH aunt - I don’t consider her family, have only met her about 4 or 5 times and I have no idea why she thought she could tag along. MIL had a cuddle with baby once the rest of them had left.
So SIL and the aunt travelled for 4 hours and didn’t get to hold baby but I didn’t invite them and I certainly wasn’t going to hand my baby over to people who I don’t know and don’t like. That feeling is mutual by the way and that I know for sure. They gossip about me yet think I want them all to turn up together just weeks after giving birth.
How can I handle this situation better next time? I’m very over-protective with my daughter and cannot stand people touching her. It’s not even about germs but if somebody tries to touch her I find myself trying to tactfully turn away or pull back without making it a big deal.
The last thing I should add is that my husband is happy as long as there are no arguments.
Have I been completely unreasonable?

OP posts:
Skinnermarink · 15/11/2022 18:28

Is this a reverse?

ladydimitrescu · 15/11/2022 18:31
Confused
TidyDancer · 15/11/2022 18:35

This has to be a reverse. It's bad form OP. Who are you in this scenario?

Mariposista · 15/11/2022 18:44

Stroppy teenager is putting it mildly. How does DH put up with this behaviour?

OrigamiOwls · 15/11/2022 18:47

Don't think you've covered yourself in glory here OP.

ViscountessBridgerton · 15/11/2022 18:50

Reverse reverse reverse (surely??)

SallyWD · 15/11/2022 18:54

Can you give us some reasons as to why you diskike them so much? Unless there's a big backstory your behaviour towards them sounds very poor. They are your baby's family too and shouldn't be treated in such a hostile way.

britneyisfree · 15/11/2022 18:55
Confused
WeeOrcadian · 15/11/2022 18:56

Either a reverse, or there will be a massive back story.

My money is on reverse.

Tallulah28 · 15/11/2022 18:58

You behaved incredibly rudely. In your husbands position I’d be very annoyed at you. You didn’t greet his family, let alone try to engage with them. Awful behaviour

DuplicateUserName · 15/11/2022 19:01

Errrr....you haven't mentioned your husband once??

DuplicateUserName · 15/11/2022 19:02

Oh, he got a mention right at the end.

Either way, what's with the silly 'they invited themselves' when either you or your DH agreed to them coming?

Violettaa · 15/11/2022 19:03

If you’re seriously looking for tips…

I have a language barrier with some of DHs family. We say hello, smile, and hug.

You feed you baby when she needs or of course. But when she doesn’t - and that will be most of the time when she’s not a newborn - you let her develop relationships with her family.

In general, you be not a twat.

SallyWD · 15/11/2022 19:03

I would leave my husband if he treated my family the way you've treated your in laws.

Westendbuoys · 15/11/2022 19:04

Absolute bastards wanting to come and see a new baby. How dare they.

Holly60 · 15/11/2022 19:06

Yeah I'm afraid you should be very embarrassed OP.

That was so unkind, especially to your MIL who would have been totally gutted.

Zanatdy · 15/11/2022 19:07

Well you / your DH could have turned around and said no, it’s too many people at once, Aunt etc can come at a later date. Not letting them hold the baby, yes this was a bit unfair imo. Whether you consider them family or not, they are your DD’s family and a photo with the baby would have been courteous after they travelled a long distance.

jolies · 15/11/2022 19:08

Jesus Christ is this is real then you are a truly awful person. Your husband needs to run for the hills.

username8888 · 15/11/2022 19:08

What about your husband? You say they will never touch her, but what about the first child? Were DH and first child absent from this weird encounter?

Herejustforthisone · 15/11/2022 19:13

Calm down ‘lioness’, you’ve been awful.

Original poster
2Twoandcounting · 15/11/2022 19:14

It isn’t a reverse. His mother and sister gossip about me (my husband told me this)

they have interfered in my parenting with my eldest child time and time again. My FIL has been rude to me - called me lazy because I wouldn’t learn their language. Don’t get me started on my wedding.
I didn’t just decided to ignore them because they invited themselves over and I don’t like them. We’ve not been on good terms for a very long time. They’ve also ignored me when it suited them. My husband says we are as bad as each other.

@username888 my first child was born in a different country so we didn’t really see them.

OP posts:
DuplicateUserName · 15/11/2022 19:17

They didn't invite themselves to your home.

They wanted to come and your DH said they could...cos you know they're his family.

Jonagirl · 15/11/2022 19:20

Well given how rude you were I am not sure they will even want a next time so it may not be an issue. I wouldn't be back

WeeOrcadian · 15/11/2022 19:21

2Twoandcounting · 15/11/2022 19:14

It isn’t a reverse. His mother and sister gossip about me (my husband told me this)

they have interfered in my parenting with my eldest child time and time again. My FIL has been rude to me - called me lazy because I wouldn’t learn their language. Don’t get me started on my wedding.
I didn’t just decided to ignore them because they invited themselves over and I don’t like them. We’ve not been on good terms for a very long time. They’ve also ignored me when it suited them. My husband says we are as bad as each other.

@username888 my first child was born in a different country so we didn’t really see them.

Lots of 'my' in that post. FYI - it takes two people to have a wedding.

You were rude. You just can't / won't accept it. You acted like a child but you want people to agree with you.
I hope you have your hard hat OP.

Original poster
2Twoandcounting · 15/11/2022 19:26

@WeeOrcadian no, I do accept that I was rude. I knew that.
@Jonagirl MIL came back two weeks later. All fine. Hopefully SIL won’t come back though.

OP posts: