To not want to go to pil’s for Christmas when dh isn’t here?

[Gwdihooooo]

DH works away…. For weeks at a time. Sometimes he’s home for christmas, sometimes he isn’t. I’m a teacher so I’m off.

During the times he’s home we have Christmas at home as a family of 4, and do the Christmas visits to my family and his both before or after Christmas. Neither family live close by. It’s at least a 3hr journey and they’re both in opposite directions.

Dh is away this Christmas. When this happens I always go to my family. I’m going this year too. It’s my default as this is where I feel most comfortable, my dc have cousins who are the same age as them… whereas there’s one much younger nephew on my dh’s side.

I’ll be going to pil’s without dh for a weekend before Christmas, then once we’ve broken up from school I’ll be spending 9 days at my mums with my sisters, bro and nephews. Then back home for New Years as dh is back on the 30th.

My mil is not happy that I’m not spending it with them, that I don’t ‘share’ the Christmases when dh is away between them and my family. But in all honesty. I don’t want to! Especially without dh there. They’re not my family, i can’t lounge about in my pjs on Christmas Day. They live in a city. My mum lives in a National park on the coast… I really look forward to the Christmas walks and catching up with old friends, and seeing my dc play with their nephews.

aibu? To not at least share?!

Sweet lord YANBU.

It’s your Christmas! Tell mil she can drive to your mums and stay in a hotel and share the Christmas, I bet she bloody comes up with an excuse! It’s easy to poke at someone else for being selfish when you don’t have to move off the sofa !!! Cf.

Do your own thing. My MIL always complains that I spend chunks of the school holidays at my Mum's house with the DC, near my sister and her DC.

It's funny that she always complains about what I am doing rather than moaning about her own son who could easily take some leave and visit her with the DC. Except he never does. Oh well.

YANBU

Your MIL is annoyed with your dh for being away and she doesn't get to see you for Christmas, but this is not your problem! There is no way I would go to PIL without dh. She doesn't want to moan to her son, so she is redirecting her resentment towards you.

It is on him to take a year off, or arrange christmas with them on the 30th/31st or whenever. This is not your responsibility. Tell him to organise it and you will be at your parents as planned.

I agree with OP, I'd do the same.

However. I think it shows she likes you.
Is this a first on MN ?

YANBU at all, christmas with your family sounds really lovely. I’d probably offer to host the in laws New Year’s Day, do a roast or something. Nice to be nice and all that.

Agree with this. The logical solution for a that on years your DH is home you spend that with in-laws sometimes.

I agree and was going to suggest this too.

I wouldn’t be driving 3 hours at Xmas with kids to see my in laws if my DH wasn’t going to be there!

So if your DH is away your children spent Christmas with your parents but they've never had a Christmas with your in-laws? I can see why your MIL would feel she's missing out because it's never going to be her house for Christmas - if her son is at home then you'll have Christmas at home.

Agree with this. The logical solution for a that on years your DH is home you spend that with in-laws sometimes.

Yes I agree with this. YANBU to spend it with your own family when DH is away. But the issue is you don't spend Christmas with your in-laws when he's home either!
I think you need to host them or go to theirs occasionally when DH is home for Christmas otherwise they NEVER get to see their grandchildren on Christmas Day

The issue is that we would have to go to them. My dh isn’t keen on going back to his home town as he finds it depressing.

My dh is not fussed what I do. He hasn’t got much of a relationship with his dp, but keeps it going for the dc

When dh is home we don’t want to spend Christmas with anyone except the 4 of us.

Do they ever come to you all and spend some days around Christmas or are you always expected to travel to them?

I definitely don’t think yabu considering the relationship your DH has with his parents. There is usually a good reason for it and it is up to them to make the effort. They’re lucky to see the grandchildren at all if their own adult child doesn’t want to be near them or cares.

They come to us throughout the year such as birthdays. But our house is small so they bring their caravan.

At Christmas is unreasonable to expect them to stay on a caravan site, so we always go to them.

I do go to them, every year… with our without dh. Just not for an extended period over actual Christmas Day.

They have a daughter who has a child and is single so spends the day with them every year

Dh’s dad used to beat him when he was young. He resents his mum for being ‘weak’ in his view, for not supporting him. So he moved out when he was 16. Had very little to do with them except pleasantries, until ds was born when dh was 32. Now we see them then once every couple months and in normal phone contact… bit too much if I’m honest. She calls me more than my own mum does!

Yanbu

You've made the Xmas plans you want
You're visiting them before Xmas even without DH

The only reason you're questioning yourself is MIL is moaning. Ignore her
"We gave our plans, it isn't for discussion.. "

She sees her own daughter and DGChild every xmas. She's hardly hard done by.

Your dc aren't pizza. You can't be guilted into sharing them. Your ils had their dc. Now you are free to enjoy your own.
Batshittery ime.
Remind yourself they are adults..
Not 5 year olds..

Yadnbu.

Have a lovely time at home OP, do NOT feel guilty or pressured into anything.

I'm actually the opposite, PILs are a lot more homely and welcoming and generally better with the DC. We visit my DPs before Xmas to get it over with and then enjoy our own Christmas at home with friends and PIL. I feel guilty actually typing that out but it's true.

So you never have Christmas with his family? That's a bit harsh!

When your DH is home at Christmas you should spend it with your in laws, at least occasionally.

Think about your DC when they grow up and have families. How would you feel if you always missed out on having a Christmas with them? Model behaviour to your DC that you would like to see from them.

Dh’s dad used to beat him when he was young.
Jesus wept – you weren’t being unreasonable anyway, but tbh you’d not be unreasonable to never ever visit them.

I’m sure when your the DC grow up they’ll be glad their mum protected them from someone who beat their beloved dad and gave them wonderful Christmases with their other relatives who cherish and love them and their parents.

Just saw the bit about your FIL beating your DH, I retract everything I said, and they can quite frankly thank their lucky stars you have anything to do with them at all....

*their DC. And I see you hadn’t seen the update. Fair enough.

If your DH isn’t interested in a relationship with his parents then this is absolutely NO obligation on you to facilitate it.