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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby and In-laws

52 replies

2Twoandcounting · 15/11/2022 18:26

I’ve NC for this one.

I had my second child a couple of months ago. I don’t get along with my in-laws. They live about 4 hours away from us.
Anyway, when my baby was about five weeks old they invited themselves over - my MIL, her sister, her daughter plus daughters husband & children (4 adults and 3 children). Only MIL would stay with us and it would be for one night. I wasn’t happy with this - I’m not really good with groups of people I am much more relaxed with just one or two. Also I don’t get along with any of them so I knew I would feel really uncomfortable with them in my home.
I know the next bit will make me sound like a stroppy teenager but when they arrived I just ignored them. Didn’t greet them at the door, didn’t look at them (speaking with them isn’t an issue anyway as they don’t speak English). I was just so livid that they had decided that all 7 of them should invite themselves when I had a 5 week old baby. I could of probably coped if they had come separately. I just could not relax and felt on edge the whole time. In fact, I had to go to my bedroom at one point just to have a few moments to myself. I felt like they were just sat there waiting for me to pass around my new baby (which I didn’t - she was constantly at my breast anyway) which brought out my inner lioness. It really made me hold on to her even tighter. I wanted to make them feel as uncomfortable as they made me feel. These people are really just strangers to me - because of the language barrier I’ve never got to know them. I cannot stand my DH aunt - I don’t consider her family, have only met her about 4 or 5 times and I have no idea why she thought she could tag along. MIL had a cuddle with baby once the rest of them had left.
So SIL and the aunt travelled for 4 hours and didn’t get to hold baby but I didn’t invite them and I certainly wasn’t going to hand my baby over to people who I don’t know and don’t like. That feeling is mutual by the way and that I know for sure. They gossip about me yet think I want them all to turn up together just weeks after giving birth.
How can I handle this situation better next time? I’m very over-protective with my daughter and cannot stand people touching her. It’s not even about germs but if somebody tries to touch her I find myself trying to tactfully turn away or pull back without making it a big deal.
The last thing I should add is that my husband is happy as long as there are no arguments.
Have I been completely unreasonable?

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 15/11/2022 19:27

How can I handle this situation better next time? I’m very over-protective with my daughter and cannot stand people touching her

Professional help.

I don’t agree with people inviting themselves over, you need to set boundaries with that. But yes you were completely unreasonable in that situation. Rude. Childish and down right nasty.

You seem to have gotten a kick out of none of your DH’s family being able to hold or cuddle their new family member. Seriously how spiteful is that??

moiaussiso · 15/11/2022 19:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BertieQueen · 15/11/2022 19:32

Your poor partner and kids.

OrigamiOwls · 15/11/2022 19:33

Your husband lives in the same house as you. He is allowed to have his family visit if he wants.

moiaussiso · 15/11/2022 19:34

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PincesssPeachh · 15/11/2022 19:34

How can I handle this situation better next time?

By behaving like an adult.

Sugargliderwombat · 15/11/2022 19:36

I don't understand how you can dislike them so much when they speak a different language 🥴. Why is your husband passing on horrible things they've supposedly said and then saying you're as bad as each other ? All very strange and toxic.

pishkashante · 15/11/2022 19:38

I now see why people from ethnic minorities dread their sons marrying women outside the culture.

OP, you are unwelcoming and have given no actual examples of these people treating you badly.

I’d love to hear the truth their side of the story.

Changingplace · 15/11/2022 19:38

How on earth do you even decide you dislike them so much when you don’t even speak the same language?

They came to visit your baby, that’s a perfectly normal and nice thing to do especially since only your MIL stayed at your house.

Your poor husband, I’d be mortified if my partner treated my family like this.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 15/11/2022 19:39

I feel sorry for your DH and his relatives. You sound bonkers and vile

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 15/11/2022 19:39

PincesssPeachh · 15/11/2022 19:34

How can I handle this situation better next time?

By behaving like an adult.

I doubt the OP hs any self awareness or common sense, or shame

Original poster
2Twoandcounting · 15/11/2022 19:43

I shouldn’t of ignored them, you’re right. I’ll certainly try to improve myself. For the sake of my husband and children.

everything that is said goes through my DH so I suppose I take something the wrong way or they do. Then one us gets upset. Been like this for years unfortunately.

OP posts:
Untitledsquatboulder · 15/11/2022 19:43

What a pity that they had to invite themselves to meet the baby at 5 weeks. In most families an invitation would have been extended by this point.

Dartmoorcheffy · 15/11/2022 19:46

so, what have they said according to your husband, because on the face of this thread you were incredibly rude, and I would be furious if I was your husband

PincesssPeachh · 15/11/2022 19:47

Why are you not trying to learn the language and get to know them? Isn't it important to your husband that you get to know his family? At the very least I hope your husband will be teaching the children when they're old enough and making sure they have a relationship with his family.

Original poster
2Twoandcounting · 15/11/2022 19:51

@PincesssPeachh they were trying to learn English many years ago but gave up. It would be more useful for them to speak English (because it’s spoken all over the world) than for me to learn their language although I can now understand basic sentences. My oldest child can speak the language and so will my baby when she is old enough.

OP posts:
Imogensmumma · 15/11/2022 19:51

Wow so childish, and to be honest FIL is right, unless more back story why haven’t you tried to learn the language, it shows respect to who your DH is and respect to your childrens shared heritage/ culture and great for children to speak a second language

CuteCillian · 15/11/2022 19:57

What a pity that they had to invite themselves to meet the baby at 5 weeks. In most families an invitation would have been extended by this point.

Exactly. You or DH should have been proactive in inviting your MIL and FIL.

Sceptre86 · 15/11/2022 19:58

You were rude. As guests to your home you should have been gracious. Its also 5 weeks after you had your baby not a few days. My kids great gran turned up 2 weeks post section to see my baby unannounced, I greeted the women and then left my dh to make cups of tea. You do all sound as bad as each other. When marrying outside of your culture it's nice to at least make an effort to learn the language especially considering it is part of your child's heritage too. I'm not surprised they gossip about you you sound deeply unpleasant. Your dh is clearly a numpty or a puppet because he should have challenged your behaviour when you were rude to his family he should also challenge theirs when they talk about you negatively.

Kanfuzed123 · 15/11/2022 20:28

Is there a cultural difference as well as a linguistic one?

what culture are they from OP?

i can relate In part to some of what you’re saying, but I’ve never acted as you have, wanted to but didn’t. For context I have a tense relationship with my IL because I’m white and they are Asian and have never accepted me, lied and gossiped about me, shunned me, etc so I do find it fake when people of that ilk attempt to fawn over a baby. I can’t communicate with them either, I tried to learn but it’s a very difficult dialect to learn (no Latin alphabet) and DH refused to teach so I bought some books and started trying and they’d make fun of me for how I sounded so I gave up. I feel there is more of a backstory here and maybe some PP hormones too?

Plumbear2 · 15/11/2022 20:48

I'm sure I've read this post before almost word for word.

Original poster
2Twoandcounting · 15/11/2022 20:52

@kanfuzed123

There are cultural differences yes. I’m reluctant to say where they are from but My FIL won’t ever greet me unless I acknowledge him first.
It’s also normal to be very direct and no-nonsense with one another and I find that (being British) rude.

Like you, I find them to be fake and it would be better for everyone if I didn’t have to have a relationship with them. I have too though.
When they do or say something that really irritates me or when they have offended me I can’t help but retaliate in childish ways. I do feel ashamed of my behaviour though.

@plumbear you couldn’t of. I’ve never posted it anywhere else.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 15/11/2022 21:02

Well I can certainly see why they don't like you!

Changingplace · 15/11/2022 23:10

It’s also normal to be very direct and no-nonsense with one another and I find that (being British) rude.

How can you know this if you don’t speak the same language?

escapingthecity · 15/11/2022 23:15

I have some sympathy OP. That's a large group to descend in one visit and there's no way I could have handled that many additional people in my home when my babies were 5 weeks. So you need to tell them that you would prefer smaller groups, tell them how long they can stay. And I would ignore other posters saying that they all deserved to hold the baby - no one has a right to hold a baby except its parents. But PPs are right that you could have dealt with the situation better.