To think this was horrible of my dad?

[Rainbowparrots]

After my mum died, my dad met another woman. He’d spend Christmas with her and her family and I wasn’t invited.

@Johnnysgirl ‘poor little orphan angle’? That’s a nasty, deeply unpleasant comment. Something important is very absent in you if you truly think this way.

@Rainbowparrots Did he ever offer any 'excuse' for this ? (Not that there is any really.)

My uncle's 62- we still invite him to the family Xmas. It's family Christmas- there's no age where people stop being family. I and my sister still go and we're mid 40s. My mum's 75.

I did skip a year at 19 when I first went to uni, a long way away. My dad was there that year. I wasn't close to any of them at the time.

After that I became closer to my mum and sis and moved nearer.

Not his finest moment and very emotionally unintelligent 💐

I'm sure something like that would stay with you forever. I'm so sorry your dad was so shit 💐

I wouldn't allow any relative/friend to be alone at Christmas - never mind my own bloody child!

But if he'd moved in with her when you were 20, did he still keep his and your mum's home on for you and did he then leave it to you when he died. Or did you get your own place and he gave it up.

My Dad has spent every Christmas with his second wife, and then when they had them, their kids, except one time when his wife refused to come.

It’s been 30 years so his second kids are grown up adults now. But yep, every single Christmas with them or just his wife, despite an invite every other year as me and my siblings do, with our families.

He told us we can ‘go visit him’ instead. Which we all have dutifully done, but never felt welcome, house was tiny and it was getting increasingly hard to book hotels with all of our kids.

I'm so, so sorry OP. No, that really was shitty of him, and even if your dad was mourning, it was awful, especially when he 'celebrated' with his new partner and her children. Tbh pretty shocking of that side of the family not to make him invite you.

Also sorry you didn't get closure about this before your dad died, though I'm pretty certain your dad would have known how he failed you. Nothing to do with you, all to do with him. I do hope you have someone you can spend Christmas with this year.

Big hugs.

He’d get on great with my Dad, who met his fourth wife a decade ago, fucked off 250 miles away, and spends every Christmas “just them” - you mean like every other fucking day?!

Her DC are NC with her. Therefore she doesn’t like my Dad to have any contact with his. She has annihilated our previously close relationship, and he has allowed it.

He video called me for the first time in 5 years last summer (he hadn’t called me on the phone for the same amount of time, and wouldn’t answer the phone if I rang him).

I answered as I thought he might be calling about my Grandfather, who I’m still close, as he’s been unwell recently, or I wouldn’t have answered.

DD6 wandered in and said “Who’s that?”

I awkwardly said “Um… It’s my Dad”

”Don’t be silly Mummy, you’re an orphan. You don’t have a Dad and your Mummy died when you were little.”

I mean, she’s correct about what happened to my mother, she’s never met my Dad and I don’t speak about him as there’s fuck all appropriate to say about him to a 6YO.

From when my DF left ( I was 5) to be with his new woman, I never saw him on Xmas day until I was a teenager. And then when I did see him he’d pop in for 15 minutes sometime at night.

Is he still alive? If so tell him! And make sure he makes arrangements for some other poor bugger to have him for Christmas when he’s dependent.
he was disgraceful.

sorry - just realised that you can’t have it out with now. Glad you’re doing ok.

How awful, I'm so sorry OP. My own lovely, wonderful mum died when I was in my 20s and I still miss her every day. You don't know what made you think of it now, but I suspect it has something to do with the approach of Christmas, which is a time of year that seems to amplify loss. For me this wasn't helped when my SiL used that time of year to purposely twist the knife, then later my BiL and MiL started to follow suit. I now only see MiL (never on Christmas Day or the days immediately surrounding it) and things are better for not having to contend with this sort of negativity.

As if losing your mum, missing her, and grappling with all the family sentimentality that usually prevails throughout December, the last thing you need is cold or spiteful relatives making that pain even worse than it needs to be. Your father's behaviour is unconscionable, and would be, no matter what your age. That you were only 17 might very well push it into the category of unforgivable.

Ignore any posters telling you you're a grown adult and should therefore know how to deal with it. No matter what your age, you never stop missing your mum. And that's allowed.

Damn. That's horrible.

@Rainbowparrots so sorry this happened to you. Your df should’ve been there for you at such a delicate time. Yes, it was cruel.

No YANBU op your dad treated you pretty shittily. However posts with the very minimal information really irritate me as you then get a load of posts asking for further information.
By all means post about your experiences but please try and include information that is relevant.

And also dead now.

Good god. How awful. I know 40 year olds that would struggle with being left alone on Xmas let alone a grieving teenager.
Your Dad was a complete shit to do this. A selfish and inadequate bastard. Maybe you can forgive him and love him. I hope so for you. But know that he was deeply wrong.

So horrible of him! I’m sorry OP.
I’m an introvert and find Christmas tiring with lots of relatives but I wouldn’t see any relative or friend spend Christmas alone (unless they wanted that). I just don’t understand how anyone could leave out a child. Obviously your dad’s more at fault but I don’t understand the partner either. Surely someone would ask about what his daughter is doing for Christmas?

Fucking hell i mean sorry but it would be pretty shit at any age. Worse at 17 at the age OP was but still horrible at 27 or 37.

OP your feeling that this wasn’t right is spot on. You deserved and deserve better. Your Dad should be ashamed of his behaviour.

I don't see that it makes all that much difference... a couple of years... Most 20 year olds are not going to be established with a long-term relationship and new family at that age, so if their parents don't invite them for Christmas they are effectively guaranteeing them a Christmas alone... as a very young adult with no one else to turn to... very sad.