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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner moody/ unromantic

28 replies

Westcoastlass · 12/11/2022 12:16

This sounds really silly but i just dont understand it and need someone elses views (theres not really any friends of family i can ask without people being nosey and gossiping)
About a week ago my DH of 10 years phoned when he was at work and said he had bought me a cake. When he came home he said put the kids to bed and I'll get your cake which I did. Then he said make me a cuppa tea and ill get your cake which I did. We sat watching TV then I was sorting washing tidying kitchen etc then he said go up stairs and get me a clean t shirt and I'll get you your cake which I did. By this time it was after 10pm and I said I'm just going to my bed im done waiting for a cake lol I felt like he was playing a game? The next day I asked where the cake was and he said he will make it upto me and buy me flowers.

We've hardly spoke all week, hes really busy with work, been doing loads of hours and hardly home but i thibk he goes to the shop to buy his lunch / juice but no flowers or cake lol. I don't know if AIBU?

Yesterday I had a bit of a bad morning for various reasons.. bad news at an appointment a few other things plus a little bit of day to day stress which didnt help. but I had a good cry picked myself up so by school pick up time I was OK. I told DH I was feeling a bit low but I had chocolate a cry and ill be fine. I was looking forward to him getting home. He text on way home to say on the way home love you my princess cant wait to see you something along those lines.

I went food shopping got myself a bottle of wine, friday night treats for our family movie night. Got him a few things he likes. Ordered take away. He got home about 7pm he went straight upstairs . So I was downstairs juggling feeding our 4 month old, 3 year old climbing all over me. Arguing with our 5 year old. Getting thrm orgonised for bed. DH was in his bed he was sorting stuff out for work on his phone. I asked him for kids pjs but he was busy onnhis phone so i got them myself. About half an hour later I had 2 kids nearly sleeping on me our other child was saying there was someone at the door so I shouted DH I think that's dinner at the door.
He ran down and started shouting swearing that no one is at the door I better not start my shite tonight he said if you start with your fucking attitude I'll fucking rip you to pieces can't be bothered with your shite he will fucking rip me apart. I burst out crying and when dinner arrived I had completely lost my appetite.
It was already an emotionally hard day and for him to not be there to support me instead he said he thought telling me he would rip me apart would snap me out of whatever mood he thought I was in.

So I put the kids to bed. He was lying accross the couch watching Tv. The kitchen was a mess so I spent 20 mins or so tidying and cleaning it up then I went to bed.

Hes away to work today I'm home with the kids he's been on the phone as if nothing has happened he's asking what's wrong why am I not talking much asking if I'm upset????? AIBU to expect him to apologise. If I tell him what's wrong with me I will end up crying we will end up arguing but I don't want to spend the rest of the weekend in a bad atmosphere either. If I act like nothing is wrong he will thing he's done nothing wrong

OP posts:
superdupernova · 12/11/2022 12:33

He ran down and started shouting swearing that no one is at the door I better not start my shite tonight he said if you start with your fucking attitude I'll fucking rip you to pieces can't be bothered with your shite he will fucking rip me apart. I burst out crying and when dinner arrived I had completely lost my appetite.

He doesn't sound moody/unromantic, he sounds bloody terrifying.

Original poster
Westcoastlass · 12/11/2022 12:37

Just to add, he's never been violent he's never hit me or the kids. He's under loads of stress with work normally he is a nice guy, great dad but doesn't deal with stress well.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 12/11/2022 12:42

He’s not a nice guy or a good dad
Probably scared and upset the kids with all the shouting as well as being emotionally abusive to you

Newusernameaug · 12/11/2022 12:42

He sounds really nasty - the cake thing is just strange and totally playing with you.

from what you’ve said, you’re in an abusive relationship and he’s bullying you.

LikeTearsInRain · 12/11/2022 12:42

Sounds like a bell end

FictionalCharacter · 12/11/2022 12:45

Screaming at you and threatening you with violence is unforgivable, but he sounds really nasty. He called you to say he’d bought you a cake, told you twice he’d give it to you if you did something for him, and there wasn’t even any cake?! No normal person does that. It’s toying with you for his entertainment.

Notimeforaname · 12/11/2022 12:47

What's the craic with the cake ? Why a cake ? Had you asked for one?

Notimeforaname · 12/11/2022 12:50

If I tell him what's wrong with me I will end up crying we will end up arguing but I don't want to spend the rest of the weekend in a bad atmosphere either. If I act like nothing is wrong he will thing he's done nothing wrong

Well you'll have to pick one or the other and deal with it. You have a problem,you need to solve it and not sit on the fence.

Bring it up and try to work through it, or leave/ask him to leave.
Or you can just keep living like this.
They are your only 3 options

3487642l · 12/11/2022 12:51

superdupernova · 12/11/2022 12:33

He ran down and started shouting swearing that no one is at the door I better not start my shite tonight he said if you start with your fucking attitude I'll fucking rip you to pieces can't be bothered with your shite he will fucking rip me apart. I burst out crying and when dinner arrived I had completely lost my appetite.

He doesn't sound moody/unromantic, he sounds bloody terrifying.

He is threatening to physically harm you. That is terrifying and abusive.

Please don't confront him but call Women's Aid for support.

ilyx · 12/11/2022 12:52

This is absolutely not normal. I thought he was a freak when I was reading about the cake and him making you do all these chores for a cake, but the takeaway part was insane.

Adelais · 12/11/2022 12:54

So did he actually buy a cake? I’m confused about that part.
He sounds horrible though, stress is no excuse to be abusive.

ArrabellaAM · 12/11/2022 12:56

Surely this can't be a genuine post.
If it is, it's glaringly obvious what you need to do op.
(Leave him...)

Original poster
Westcoastlass · 12/11/2022 12:57

I think he meant tear me apart with words if I started with an attitude. He's never threatened violence before and isn't violent. Me and the kids are safe . Maybe teary / emotional but safe . I'm taking the 3 of them to a park or soft play for distraction x

OP posts:
honeylulu · 12/11/2022 12:58

This is actually shockingly awful. The making you skivvy after him because he said he'd bought you something (that I bet you hadn't even asked for but wouldn't dare say "I don't want it anyway") but which was a total lie is just so calculating and nasty.

Then the verbal abuse threatening to "rip you apart" for giving him "attitude" because you asked him to open the door when a takeaway was due and you were busy getting three kids in their pjs .. just what???

He's not moody and unromantic. He's cruel and abusive

Original poster
Westcoastlass · 12/11/2022 12:59

I have no idea. I think it was maybe in his car and he got too tired to go and get it. Probably ate it himself the next day and thinks he can buy me flowers to make up for it. He's never done anything like this before

OP posts:
Original poster
Westcoastlass · 12/11/2022 13:09

I think he was busy dealing with a work email up stairs when there was no one at the door he thought I had lied about the door and had an attitude (I didn't- my DD was running around saying someone's at the door and my other kids were sleeping on me so it was easier to get him to check - he will probably say I was deliberately trying to get him angry - I wasn't. To be honest I had a really traumatic and upsetting morning and just wanted a nice romantic evening with my husband I honestly though he was bringing me home cake and flowers to cheer me up. He's texting and phoning today calling me princess etc like nothing had happened and he's done nothing wrong

OP posts:
Riapia · 12/11/2022 13:12

You was willing to trot about like an obedient little skivvy for a cake?

superdupernova · 12/11/2022 13:13

I think you've lost sight of what a normal relationship is like.

If I asked my DH to get the door and there was nobody there, his first reaction wouldn't be to get angry, he'd just assume I thought I heard it and made a mistake.

He wouldn't ever threaten to rip me to pieces either emotionally or physically. That's not even in the vocabulary of most men.

He wouldn't ask me to run around after him all evening while pretending to get me cake.

Branleuse · 12/11/2022 13:17

Wow, thats a lot more than moody and unromantic. He lies to you and breaks promises and agreements, and then hes aggressive and verbally abusive

arethereanyleftatall · 12/11/2022 13:18

He is isn't moody and unromantic. He is a mean, nasty, cunt.

Original poster
Westcoastlass · 12/11/2022 13:21

Yeh to be honest I would be doing those things anyway he was exhausted from work so I normally have dinner ready make him tea if I'm not dealing with the kids. I think maybe the cake was in the car and he couldn't be bothered getting it. He's never done anything like that before

OP posts:
Vikinga · 12/11/2022 13:21

He sounds sadistic to me.

Why are you running around doing everything whilst he plays games with you?

Or was the text meant for someone else?

All that shite about a non existent cake?? Why are you allowing him to speak to you and treat you like this?

Notimeforaname · 12/11/2022 13:22

You'll have to bring it up with him ..or just live with it. That's it.

EarthSight · 27/11/2022 15:05

he said if you start with your fucking attitude I'll fucking rip you to pieces can't be bothered with your shite he will fucking rip me apart

he's been on the phone as if nothing has happened he's asking what's wrong why am I not talking much asking if I'm upset?????

People like him will try an minimise what's happened because they basically want to carry on as they are. They don't want you to question it, they will carry on as if nothing has happened because they don't want the situation to continue to escalate to the point where you will leave. They also don't want t be accountable for their actions or have to explain themselves.

Some people have also grown up in families where this behaviour was a normal part of daily life and extreme behaviour was just part of all their relationships. In that context, they won't realise why their behaviour is so bad, but most people do have a sense that this sort of thing is unacceptable. They just want to continue taking the piss.

yellowsmileyface · 27/11/2022 15:36

Westcoastlass · 12/11/2022 12:57

I think he meant tear me apart with words if I started with an attitude. He's never threatened violence before and isn't violent. Me and the kids are safe . Maybe teary / emotional but safe . I'm taking the 3 of them to a park or soft play for distraction x

Making threats like that is violent behaviour. A healthy relationship doesn't include threats of any kind. And you're not safe, not emotionally.

The cake thing is very bizarre and sounds like he was purposefully messing with you and was enjoying using it to facilitate giving orders to you. In short, it sounds very controlling and manipulative.

I'm sorry to say it sounds like you're in an abusive relationship. When a woman feels a need to defend her partner with exclamations that "he's never hit me!", that is usually actually a sign that he is, in fact, abusive. Women who aren't being abused never need to say that.

When you reach a point that you realise it's easier to keep your mouth shut and push down your upset feelings to avoid arguments, you're already playing a losing game.

Please ring women's aid for support.