To not fear death but the aftermath!

[SnitterBug]

I'm due a big birthday soon . Obviously it's made me reflective. I'm not scare to die as such but I'm really scared of being aware of what's going on after my death in some way . As in being cremated or buried . Silly I know but it terrifies me .

I worry much less about death now as, in my mid 40’s, my youngest of three has flown the nest. It’s a relief knowing they all have their lives and I’m not needed as I was.
I don’t fear dying, but I do fear being in long term pain, being reliant on others, or having dementia.
I also fear the afterlife.

I’m more ‘scared’ of the fact that in 100 years nobody will remember me ☹️

I understand this completely OP. I have this huge fear of being burnt to death. It's hardly irrational because well, who wouldn't be scared of that, but I have to leave the room if it happens on a TV show etc.

I've told my entire family that I can't be cremated. I know I'll be dead, I don't believe in an afterlife, when you're dead, your dead. But I still can't be cremated, what if I feel it.

It makes no sense, has no logic to it, but I can't get past it.

Some years ago I did an introductory Death Doula workshop, where a group of about 14 of us spent the day discussing all aspects of death and dying, including what might happen next. It was fascinating and reassuring and so liberating to be able to talk openly in a group about something that so many fear.

One thing that was discussed was how our culture has taught us to fear something that every being on the planet experiences and none will avoid. During the introductory-circle talk the facilitator asked everyone to introduce themselves and say how they felt about being there that day. Almost everyone said they were 'anxious' or 'nervous' and very few said they were 'curious'. There were some Irish people there and they said that attitudes to death in Ireland are different and one woman's words stayed with me. She said, 'Mam's in the kitchen, the kids are playing out the front, Granny's dying in the back room and it's all just normal'. The Irish people there also talked about how in Ireland the body isn't whisked away within a couple of hours so everyone has the chance to pay their respects to the deceased and the family, which makes it more of a community thing, whereas we in this country isolate ourselves and don't talk about it. It was quite an eye-opener.

If you're nervous, it might be reassuring to go to something similar and talk with others face to face. Bringing the subject right out into the open really helps.

@America12 They won't always take a body. I've had patients refused twice.

My post was a bit tongue-in-cheek, however, you are correct.

They will not accept an "incomplete" body, so if you had your appendix out at 16 they won't want you.
Unless I lose any organs between now and death I'm good to go to the local Medical School....

if you had your appendix out at 16 they won't want you.

Wow, I didn't know that! What's the reasoning?

Have you planned what you do want your family to do with your body? If you want a burial you will need to buy a plot and not every parish has spare plots. They may have already have been sold off. Also, you would need to put aside funds for the cost as it's quite expensive and family might not be able to afford it. Headstones are expensive if you want one of those too.

@Handyweatherstation If you had your appendix out at 16 they won't want you.

Wow, I didn't know that! What's the reasoning?

Because the medical students can't work with an incomplete body. They need to see all the organs in situ to see their relationship to each other.
It's no use the anatomy tutor saying "Here we have a female body but as you can see she doesn't have a womb due to a hysterectomy, it should go here" (points at body cavity) "so you'll just have to imagine what it looks like"... Duh..

My apologies for being stupid...

@Handyweatherstation My apologies for being stupid...

It's not stupid at all to ask for information if you don't understand something.
If you aren't medically inclined it won't be obvious.

Ask away !

Thanks, Felicity. It was the 'Duh...' that had me concerned.

There is no aftermath, because you won't exist - therefore there is absolutely nothing to fear.

Yep, all sorted with this lot

www.greenlaneburialfield.co.uk/

Natural burial so significantly cheaper than buying a plot in a graveyard, and the coffins are far cheaper too. I've also got no interest in having a funeral either, I've never understood the point of them, they just seem like an added pressure for the family at a time they really don't need it. I'd prefer people celebrate my life than mourn my death, so I've also got money put aside to put behind the bar somewhere for a nice big party instead.

All in all, it should work out cheaper overall than a standard funeral and burial or cremation. It's also more environmentally friendly than either (although both of these things are both secondary concerns to the completely illogical concern of not having my dead body that I won't even be in any more burn)

The body is embalmed, rather like Egyptian mummies (but obviously a different process!)

OP, I listened to a podcast about death and dying a while ago. It was 2 women who dealt with death every day - I think they were nurses at one point. It was so lovely to listen to. I’ll see if I can find a link.

Found it - it’s Fortunately withFi and Jane episode 212 ‘Underpants Pyres, Death and Dying” on BBC iPlayer. Sorry, I don’t know how to post a link!

My patients were both cancer pts. One had MS as well.