Christmas Guests

[Username4561]

Am I being unfair?

We normally 'host' my family (my sis her kids and mum) for Christmas Dinner, and I use the word host very loosely.
We use my house as I have younger kids but really it is a team effort, sis and mum pitch, with all of it from buying food to clearing up.

We always extend an invite to PIL who only occasionally accept.

This time ILs want to accept but want us to host SIL and family as well.

Meaning a total of 15 people for dinner, 2 different dietary requirements. ILs aren't the sort to pitch in.

Am I being unfair to say No that 15 is too many people.

[ZekeZeke]

You are 100% Not being unreasonable.
If your in Laws want to invite people then they should host.

[ApplePieFry]

YANBU, but I think you should say to your in laws they’re welcome to help with prep and then you’ll host.

[Gustavo1]

of course you’re not being unreasonable not to want all that work. You shouldn’t feel pressured into it.
I don’t think there is any point offering on the condition of help. I’ve been there and the help just wasn’t forthcoming on the day.
”That’s too many people for one house” or “that’s too much work for me on Christmas Day” are both perfectly good reasons not to host an enormous get together.

[frozengoose]

I would say yes.
But I would give a clear shopping list for both PIL and SIL along with the chores that they would be covering.
Then they can decide if they want to come on that basis

[PiffleWiffleWoozle]

YANBU if you want to say no to host.

However if your ILs want to have a Christmas with their whole family together (as you do every year) what would be their option? Would you be prepared to go to them?

[Pocketfullofdogtreats]

15 people is a lot in one go in a normal sized house.Also, would it be a bit awkward? Do both sides of your family know each other well? I would make it one lot on Christmas Day and the other on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

[StripeyDeckchair]

Say yes on the condition that everyone takes on their allocated task and chios in

Eg SiL to bring starter for X adults & Y children to be served at whatever time no oven space available to use but 2 hobs free.

PIL to bring 2x red & 2x white wine + chocolates for adults for after dinner

And so on

Have rough costs for each in your mind so that all contributions are roughly equal.

If they don't like chipping in then they can't come - dinner for 15 (excluding starter & desert) is going to be min £100 - turkeys are sky high £ this year.

[Username4561]

@PiffleWiffleWoozle if they invited us, I'd probably have to say yes. But my preference would be to go to them on Boxing Day or something.

It wouldn't be easy for me to not have Christmas with Mum and Sis, both are single.

[isitginoclock]

@StripeyDeckchair

Say yes on the condition that everyone takes on their allocated task and chios in

Eg SiL to bring starter for X adults & Y children to be served at whatever time no oven space available to use but 2 hobs free.

PIL to bring 2x red & 2x white wine + chocolates for adults for after dinner

And so on

Have rough costs for each in your mind so that all contributions are roughly equal.

If they don't like chipping in then they can't come - dinner for 15 (excluding starter & desert) is going to be min £100 - turkeys are sky high £ this year.

Yes, you 100% do this. If you think that asking them is going to cause drama then don't invite them.
Speaking as someone whose in-laws find every excuse to cause drama if asked to do something they don't want to...

[Mixednuts574]

On a very practical point op, leaving aside the familial issue, as someone who has experience of hosting a big family, I can stretch to feeding twelve at home for a sit down dinner but beyond that, I near to hire or borrow extra glasses, cutlery, coffee cups, plates and chairs. And I need to set up an extra dining table to join up with our existing one (which is a pain). Also, if you are preparing things ahead, then fridge space is a massive headache. And wine costs will add up!

[Craftybodger]

Your side only adds 2.

In-laws seem to add many more.

I’d approach the in-laws and negotiate that it could only work (as long as you can squeeze them in) if everyone contributes and be prepared to delegate tasks and supplies. So if PIL don’t lift a finger give them more ££ to bring such as wine.

[Username4561]

@Mixednuts574

Yes that's crossed my mind too my good dinner set has 8 settings, my everyday stuff is also 8 but that means they'd barely be a spare plate in the house.

The more I think about it the more my blood runs cold. I actually think its quite a cheeky thing to ask.

DH has obviously been thinking that it's a huge amount of stress too. He thinks we should say No too.

[Mixednuts574]

@Username4561

@Mixednuts574

Yes that's crossed my mind too my good dinner set has 8 settings, my everyday stuff is also 8 but that means they'd barely be a spare plate in the house.

The more I think about it the more my blood runs cold. I actually think its quite a cheeky thing to ask.

DH has obviously been thinking that it's a huge amount of stress too. He thinks we should say No too.

In that case op, can you just say "I'm afraid we don't have the space" ?

[FlamingBells]

Is it too late to book into a pub/restaurant for Christmas dinner? That's what I'd do so that everyone is responsible for the dinner cost for their own family unit. If your pils want everyone to celebrate together then this could be an easier way to do it. At least you won't get lumbered with the cleaning and people won't be hanging round all day.

[Holidayhomehell]

I think its ok to say no. Don’t feel bad for hosting your mum and sister, they are on their own and chip in, so don’t feel like you have to change your plans.

We stopped asking my bil and sil. They came, sat on their backsides and didn’t help with anything…even the year where I had a 7 week old baby!! And they were rude enough to ask for pudding soon because they had to leave!!

[determinedtomakethiswork]

Just say no. The fact they want to come to you doesn't mean you have to accept them.

[Byelaws]

Of course it is OK to say no.

But, given you have your Mum and your Sister, don’t you think it is time for your in laws to have a turn with their DC? You sound like you are starting from quite a selfish place. But, still you can say no.

[Craftybodger]

I’m glad you and DH agree. I think you would be sensible to say no. Maybe you could soften it with an invitation for in-laws on another day over the festive period?

[Holly60]

@Username4561

@Mixednuts574

Yes that's crossed my mind too my good dinner set has 8 settings, my everyday stuff is also 8 but that means they'd barely be a spare plate in the house.

The more I think about it the more my blood runs cold. I actually think its quite a cheeky thing to ask.

DH has obviously been thinking that it's a huge amount of stress too. He thinks we should say No too.

I understand you don't want to do it, but it's not cheeky really. How many people would it be from each 'side'?

Maybe they are trying to be understanding of the fact you want to spend it with your mum and sis, but would also like to see their son and daughter together on Christmas Day?

[Holly60]

@Holidayhomehell

I think its ok to say no. Don’t feel bad for hosting your mum and sister, they are on their own and chip in, so don’t feel like you have to change your plans.

We stopped asking my bil and sil. They came, sat on their backsides and didn’t help with anything…even the year where I had a 7 week old baby!! And they were rude enough to ask for pudding soon because they had to leave!!

Her mum and sister wouldn't be on their own though surely- as even without OP they would still have each other and DSIS's children.

[Holly60]

Of course it's ok to say no by the way, but it does sound like your mum and sis are the non negotiables and in-laws are the 'extras'

If you don't want to host 15 people it is an option to tell your mum and sis that you aren't hosting them.

Obviously you won't do that, but I suppose I'm just highlighting another way of looking at it. It's only 15 people because you already host them, IYSWIM.

[gogohmm]

I would say yes but give them a list of things to contribute, fully cooked, if they are fairly local brought hot wrapped In foil and a towel to keep warm eg second joint of meat/veggie option if they are veggie plus something like cauliflower cheese maybe to free up your oven. Also stipulate bring x dessert and drinks

[Pumpkinpatchlookinggood]

Well if dh is most agreeable in saying no then no it is!!

[Tangelablue]

Just tell them you can't host that many guests and you will see them on boxing day. If they wanted to accept your invite they wouldn't have put terms and conditions on their acceptance.

[Mixednuts574]

Yes it's definitely ok to say "no".

What is wrong with this situation is that it isn't your pil's invitation to extend really. It is up to you and your DH to do that. And you have been put in an awkward position.

We got to the point where we alternated Christmases, so we would have my family one year, dh's the next, and then at one point we introduced a Christmas where we didn't host anyone on the third year. It worked well for quite a long time! I know you don't want to leave your mum or dsis in their own but maybe you could instigate something like this in future? But for now, how about doing separate days?