To feel let down by ‘friends’

[Notahappychick]

So I know everyone has shit going on in their lives but every time I try to meet up with friends it seems like they don’t want to know. I feel like I bend over backwards to arrange meet up at a time that suits them, accommodate when is best for them, whether their child/ grandchild/ dog also needs accommodating at that time so whether we are going for coffee, a walk, their home or mine etc. It’s always me that messages, and all I seem to get are brushoffs. I am self employed and work alone so these catch ups are really important to me but clearly not so much to them which I find very frustrating as I have supported each of them through some shit times. I’m talking out of 4 friends (my circle is quite small) I’ve only seen one of them this year.

I've recently just cut off a group of friends because I felt we'd grown apart, they weren't supportive of some major things happening in my life and I always seemed to put in more effort than them.

I'm down to one good friend who's been there through thick and thin. We don't always see each other loads but are there for each other when it matters and keep in touch regularly.

As I'm getting older, I'm becoming less tolerant of "friends" who continually let me down. I don't need people like that in my life. I'd rather have no friends than shit friends.

I get people have busy lives, or may not have the money to meet up. It sounds like what you want from a friendship doesn't tie in with what they're willing to offer. If you've supported them through hard times but don't get the same support back then ditch them.

Find new hobbies and meet new people. You don't have to commit to new friendships but at least you'll get that socialising aspect you're craving with like minded people.

This sounds so frustrating and upsetting OP. Either they're kinda flaky fairweather friends, or they maybe don't see you as a close friend in the way that you see them. Either is painful.

IMO it's always risky to rely on such a small number of friends in one group for your social life, so I encourage you to branch out a little and be open to meeting new people. Then you'll have other things planned in and can see this friends as and when works, they will have to put a bit of effort into seeing you and if they don't you'll know where you stand.

Yup, this is me.

I’ve stopped texting people asking them to meet up and now just hang out with my boyfriend and my family (and do a lot of ‘social’ things solo quite often, like go to an art gallery).

Sometimes you have to cut your losses.

You need to make new friends. Which is a slow hard process but can be done.

You need a much wider circle of friends and acquaintances. I wonder if they can sense how needy you are and that scares them off. If you bend over too far to accommodate others, they can feel cornered, like you are hounding until they say yes. It may not feel like it to you but might to them.

Back off them for now and look for some new friends. Look for walking groups in your area or a book club - both of those will get you chatting. Also try some activities that may not help you make friends but get you out of the house and give some structure to WFH days - yoga or exercise classes. Or volunteering. IME volunteering doesn't lead to friendships - never sure why but it still helps you feel good and you connect with the community.

Maybe you need friends in a similar situation to you - a bit stuck at home, who appreciate someone to meet up with for a coffee twice a week, rather than people who are commuting and raising DC and perpetually knackered.

Yes and this is why I don’t bother any more. They have no problem meeting with other friends. They make you out as being needy.

You know I've been seeing this topic so much this week on Mumsnet! This is probably the 4th or 5th thread I've seen this week like this.

I had a group of friends dating back decades. We've all moved had families etc, but tried to get together once or twice a year. Since covid though only one has made any effort. Last couple times (once first lockdown ended) I got no response at all from one snd a 'my son is visiting I'm not doing anything for the next three (!!!) months'. So my friend and I concluded that if they wanted to they'd do it - they just don't want to. Sad, but there you have it. I have other friends who care enough to make the effort.

I know it's not nice to hear but they're just not that into you. Try never messaging them/suggesting meetups and see if any of them actually get in touch.

They suck. Period.

I've got a group of friends and it's always one of them who organises catch ups. It's always been that way tbh...but the rest of us want to meet up and don't brush her off. It's just that she always does it and I do wonder how often if at all we'd meet up, if she didn't organise it.

You need to make friends that actually like you OP

you might think of these people as friends, but they clearly don’t feel the same way

I can't be too specific, because the details are outing. But I recently went through a similar thing.

My DH and I hosted an event to celebrate a huge milestone. We paid for food and drinks for all of our friends and family - all they had to do was show up and enjoy themselves. We asked in advance if a certain date worked for everyone - they said yes - the invitations were sent and everyone RSVPd.

48 hours before the event, two of the people I considered my closest friends (at the time) dropped out and gave pretty useless excuses, because they essentially couldn't be bothered to travel about 20 miles for one night. For the one evening that meant so much to their "close friend".😊

There was no malice intended behind their decision - they just didn't think, or didn't get how awful they came across, and it was quite crushing. I've essentially redefinied my boundaries with them both - I no longer consider them close friends of mine, more acquaintances now. It sucks - but you've just got to manage your expectations better. You'll find that if you redefine your friendships and set better boundaries you will find that better friends come along. Good luck!

Yes, and the people posting can never see that they are also contributing to the one-sided dynamic, that it’s not entirely or always ‘Generous, giving, thoughtful me being ill-treated by flaky, callous users’ — if you are the one always seeking meet-ups, always accommodating, agreeing to cancellations and reschedulings without a murmur, then you are positioning yourself as the one who is unimportant, whose life has nothing in it that can’t be cancelled or moved around for a meet-up, going cap in hand to people who have other resources.

It’s not fair on anyone. Find some other circles/hobbies/clubs too, OP. Think you’ll be happier in this circle when you’re not solely reliant on it, and it’s possible they’ll also be more responsive when you’re less obviously desperate to see them.

@BuryingAcorns i wouldn’t say that meeting someone two or three times a year for a couple of hours was particularly needy??
And I always make sure to ask about them and their families, jobs etc so it’s definitely not an all about me fest.

@Divilment ‘desparate’ is a bit far fetched?? as above I don’t think asking to share approx 6 hrs of someone’s time over the course of a year is in that category.
As for putting myself in the dynamic I take your point and it might read like that but I also have to work it around my job, hence why sometimes it’s tricky to arrange but I am the one with out any dependants at the moment as my children are older but it hasn’t always been the case.

But, comparatively speaking, it’s true — you’re continually chasing people to meet up, you’re always the one who first makes contact about meeting and the one who ‘bends over backwards’ to accommodate the others. Quite clearly, regardless of how often you want to meet, you’re far more invested than the other people involved, who simply don’t want or need it as much.

@amijustparanoidorjuststoned sorry to read that, that would definitely piss me off.

No it's not. I think the reason why you are so perturbed is because you are NOT desperate and thus haven't done anything to warrant such shitty behaviour. You'll just have to accept the fact that some ppl are just rude.

I've been giving this some thought recently and have had an epiphany of sorts lol, epiphany might be a bit strong. But anyway my "epiphany" is a bit along the lines of "may be a reason why all the doors are closed..." And if you had other things in your life you wouldn't have time yourself to see these friends (or it would be more difficult). This is the position you need to aspire to be in. So the three things I can think of are: family/relationship - are you with someone or open to dating and if you are in a relationship, what do you feel about becoming a parent? That would certainly eat up a lot of time! Career: Is there something that you have always wanted to do that would require a lot of dedication that in the past may have been difficult? Well, now's the time to do it! Finally, but I'm sure there's more examples if you put your mind to it...travelling! Any countries you have always been interested in?? Why not go touring?

I hope I don't sound too blasé, particularly about becoming a parent, but my point is, perhaps your destiny is supposed to be doing something else right now being as you are finding some people so bloody awkward and I say that as someone who is in a similar position. My aim is to be a mum. As soon as I achieve it, I won't be seeing some of my shit friends for dust!

Omg I'm sorry @Notahappychick I'm so sorry just read you already have children! What an idiot lol 🤦 so perhaps one of the other things I mentioned...plus hobbies? x

I read some great advice on a different thread, about making friends:

attend as many things as you can, chat pleasantly to everyone (but not for too long), and don’t try to make friends.

Worth a try!

Thanks for all the replies, most have confirmed what I have been thinking tbh, move on as they clearly don’t value my friendship as much as I have valued theirs.
Which is a shame but there you go.

The one friend I have seen also happens to be the newest friend, we met at a group about a year before covid so I’ve already done the whole ‘go to groups and meet ppl’ thing, the sad thing is she’s moving away in the new year so that going to make meeting up very difficult as she will be 5 hrs away. Where I live is semi rural so it’s a bit tricky to find places to meet ppl that I don’t already know.

Haha lol, that bit in your first post did make me chuckle! My DP would have forty fits at the thought of having babies. He’s a young grandad, my lot have all but flown the nest but aren’t at the having children stage yet 😊

Meeting someone 2-3 times a year makes them an acquaintance at best. Not a friend