Tiny lies driving me crazy

[windinthwillows]

Hi All,

I just would like to sense check something with the lovely mumnetters.

DP have lived together for about a year now (we are both male). I am a bit gullible and will tend to take people at face value until the trust is broken. My DP is quite possessive of their belongings and doesn't really like me using their things while they seem to happily use mine. The last time I used something of his and was called up on it I mentioned to him that he quite often uses my stuff and he said he wouldn't anymore (tbh I really don't mind the using of my stuff it's the double standards that bother me).

Last night I came home and DP had used my face lotion (I could tell because of the smell). I challenged him on it and he said that it was his face lotion, that there was specific medical reason why he needed the specific type of lotion he had used and they all smell the same anyway).

I didn't want to challenge him any further and for this to decend into a row but I know he doesn't have any face lotion and I know the smell of my lotion.

I know this sounds really silly. I am not overly fussed that he used my stuff tbh the thing that is really bothering me is that I am 99% sure he is lying to me and making me feel bad about challenging him on it.

AIBU?

I think that my worry is that this to me sounds like gaslighting but the thing that is being lied about is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things that I worry that I'm being dramatic.

It is gaslighting - if he lies about the little things he can easily lie about bigger things

I woukd be making my exit plans tbh there is no reason to be like this

@Theunamedcat Is it just the lying or the double standards as well. Tbh I feel very confused.

I can understand why this would be annoying. He obviously really likes the lotion and hoped you wouldn't notice. Dishonest, yes, but unless you think he could be lying about more significant things then, personally, I'd not let it be a deal breaker in the relationship (if it's otherwise good). At least you've got an idea for a Christmas present for him.

@OP83 I know it is really a petty thing isn't it. I do somethings just know that there are lies. They are always little things and I can't even remember them now. I think for me it's that I challenged him and he categorically denied it - said he didn't want to use my lotion and that he needed another type. I am sure that I am right yet I'm doubting myself.

It would be petty as a one-off but if it's constant then I understand it would be a concern.

Only you know how you feel about it and his motives for lying (is it just like a naughty child denying they swiped some crisps out the cupboard or is it symptomatic of a compulsion for dishonesty).

Wishing you all the best whatever you decide to do.

Just keep an eye on it @windinthwillows - it could be something and nothing, or it could be minor gaslighting which reveals a problem with more serious lies. My XH did this kind of stuff constantly, stupid unecessary lies which just confused me...but I eventually realised that was the point, I stopped knowing whether I was imagining things or whether there was a real problem...and unfortunately the latter was true for me. Hopefully it is just your DP trying it on because he knows he's been caught out...and def buy him his own bottle for Christmas!

It sounds very unsettling and unrelaxing being in a relationship with this man. I fear the relationship will not survive this, as you say, gaslighting behaviour.

Have you asked to see this mysterious medical lotion that he has to have?!

@Chamomileteaplease I didn't ask to see it. I am tempted to say I have a bit of dry skin and would like to see it so I can buy some for myself. I don't want to really bring it up a day later but I also don't really want to lie myself. How would you ask?

I couldn't stay with someone who lied to my face like that, can not stand liars especially when they're your partner. I don't care how small the lie is, it feels like they're treating you like an idiot

I lived for years with a chronic liar. It's unsettling and not a pleasant way to live.

Your example isn't as trivial as it seems. He takes your stuff but doesn't like you taking his. He says he'll stop. But he does it again. First he denies it. Then he says it's his own, when you know he doesn't have any. And to top it off he makes up a ridiculous story about a medical condition, and says all the lotions smell the same which everyone knows is untrue.

He's determined to do what he wants, lie about it, double down on the lies and never be wrong. Not a good foundation for a relationship - unless you can get to the bottom of why he does it, and he agrees to change his behaviour.

Sweetheart, the fact that you are worried about how to ask a very simple factual question of the man who is meant to love you & care about you tells you everything you need to know about your man.

You are not being petty, & you are not being 'sensitive' or 'over-reacting'.
Tiny lies become big lies, & any size of lie destroys trust.
You have observed this pattern of behaviour, it makes you uneasy & upset, & you don't want to broach the behaviour with him because ... you fear he will lie again.

My ex used to use tiny lies too.
It was part of a pattern of controlling behaviour, deliberately done to undermine & disconcert. It also made the fuckwit feel powerful. Like he had one over on me.
They soon grew to massive lies like "how dare you call me an alcoholic, you are wrong because I did NOT have a gin at 2pm today, it was 3pm" & "of course I am working & bringing in money - you must be unwell, I am worried about you" (this on the back of him working 5 weeks out of 7 months. I did all his invoicing for him, so knew damn well! Yet he STILL felt entitled to brazenly lie it out, then tell me I was mentally unstable for doubting him.)

The concern for you isn't about whether he used your damn face cream - it's the cold lack of respect, isn't it? The clear signal that you are not worthy of honesty. The entitlement to confuse & upset you, & stick to that in preference to a meaningless admission that yeah - he used a bit of your stuff, big deal ...
I suspect if you stay with this man he will ramp up his lies & disrespect, & you will end up gaslit & very unhappy.

Sorry OP this isn't a message of cheer for you - but I want you to know that you are NOT over-reacting.

Does he also live at yours rent free? Sounds like a cocklodger.

@AfricanAmericanFriday no we split everything down the middle - rent, food, shared toiletries.

@KettrickenSmiled It is entirely about the lies and the amount of self doubt I have about it.

I am questioning myself, feeling unreasonable for challenging etc even though I know I'm right. He should have just admitted it to me but at the same time he is not how you describe your ex partner and it makes me feel like these little lies are a bit insignificant. Did you deal with lies like this before the big lies?

I agree with everyone else in that this is part of a much bigger picture.

But in answer to your question I would just say "hey you know that medical face lotion you mentioned yesterday? Can I see it because I might like to use it/get some myself?" Then stay silent while he answers.

And 1000:1 he will not trot off and get it to show you😞.

I don't understand how anyone could accept this "if the relationship is otherwise good". If he would lie about stupid stuff like this, he would lie about anything - so you can never, ever, trust him! What relationship do you have, then?

Also, how sad it is to think of him looking into your eyes and lying to you - about stupid face cream! He can't have a shred of respect for you - he's happy to use you as a means to score points that make him feel good.

I'm so sorry OP. I can't see how any relationship can overcome this. Maybe you can tell him explicitly that you must break up with him because of it, so that he has a chance to change. If you can't face discussing it explicitly, for fear of an angry reaction, I'd see that as further evidence that the relationship can't succeed.

What kind of things are they possessive about?

I was a lot like your DP when I was younger. I told lies about every little story of thing and felt very entitled to others things but would hate them using mine. In my case it came from a place of great trauma. My parents where far from the best and my mum would rant and rage at me to "tell her the truth" and to start at least most the time I WAS telling her the truth. But what she meant was " tell me what I want to hear " and so I started admitting to things I hadn't even done in order to get the shouting over and done with as quickly as possible. Then she would hug me and love me again and things would be ok. If I kept up with my denials of innocence then very often my favourite things would be taken off me or broken as punishment. Add I got older my strain got worse and worse and I was sexually abused by a family friend. My mum totally withdrew from me and I basically traded sex for the brief feeling of intimacy and mistook that for love. Then I started getting possessive over people and the the whole time I was weaving this web of lies. It's taken me my entire adult life in therapy to get to the root of this. Those little lies, they are not little lies.

I do think that this would be a deal-breaker for me. Not a one off with the lotion, but the pattern of behaviour. It might all seem pretty, but what about when it is something a bit bigger. Trust is such an important part of a relationship and these small lies erode trust. Can you believe him when it matters if he cannot be honest about wee things?

I think he had issues, probably with his self esteem. I am not saying he is a horrible person at all. Just that I couldn't relax in a relationship unless he sorted himself out and could communicate openly and honestly with me. Though obviously, you know this relationship better than I do.

I’m very sorry about your childhood trauma but we don’t know Op’s partner’s background so for the moment we can just assume he is a liar. And I don’t think childhood trauma warrants stealing from someone who has nothing to do with it.
I think it’s basic human decency to ask your partner -or anyone- if it would be okay with them to use their lotion/shampoo/IPad/sunglasses etc…and if the answer is a no, then be okay with it and deal with it like a grown-up. But I think OP would let his partner use his things anyway if being asked first. He is not overreacting, I would be pissed off too about being lied to and being a sneaky little two-faced sh#t.

@HeavenlyHiraaniTigerlilyHutchenceYatesGeldof i would let him use the cream. Tbh I wouldn’t mind not being asked if it was a reciprocal arrangement where we both were able to use each other’s things but it does annoy me that every time I use any of his stuff it is a big deal. I think it should be a general rule for both of us as to what is appropriate.

@HeavenlyHiraaniTigerlilyHutchenceYatesGeldof

You clearly don't know anything about the effects childhood trauma can have on adults. You think only "healthy" or "fully functioning adults" steal from people? Of course that's not true. People with traumatic or disordered backgrounds are much more likely to ignore other peoples boundaries FULL STOP. And I didn't say that the OPs partner HAD the same background as me. I was simply using MY (very honest) experience to show that to some it may seem like trivial petty lies and just a bit of face cream, but the simple reality is that for people that lie a lot and commit small acts of stealing , especially from a person that they claim to love , it can be the very first scratch onto the surface of a whole host of underlying issues.

Allow me too rephrase it for you.

Emotionally well rounded adults with healthy boundaries don't tell ridiculously transparent little white lies. They don't breach your boundaries while firmly upholding their own.

@glasshole What would have been the best way to confront you? As far as I am aware DP had a healthy upbringing and I don't think these things would have been an issue but I would be interested to know what I could say that would have generated the best response from you or is it something that has to come from him?