To not want to go to pil’s for Christmas when dh isn’t here?

[Gwdihooooo]

DH works away…. For weeks at a time. Sometimes he’s home for christmas, sometimes he isn’t. I’m a teacher so I’m off.

During the times he’s home we have Christmas at home as a family of 4, and do the Christmas visits to my family and his both before or after Christmas. Neither family live close by. It’s at least a 3hr journey and they’re both in opposite directions.

Dh is away this Christmas. When this happens I always go to my family. I’m going this year too. It’s my default as this is where I feel most comfortable, my dc have cousins who are the same age as them… whereas there’s one much younger nephew on my dh’s side.

I’ll be going to pil’s without dh for a weekend before Christmas, then once we’ve broken up from school I’ll be spending 9 days at my mums with my sisters, bro and nephews. Then back home for New Years as dh is back on the 30th.

My mil is not happy that I’m not spending it with them, that I don’t ‘share’ the Christmases when dh is away between them and my family. But in all honesty. I don’t want to! Especially without dh there. They’re not my family, i can’t lounge about in my pjs on Christmas Day. They live in a city. My mum lives in a National park on the coast… I really look forward to the Christmas walks and catching up with old friends, and seeing my dc play with their nephews.

aibu? To not at least share?!

Yanbu.

YANBU at all. Hard enough to be without your dh for weeks at a time. Go where you feel relaxed happy and supported and know you'll still have a good time. You're making time with your mil. It just doesn't happen to be on the actual day

Yanbu.

YANBU at all.

Let her be upset, she can arrange visits with her son when he's available. Can't think of anything worse than going alone, go to your family, you don't need to share your time with someone else's family, especially when your DH isn't bothering, whatever the reason!

YANBU and it's unfair of her to even make this kind of comment or put this on you.

Just tell her that you aren’t just spending time with your parents, but wider family and friends from there.

Maybe suggest that when he’s back your dh could go to his parents for a couple of days with the children.

Could you do fake Christmas at DPILs with DH at February half term? I've done it a couple of times when DPILs were unavailable over Xmas. The DC might rather enjoy it.

YANBU I would want to be where I'm comfortable and wouldn't feel on edge the entire time.
It's your Xmas too. I would do the exact same thing if I was in the same position.

Yanbu

that said, I have celebrated many holidays with Dh’s family without him. Because of his medical status, since Covid hit, it has often been me taking dc to family celebrations on his side solo. I have only skipped them when we couldn’t safely attend because the whole household had to isolate with him. It was never a choice of my family or his family though, i was just keeping the normal balance.

Yanbu. You've had to cope parenting alone whole he's away.
You deserve to go home your parents and get looked after yourself a little bit and catch up with your pals.

YANBU, everyone has different relationships with their in laws of course but I would see it as very overbearing for your MIL to even consider that you would do this when your DH wasn't there.

Yanbu I wouldn't spend Christmas with my inlaws without my DH. However perhaps book something Christmas for the weekend you are there or suggest something for mil to do with the grandchildren to make the weekend a bit more special for mil?

Yanbu. What does your dh think?

YANBU.

if your MIL wants to spend more Christmasses with her grandchildren then her issue is with her son and his inflexible job; not with you.

Your DH should be backing you up on this.

YANBU

Has she asked if it was possible for them to come by instead?

YANBU but I do think it’s sad that you aren’t able to think of your PILS as your family

YANBU but it would be fair to see them soon after your DH gets back

Nope, YANBU at all. You have the right to spend this time whenever you are most comfortable.

We've alternated actual Christmas with both families for years. In the years we aren't with one side on Xmas Day we have a second (or prequel depending on the dates) Christmas with the other side.

If DH were away on a year we were meant to be at PIL I would still go with DC and I would expect him to do the same if it was reversed.

PiL are my family and are DC's family same as my parents are.

YANBU. My DH works away for weeks/months at a time too and will also be away this Christmas. I’m spending it with in laws but it’s my choice to. Go where you’ll enjoy it most. It’s crap not having your DH home at Christmas.

YANBU

But, I'd consider DH & yourself offering to host your PIL for a Christmas at home when your DH is next home for Christmas rather than just having it as a 4.
I'd also consider offering to host them at some point early New Year while your DH is home.

There isn't a chance in hell I would have spent Xmas day with my in ex in laws had my exH been away working. It was bad enough when we both went!

This is is mainly a discussion between your PIL and your DH. Maybe just start with it. Is it possibility? IS he still in contact wherever he's working?

YANBU - Go do your thing, its the least you deserve, that sounds like a hard shift pattern to be married to. 🙈