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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my brother's new girlfriend is rude.

32 replies

Scyla · 14/11/2022 13:26

I've just had a weekend at my brother's place in the Mediterranean. He has lived there for years. He and I both got divorced about ten years ago and so we have seen quite a lot of each other since and enjoy talking about life, the universe etc whilst drinking wine in the sunshine. Recently a new woman appeared in his life and I really liked her when I first met her last year, she's lively and fun and enjoys hosting and cooking. They have had a bumpy year or two as she wants total commitment whilst bro wanted only part time and to keep some personal time. It's a bit uneasy as neither are really getting what they want.

Anyway she's now decided I need fixing up as I am also wrong about relationships.
I dated for a while after divorcing but gave up as I was having no luck, just bad experiences. I no longer want it need to be involved with anyone and I'm enjoying the solo life.
She started off with saying "and now we need to find Scyla a man" about a year ago. I said I didn't want that.

A year later I'm fed up of hearing about it. This weekend she got very drunk and at dinner was all literally shouting at me wagging her finger in my face about how wrong I am and how I'm not happy. I tried to laugh it off because it's so stupid, a woman I have only known for a year a so seems to believe she has a better handle on my emotions despite barely knowing me or my life at all than I do, it's silly. But then she started saying that my problems (I don't have any problems) are because the worst thing I did was to leave my husband.(ten years before this woman appeared in my brother's life.)

Honestly I think she went to far there. She was ranting this at me. It's definitely changed my affection for her right now, I feel like she's out of order. Do I just ignore it because she was drunk and just think it doesn't matter or does it? I'm happy for people to be as drunk as they like as long as they don't turn aggressive and behave like a twat but I wonder if I'm being unreasonable with this particular drunk twat!. As I said this has been getting steadily worse.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 14/11/2022 13:32

Next time you're with her and she is sober say that your personal life is not up for discussion and you don't want a scenario like that night happening again. If she tries to debate or discuss, just tell her it's not up for negotiation.

Then when and if it happens again you leave the minute she starts. She'll get the message quickly enough.

MollieMarie · 14/11/2022 13:35

YANBU. What does your relationship status/history have to do with her? What a nosey cow. Sounds like she's projecting her relationship issues with your brother onto you - does it come across like that in person?

Original poster
Scyla · 14/11/2022 13:49

It does feel like it's her version of relationships being projected onto me. She can't get her mind around the idea that I don't want or need to be a wife again. She loves that role.

She is now also insisting my brother has to marry her. (A few months ago before they were living together she definitely didn't want to get married.)

It feels like she is escalating and we all have to do what she wants. It's nuts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scyla · 14/11/2022 13:51

I think you are right @rookiemere

The best thing to have done was say I was tired and head off to bed.

OP posts:
IntrovertedPenguin · 14/11/2022 13:53

Just say your personal life isn't of her concern.

I would tell your DB as well maybe he can have a chat with her before your next visit.

Theunamedcat · 14/11/2022 13:57

Sounds like she is isolating him a little because it's got to be uncomfortable going there if your going to be yelled at

Does your brother have money? Why does she suddenly want a wedding? Are you in a country where prenuptial agreements are used?

Original poster
Scyla · 14/11/2022 13:58

Yes he has a lot of money and she has none.

OP posts:
PeekabooAtTheZoo · 14/11/2022 14:00

She's horrible. And your brother needs to stop sleepwalking along with her grand plans or he'll find himself stuck with her and it doesn't sound like he wants that.

onmywayamarillo · 14/11/2022 14:01

I think she was saying to you all the things she wanted to say to him!
Hopefully your brother will get rid soon

Original poster
Scyla · 14/11/2022 14:09

It's true! She doesn't want me

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 14/11/2022 14:11

Tell your db that she was out of order and then next time she starts you'll set her straight. If he wants to be brotherly and tell her first, all the better.

Original poster
Scyla · 14/11/2022 14:11

Argh
She doesn't want me to be a happy single when she is trying to convince dB he has to marry her to be happy. Oh dear.

I don't think he will, I think she has gone to far with him too over his daughter on another issue. She's definitely trying a takeover. It's a bit too obvious!

OP posts:
Original poster
Scyla · 14/11/2022 14:16

I will tell him that what she said was not on and that I no longer like her. I don't. The lively fun personality turned into a shouty harridon at a dinner. I asked her not to do it and she refused to stop.

Peekaboo is right, she is horrible.

OP posts:
MavisChunch29 · 14/11/2022 14:28

I would have really struggled not to give her good slap while she was ranting, to be honest.

ChaToilLeam · 14/11/2022 14:30

She sounds absolutely horrible. How dare she! And yes, sounds like she has eyes on your brother’s 💰 too. No wonder she wants a happy single like you out of the picture!

Original poster
Scyla · 14/11/2022 14:38

@MavisChunch29

It makes me feel like that now!

Thanks for all the advice, I feel a bit better about being angry over it. I made light of it the next day but I'm shocked at how poor her judgement is if she thinks this is okay.

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 14/11/2022 14:42

Presumably your brother was present while she ranted at you drunk over dinner, didn't he have anything to say in the moment?

I'd be honest with him and say that you felt the behaviour that you both witnessed from her was really inappropriate. Tell him that you are happy to visit but you will be visiting to spend time with him, and are not available to be the object of any drunken ranting on your next visit.

Whether she is after his money, or pressuring him for commitment he is not prepared to give, that is his business. How she deals with you, is yours.

Original poster
Scyla · 14/11/2022 14:50

He didn't try to stop her. I feel like it's escalating and he's not realising as she's far more extravert than him. I am going to have to spell it out.

I stay neutral with him on their relationship. I don't try to influence him. But I will tell him I don't think this escalating behaviour is a good sign and has changed what I think of her.

OP posts:
amiold · 14/11/2022 14:53

You don't need to call her to him about her behaviour.

I'd just suggest next time you're out there, she stays at home as you didn't really enjoy her time. If he asks why, elaborate. If he insists she's there cut your trips short

gannett · 14/11/2022 14:59

Scyla · 14/11/2022 14:16

I will tell him that what she said was not on and that I no longer like her. I don't. The lively fun personality turned into a shouty harridon at a dinner. I asked her not to do it and she refused to stop.

Peekaboo is right, she is horrible.

Definitely do this. He probably thinks because you made light of it the next day it's been smoothed over but row back on that - she crossed a line and he should know that.

Did she even attempt to apologise the next day? Lots of people say silly things when drunk but I feel like you have the measure of her and what she wants.

Mlb123 · 14/11/2022 15:07

Scyla · 14/11/2022 13:26

I've just had a weekend at my brother's place in the Mediterranean. He has lived there for years. He and I both got divorced about ten years ago and so we have seen quite a lot of each other since and enjoy talking about life, the universe etc whilst drinking wine in the sunshine. Recently a new woman appeared in his life and I really liked her when I first met her last year, she's lively and fun and enjoys hosting and cooking. They have had a bumpy year or two as she wants total commitment whilst bro wanted only part time and to keep some personal time. It's a bit uneasy as neither are really getting what they want.

Anyway she's now decided I need fixing up as I am also wrong about relationships.
I dated for a while after divorcing but gave up as I was having no luck, just bad experiences. I no longer want it need to be involved with anyone and I'm enjoying the solo life.
She started off with saying "and now we need to find Scyla a man" about a year ago. I said I didn't want that.

A year later I'm fed up of hearing about it. This weekend she got very drunk and at dinner was all literally shouting at me wagging her finger in my face about how wrong I am and how I'm not happy. I tried to laugh it off because it's so stupid, a woman I have only known for a year a so seems to believe she has a better handle on my emotions despite barely knowing me or my life at all than I do, it's silly. But then she started saying that my problems (I don't have any problems) are because the worst thing I did was to leave my husband.(ten years before this woman appeared in my brother's life.)

Honestly I think she went to far there. She was ranting this at me. It's definitely changed my affection for her right now, I feel like she's out of order. Do I just ignore it because she was drunk and just think it doesn't matter or does it? I'm happy for people to be as drunk as they like as long as they don't turn aggressive and behave like a twat but I wonder if I'm being unreasonable with this particular drunk twat!. As I said this has been getting steadily worse.

I can't help but wonder if she has an ulterior motive to wanting you with a man rather than just your happiness. You say he wanted part time and she was insistent upon total commitment so it's not beyond the realm of possibility that she wants you loved up, so she can ensure more hold over your brother and that you will be both busy in a new relationship and less likely to pay attention to things happening with your brother's relationship and maybe she even thinks that it will sway your brother more into thinking that it's ok with the total commitment thing if you are also in a couple and possibly doing things as a foursome. Either way she is cheeky, rude and this is further evidence of what you already know/suspect and that is that she is controlling xx

mam0918 · 14/11/2022 15:10

Scyla · 14/11/2022 13:26

I've just had a weekend at my brother's place in the Mediterranean. He has lived there for years. He and I both got divorced about ten years ago and so we have seen quite a lot of each other since and enjoy talking about life, the universe etc whilst drinking wine in the sunshine. Recently a new woman appeared in his life and I really liked her when I first met her last year, she's lively and fun and enjoys hosting and cooking. They have had a bumpy year or two as she wants total commitment whilst bro wanted only part time and to keep some personal time. It's a bit uneasy as neither are really getting what they want.

Anyway she's now decided I need fixing up as I am also wrong about relationships.
I dated for a while after divorcing but gave up as I was having no luck, just bad experiences. I no longer want it need to be involved with anyone and I'm enjoying the solo life.
She started off with saying "and now we need to find Scyla a man" about a year ago. I said I didn't want that.

A year later I'm fed up of hearing about it. This weekend she got very drunk and at dinner was all literally shouting at me wagging her finger in my face about how wrong I am and how I'm not happy. I tried to laugh it off because it's so stupid, a woman I have only known for a year a so seems to believe she has a better handle on my emotions despite barely knowing me or my life at all than I do, it's silly. But then she started saying that my problems (I don't have any problems) are because the worst thing I did was to leave my husband.(ten years before this woman appeared in my brother's life.)

Honestly I think she went to far there. She was ranting this at me. It's definitely changed my affection for her right now, I feel like she's out of order. Do I just ignore it because she was drunk and just think it doesn't matter or does it? I'm happy for people to be as drunk as they like as long as they don't turn aggressive and behave like a twat but I wonder if I'm being unreasonable with this particular drunk twat!. As I said this has been getting steadily worse.

Sounds like my SIL.

Shes bubbly, friendly and super nice suck up to everyone when sober but a complete fucking gobshite women hating nightmare when drunk who is convinced she knows better than everyone and agressively mansplains your life to you working herself up more and more until she starts threatening to kick your ass for what ever thing she deems you are doing wrong in your own life.

In my case I don't deserve to be married because I had the audacity to keep my maiden name so obviously this also means I'm a shit mother who shouldn't have kids because their names don't match mine... like utterly batshit.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/11/2022 15:13

I dont think I'd tell him its changed your opinion of her and you dont like her any more (or not unless he starts to say similar or asks any questions). In these situations then people naturally get defensive and start defending the other person rather than taking your concerns seriously. There is also the risk that he tells her, she is all 'I only want your sister to be happy!' and turns you into the enemy. She may not have an ulterior motive other than not be able to believe you can't be happy without a man, plenty of people are like this.

I'd make it clear though that this assassination of your private life and refusal to believe you can be happy without a man is not acceptable and next time you will say so, but youd rather him say something to her beforehand to avoid a drunken argument. And ask questions about how he feels about all the talk of marriage, does he think they are compatible long term etc to get him thinking about it for himself rather than 'my sister thinks this is a bad idea'

makenomistake · 14/11/2022 15:25

In front of everyone I'd say "unlike you,
I have lots of friends and don't need a man to make me happy"!

Original poster
Scyla · 14/11/2022 15:27

I agree drinkfeckarse! I have been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt because I know being happy single does seem unsettling to people.

But, it's the lack of respect for me and insistence that I don't know my own mind that's troubling and how she wants to turn this fantasy she has made up about me being unhappy and with problems into a psychodrama - it goes way beyond her having a little discomfort.

OP posts:
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