Christmas

[ineedafairygodmother]

I'll try not to make this long.... basically my partner and my family do not get along, there's no need to go into details as it's not relevant to my post.
my family want nothing to do with him (which I accept and respect) however they acknowledge that I'm a big girl and can make my own choices (although they don't agree, they accept and respect to a degree)
Myself and partner have a DC. We don't live together at the moment however see each other frequently and will stay over.
I've told my family that I will be spending Christmas Day with partner and DC however they want me and DC to spend Christmas Day with them, or see partner on Christmas morning and then to go to them at lunchtime with DC. My decision has been met with 'disappointment' and I've been told I'm putting partner first and family second but I'm putting DC first so that she can spend Christmas with both parents.

AIBU to want to spend Christmas with my partner and DC?

Firstly, it's your Christmas you do what's best your you and your DC. If that's spending it with your partner then so be it.

Secondly, if they were that desperate to see you and DC then theyd grim and bare your partner.

Don't bow and let your parents guilt you, as you said, you're a big girl :)

I'm sure DC would prefer to have Christmas with mom and dad together than with nam/grandad and no dad.

Sorry that should of said nan!

And I forgot to put, you're completely unreasonable! I'd do the same :)

Of course you’re not, you’re a grown woman and can do whatever you like

However, I’m sure if you went in to the reasons he isn’t liked then you’d have some advice of its own and perhaps your family is actually looking out for you

Your partner and child are your close family and you should put them first, before your extended family. I'd be pretty annoyed if my partner put his parents before me in this situation. It would be the end of the relationship.

I’d probably visit for an hour then go back to partner. It’s Christmas Day and about your DC first of all, then wider family if you choose. Like I said I’d probably visit parents for an hour because that will also be nice for DC but most of the day DC will want to be with their pArentS

Why am I 99% sure your family are 100% correct in their views on your partner.

if somebody makes me choose between them or somebody else I always choose the somebody else

Do you live with your family? If yes, not sure you are a big girl yet.

Thank you for your replies
I haven't gone into details as 'everyone makes mistakes' and I firmly believe it's how you act after the mistakes are made that matters..... and my partner has done everything that was asked of him (by myself and my parents) I have forgiven him, we have had therapy and are in a much better place however my family have insisted they want nothing to do with him and I have been told we have to respect that. For context there was no cheating, violence etc
.... anyway, I agree that we are a family now and unfortunately my family do come second to my DC, Christmas is about them now! I think I just really needed to vent and actually make sure I wasn't being unreasonable.

No I live with my DC in my own place

I think you need to give the reason for all this.

It's irrelevant.... I'm asking if I'm being unreasonable to want to spend Christmas with my partner and DC when my family want me and DC to spend Christmas with them

Your parents shouldn't be making you pick sides.

You have your own DC it's not even a question.

Thank you

I agree and thank you

Interesting that your parents have said you’re putting family second.. actually you’re putting your family first. The family you’ve created! Once you have kids that family unit takes priority over your family of origin.

Thank you! This is exactly what I need to hear

If your partner’s past behaviour was considered unforgivable to each and every member of your family, what do your friends think about him and his past “mistakes”

My friends have seen the changes and how his previous behaviour no longer exists and also they see the bigger picture whereas my family won't even consider any changes he's made, they don't want to know, which I've learnt to accept as that is their decision.

Also @Hellopello this is only immediate family, my wider family ie cousins etc accept us and are very happy that we have worked things out

Your parents couldn't care less about your happiness if they did then they wouldn't put you in this position.

Tell them this, then spend Xmas with your partner.

Horrible selfish ppl making your life hard.

Thank you.
I'm almost certain a lot of things they think I should do is more to punish my partner instead of actually thinking what is best for me and DC, or what I actually want and for my happiness.

Yanbu to spend Christmas with your partner and child. Ignore the pps who think he must have done something terrible they're just being nosy bastards.
It is always difficult if someone's partner has done something wrong and you tell family and then you forgive them. Wider family tend to remember the upset and expect whatever it was to happen again. Only you can decide about your life.

You've hit the nail on the head!

I am being a ‘nosy bastard’ 😁as Ffsmakeitstop says as I’m hoping that there is nothing in partner’s behaviour that will place you or your young child in a traumatic situation or at risk. Hope you and your child, partner and family have a wonderful Christmas Op. It’s not easy for many of us in the lead up to the big day as it often magnifies any family issues, but hopefully you can work out something for you & your child to spend time celebrating with everyone, even if on seperate days