Tiny lies driving me crazy

[windinthwillows]

Hi All,

I just would like to sense check something with the lovely mumnetters.

DP have lived together for about a year now (we are both male). I am a bit gullible and will tend to take people at face value until the trust is broken. My DP is quite possessive of their belongings and doesn't really like me using their things while they seem to happily use mine. The last time I used something of his and was called up on it I mentioned to him that he quite often uses my stuff and he said he wouldn't anymore (tbh I really don't mind the using of my stuff it's the double standards that bother me).

Last night I came home and DP had used my face lotion (I could tell because of the smell). I challenged him on it and he said that it was his face lotion, that there was specific medical reason why he needed the specific type of lotion he had used and they all smell the same anyway).

I didn't want to challenge him any further and for this to decend into a row but I know he doesn't have any face lotion and I know the smell of my lotion.

I know this sounds really silly. I am not overly fussed that he used my stuff tbh the thing that is really bothering me is that I am 99% sure he is lying to me and making me feel bad about challenging him on it.

AIBU?

I doubt it is worth trying to catch him out - it’s more important to work out why he does it. Does he earn less than you, envies you and this, to his mind, evens things up?
I think he might be envious but can’t admit it and is secretly getting one over on you.

Well it’s up to OP to decide where he draws the line. Personally I wouldn’t put up with lying and double standards in any relationship. And if they say they are lying because of childhood trauma, then it will quickly become an excuse for anything shitty they do and expect to get away with it. It would escalate and spread to every area of that relationship. You can’t just make doe eyes at someone and tell them a sob story of your childhood trauma every time you lie to your partner and treat him like he is stupid enough to forgive you.

@Snnowflake no not at all he earns a lot more than me. We both have good career outlooks (but he has more earning potential).

I am with you glasshole. It is too simple just to reduce people to "liars". There is generally something sitting beneath. It might not be trauma, but you are right, emotionally well rounded adults with healthy boundaries do not behave this way.

Given the defensiveness over sharing as well as the dishonesty, I would put quite a lot of money on a trauma response underlying.

It is not a healthy relationship though and cannot ever be without major intervention outwith the control of the op.

Thank you everyone. It has been helpful to understand everyones opinion and to have my fears validated. I will have a conversation when I can work myself into it. I really don't want to have to discuss the lies but it has been eating me up all day.

I really don't want to have to discuss the lies but it has been eating me up all day.

What is behind your reluctance to bring the lies up OP?

Do you feel your partner will be angry, or dismissive ... or just deny that he lies?

@KettrickenSmiled
I guess on the face of it the issue is trivial - using my stuff. I want to be sure that I convey what the true problem is - lying to my face.

I get it OP.

You don;t want him to minimise your discomfort by making your reaction seem petty (it isn't) & need him to focus on his own behaviour, not your reaction to it.

Just make sure you keep that clear in your own mind. Your partner might try to twist it into being somehow your 'fault' (because he is a liar.)

I understand. It’s one rule for him and another for you isn’t it? You may not use his things but he can of course, use yours. You called it out and he slithered out of it with a rather pathetic lie.
He has no integrity and he’s selfish too. Yuck.

I agree that he will almost certainly twist it into being your failing. You’ll be petty, crazy, starting an argument over nothing, going on about it and looking for problems. You’ll end up apologising…but he won’t.
And so it will be…

Pictish is likely correct OP - but whatever the outcome, stay true to yourself.
And keep posting here - PP have a lot of collective experience of ... let's just say 'manipulative relationships' - you will be supported.

@KettrickenSmiled in an unfortunate plot twist he’s bought himself some new lotion today (smells completely different and no medicinal properties) but obviously not going to be able to prove anything now. I’ll have to wait for the next lie

If there are only tiny lies, it just means you haven’t discovered the massive lies yet.

This sounds corrosive, @windinthwillows. Can you really see a long term future, living like this?

Unfortunately, him changing won't be an option - whether consciously or not, he is heavily invested in being right. Your only choice is whether you want to live your life in this relationship.

Lieing is a trauma based response. What were his childhood or teen years like?

I agree with this.

Lies change who you are because you can never feel safe and rely on that person.

They will lie with impunity to get them out of anything, big or small.

This is who they are.

OP, you will bitterly regret remaining with this person as you will NEVER feel safe.

When someone lies to your face it means they don't respect you AND believe you are also so dim not to see through it.

Not good.

Reading your thread and where you commented on everything being 50/50, I was going to come on and ask who earns more because I would guess it was him.... And voila, here it is.

So, he earns way more but you split things 50/50?
He lies consistently about small things. So small that often you can't even remember what they are but they keep you on edge and make you feel like you can't talk to him?

This is just the tip of the iceberg I'm guessing. Here's a question: what things do you choose to do or not do simply because of him? Eg, have you changed something you loved because he didn't like it? Do you spend less time with your friends/family? If your'e offered a promotion or a work opportunity would your decision on what to do be impacted because of concerns of how he would react?

When he comes through the door do you feel relaxed and happy to see him, or nervous that something is going to be wrong?

OP - please scroll back up & re-read @GerbilsForever24's post at 11:07.

Then take some time to consider why you feel you need to wait for the next lie.

It's reminding me of the legion OP's who know damn well their partner is cheating, but feel paralysed from taking any action until they obtain "proof". As if they need permission, or a good enough 'reason' to say "that's it - this is intolerable, & I quit."

You know he's a liar.
You know he will not admit to lying.
You know it makes you uncomfortable & unhappy.
You do not need to prove this to him.
I suspect your partner has the upper hand in your relationship & you are wary of confronting him. So you feel you need absolute concrete evidence, in case he gaslights you again (ie lies about the lying).

You do not need him to accept your reasons.
You do not need to prove to him that you know he;s a liar.
What you DO need to know is that, like the partner of any addict - you did not cause this - you cannot control this - you cannot change this. Your partner is addicted to lies, & the ONLY thing you can change about that is your response to it.

So you might want to think less about catching him out in his next lie, & more about how YOU feel about being constantly lied to, & how much longer you can tolerate it. Do you want to still be with a liar in a year? 5 years? 10?
Or do you want to free yourself, & surround yourself with truthful, upfront people?