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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to help a highly anxious child settle at a club

29 replies

UndertheCedartree · 14/11/2022 09:21

My 10 yo DD is highly anxious - she is autistic and also has Long Covid (mildly now) which has really ramped it up.

She won't do any after school clubs or after school care at school, although she does go to her gymnastics class which she started before she had Covid. I really want her to attend the kids club at my gym.

Has anyone any experience of settling an anxious child at a club and the best way to go about it?

I took her at the weekend and stayed with her for 10 min (longest an adult is allowed to stay) sitting next to her. Then when I had to go she didn't want to stay (as expected). I'm planning to take her this weekend and do the same but I'll sit on the sofa. I've also spoken to her about the staff and the children at the club and how nice they were. I'm also planning little 'prizes' for reaching the goal set.

Any ideas much appreciated.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 14/11/2022 09:22

Do she know anyone else there who you could arrange that they go at the same time

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 15/11/2022 09:26

Parker231 · 14/11/2022 09:22

Do she know anyone else there who you could arrange that they go at the same time

Unfortunately not.

OP posts:
Harrysnippleno3 · 15/11/2022 09:29

I really want her to attend the kids club at my gym.

Unfortunately you might have to accept this is t possible. Anxiety need less triggers, not more.

I don't say this to be shitty, I have been through it all and currently have a 12 year old who won't leave the house. What I have learned over the years of the less pressure the better.

ClaryFairchild · 15/11/2022 09:30

At nursery they have one of the children a paper daisy and the anxious child was able to remove one petal every 10 minutes. When the last petal came off their mum was outside to pick him up. Slowly over time they extended the intervals, and after awhile they didn't need to do this at all as he was happy to stay.

MoreTeaLessCoffee · 15/11/2022 09:35

Was it the first time she had ever been there? 10 minutes is a really short time for a child with your daughter's needs if so. First thing I would say is I would expect it to take much longer, several visits at 10 minutes each at least. Can you schedule in extra trips over the course of a couple of weeks so she gets more used to the environment?

How is she when you are there, is it that she is anxious about being there alone (which could potentially be managed) or is she anxious full stop in that setting, in which case it might not be right for her?

carefulcalculator · 15/11/2022 09:37

I think you are doing the wrong thing trying to force an anxious child to do something non-essential that they don't want to do because you want to do something you do want to do.

YABU towards your child.

AppleCrumbleRumble · 15/11/2022 09:46

How long is the gym club for ? an hour? You might need to do a shorter period initially like 20 minutes away from her then 30 and so on.
I would let staff know how she's feeling and see if they can couple her up with another 'mild' tempered gentle child around her age to buddy up with. Maybe they can introduce her to someone and have a calm activity for her to do.
Maybe the staff can tell her she could sit in that quiet corner or could do a certain activity if she would like to
It might be that you attend the gym when there is a lot of rowdy noisy children if possible to use it at a quieter time.
Maybe she needs something soothing like a fidget cube or her music on an ipod or something with her. I realise too old to take a comforter but sometimes something from home or distracting might help.

Is the purpose that she socialises and widens her circle or is it so you can exercise? If the latter and I don't blame you for it but it might be that you need to change your schedule or work out at home. If it's for her enjoyment and friendships then maybe another type of club where the dynamics and activities are different would suit her nature more.

I think it would help to know what her triggers are and see if the environment there is could be friendly for her needs. For example I have a child who gets too tired and finds it stressful around loud energetic children so I make sure she has more down time chilling out and doing gentle activities and avoid or minimise being around loud children as much as possible. Talk to her as to what her anxiety is about is it the socialising with strangers is it fear of being forgotten about and you getting late. It's hard parenting an anxious child so hugs to you x

FlounderingFruitcake · 15/11/2022 09:49

It would be one thing for a hobby she’s actually keen to do but just can’t get past the first step but kids club at the gym, I really don’t know that I’d bother. Can’t you go to the gym another time when someone else can look after her?

MoreTeaLessCoffee · 15/11/2022 10:07

Just to add to my above comment, I disagree with the commentators saying you should give up or that it's not important. It's really important you do everything you can to support your daughter to manage her anxiety so that she can participate in life as much as possible. She is attending school and one of her clubs so while you should be open to the eventual conclusion that it is too much for her, I definitely don't think you are at the point where you should simply accept she can't do it, there are lots of things you can try first.

Harrysnippleno3 · 15/11/2022 10:24

It's really important you do everything you can to support your daughter to manage her anxiety so that she can participate in life as much as possible.

If her life is limited by her anxiety then it's really important that OP supports her.

'Participating' in life is very often different for autistic people, understanding is key.

CurrentHun · 15/11/2022 10:53

A kids club at a gym doesn’t typically have much of a consistency of play leaders on the rota or of the activities available each week or of the same kids attending weekly, so there’s going to be a lot of novelty to cope with. That seems quite a tall order for a child with autism, long covid and anxiety. It’s not the same as routine childcare settings like an after school club might be.

Is she feeling anxious about doing physical activity or making a lot of mental effort because that makes her long covid symptoms feel worse? And they say that any kind of stress makes symptoms worse too.

Can she sit quietly with a book or screen at the back of your class if you need childcare to go to the gym etc? Provided it’s a quiet class?

GyaradosGranny · 15/11/2022 10:56

My 9YO autistic DS is the same and I wouldn't even consider doing what you're doing. It would be impossible!

It would be easier witn my DS to take him to the gym with me TBH. Or dump him at home with DH and go on my own (appreciate this isn't an option for everyone).

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 15/11/2022 12:14

ClaryFairchild · 15/11/2022 09:30

At nursery they have one of the children a paper daisy and the anxious child was able to remove one petal every 10 minutes. When the last petal came off their mum was outside to pick him up. Slowly over time they extended the intervals, and after awhile they didn't need to do this at all as he was happy to stay.

I think when/if we get to the point of me leaving her it will be really important that she knows when I'm coming back - thank you for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 15/11/2022 12:18

MoreTeaLessCoffee · 15/11/2022 09:35

Was it the first time she had ever been there? 10 minutes is a really short time for a child with your daughter's needs if so. First thing I would say is I would expect it to take much longer, several visits at 10 minutes each at least. Can you schedule in extra trips over the course of a couple of weeks so she gets more used to the environment?

How is she when you are there, is it that she is anxious about being there alone (which could potentially be managed) or is she anxious full stop in that setting, in which case it might not be right for her?

It was the first time last weekend. The problem with going at different times for a couple of weeks is that the activities are different and the DC would be different too.

When I was sitting with her she was reasonably relaxed, doing some colouring, but had head down low so did not talk/interact with anyone. (Although she was taking it all in). When I mentioned I would need to leave she became upset and I reminded her she could come with me which she did.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 15/11/2022 12:20

carefulcalculator · 15/11/2022 09:37

I think you are doing the wrong thing trying to force an anxious child to do something non-essential that they don't want to do because you want to do something you do want to do.

YABU towards your child.

I'm not forcing her. It is an activity she likes and she sort of wants to do it, but sort of doesn't because of her anxiety. I'm suggesting steps we could take to try and settle her into the group. It is her choice to try those steps.

OP posts:
CrookCrane · 15/11/2022 12:22

As she’s Autistic the gym are required by law to make reasonable adjustments for her. I would argue one of those adjustments is that she needs you there for longer than 10 minutes.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 15/11/2022 12:28

AppleCrumbleRumble · 15/11/2022 09:46

How long is the gym club for ? an hour? You might need to do a shorter period initially like 20 minutes away from her then 30 and so on.
I would let staff know how she's feeling and see if they can couple her up with another 'mild' tempered gentle child around her age to buddy up with. Maybe they can introduce her to someone and have a calm activity for her to do.
Maybe the staff can tell her she could sit in that quiet corner or could do a certain activity if she would like to
It might be that you attend the gym when there is a lot of rowdy noisy children if possible to use it at a quieter time.
Maybe she needs something soothing like a fidget cube or her music on an ipod or something with her. I realise too old to take a comforter but sometimes something from home or distracting might help.

Is the purpose that she socialises and widens her circle or is it so you can exercise? If the latter and I don't blame you for it but it might be that you need to change your schedule or work out at home. If it's for her enjoyment and friendships then maybe another type of club where the dynamics and activities are different would suit her nature more.

I think it would help to know what her triggers are and see if the environment there is could be friendly for her needs. For example I have a child who gets too tired and finds it stressful around loud energetic children so I make sure she has more down time chilling out and doing gentle activities and avoid or minimise being around loud children as much as possible. Talk to her as to what her anxiety is about is it the socialising with strangers is it fear of being forgotten about and you getting late. It's hard parenting an anxious child so hugs to you x

It is for an hour. It is an arts and crafts session so is a calm activity. That's a good idea about a calm place she could go. Maybe she could sit on the sofa if she wants to. The session was attended by all girls and all seemed reasonably calm. Oh and yes, great idea - she can take her chewellery or a fidget. The purpose is primarily for her to socialise (to the extent she wants to) and to do an activity she will enjoy but if she is able to settle then obviously I could use the gym or do a class. But that isn't the primary purpose as I go on my own at other times. Her anxiety is around the other DC. She's not scared of the play leaders (she's a bit shy but not anxious about them.)

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 15/11/2022 12:29

MoreTeaLessCoffee · 15/11/2022 10:07

Just to add to my above comment, I disagree with the commentators saying you should give up or that it's not important. It's really important you do everything you can to support your daughter to manage her anxiety so that she can participate in life as much as possible. She is attending school and one of her clubs so while you should be open to the eventual conclusion that it is too much for her, I definitely don't think you are at the point where you should simply accept she can't do it, there are lots of things you can try first.

Thank you. I agree with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 15/11/2022 12:31

Harrysnippleno3 · 15/11/2022 10:24

It's really important you do everything you can to support your daughter to manage her anxiety so that she can participate in life as much as possible.

If her life is limited by her anxiety then it's really important that OP supports her.

'Participating' in life is very often different for autistic people, understanding is key.

I completely understand that participating can be different for autistic people. I have autism as does her older brother.

OP posts:
carefulcalculator · 15/11/2022 12:32

UndertheCedartree · 15/11/2022 12:20

I'm not forcing her. It is an activity she likes and she sort of wants to do it, but sort of doesn't because of her anxiety. I'm suggesting steps we could take to try and settle her into the group. It is her choice to try those steps.

Show quote history

If your child wants to attend, then let her lead, as it is not a problem to you if she doesn't.

Your OP said I really want her to attend the kids club at my gym. and made no reference to her wanting attend.

Why does she want to attend? What is it she thinks she will get out of it? I would just focus on what she wants to achieve if she is genuinely wanting to do something.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 15/11/2022 12:32

CurrentHun · 15/11/2022 10:53

A kids club at a gym doesn’t typically have much of a consistency of play leaders on the rota or of the activities available each week or of the same kids attending weekly, so there’s going to be a lot of novelty to cope with. That seems quite a tall order for a child with autism, long covid and anxiety. It’s not the same as routine childcare settings like an after school club might be.

Is she feeling anxious about doing physical activity or making a lot of mental effort because that makes her long covid symptoms feel worse? And they say that any kind of stress makes symptoms worse too.

Can she sit quietly with a book or screen at the back of your class if you need childcare to go to the gym etc? Provided it’s a quiet class?

I've been told that it is usually the same DC that attend, not sure about the play leaders but we'll see.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 15/11/2022 12:34

GyaradosGranny · 15/11/2022 10:56

My 9YO autistic DS is the same and I wouldn't even consider doing what you're doing. It would be impossible!

It would be easier witn my DS to take him to the gym with me TBH. Or dump him at home with DH and go on my own (appreciate this isn't an option for everyone).

A while back it would have been impossible for DD too. But her anxiety is slowly improving especially due to her having play therapy.

OP posts:
Harrysnippleno3 · 15/11/2022 12:35

I completely understand that participating can be different for autistic people. I have autism as does her older brother.

Sorry OP the comment of mine you quoted when you said this wasn't aimed at you. It was a direct response to another poster.

carefulcalculator · 15/11/2022 12:38

I can't tell if this thread is:
-my DD wants to go to a club
or
-my DD half-wants to go to a club at my gym which would enable me to go to my gym class

As I would give a different answer to the first one than I did to the second one (which was my understanding of the thread).

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 15/11/2022 13:16

CrookCrane · 15/11/2022 12:22

As she’s Autistic the gym are required by law to make reasonable adjustments for her. I would argue one of those adjustments is that she needs you there for longer than 10 minutes.

Interesting point, thank you

OP posts: