Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my job after 20 years?!

29 replies

Cakeyface123 · 12/11/2022 11:35

Hi everyone - long thread. Would really appreciate any words of advice.

A bit of background - I love my job (it’s part time/job share) but over the years it has become unbearably stressful. Im on a good wage. I doubt I’ll ever be on this wage again in my life. Recent changes within the team has pushed moral down and stress levels up (for everyone). The environment now feels toxic at work and it doubtful anything will change.

At home things are hard. I have a son with Autism/PDA and ADHD. He does not currently go to school. He displays really challenging behaviour and up until recently work has been quite the respite for me.
Things came to a head two weeks and I had quite an embarrassing breakdown in work. I’ve been off sick since (with stress).

Im now thinking I might leave this job. I’m wondering if it’s time to admit that juggling a stressful job with a child with additional needs is just not possible. Something has to give right?

Im terrified of making this decision and then regretting it. My job is a huge part of who I am and if I leave I might just end up stuck at home with no confidence and no outside life.

But at the same time, I’m the last two weeks I feel like a weight has been lifted (ie not being in work). We can afford to do this financially but we’ll have to really budget carefully and make some cutbacks.

DH is supportive either way. He just wants me to be happy (and better able to cope with DS). Being round DS is exhausting so I’d need to do something on a Friday - when DH works from home. Not sure what I’d do?

Has anyone else been in this position? Does anyone work for just one day a week? I’m wondering whether to do non-clinical bank work with the nhs? Or just some on/off casual work (I quite fancy being an elf in a Christmas grotto over Christmas 🙈😂)

YABU - suck it up and get back in work woman!

YANBU - leave the job and be the elf - money isn’t everything.

OP posts:
Tigofigo · 12/11/2022 11:43

I would take some time to think about your identity and what makes you you, what fills your soul and gives you a sense of worth.

So many parents stop work to look after their children with extra needs but often it comes at the cost of a sense of self.

StirredNotShaken00 · 12/11/2022 11:45

Can you take some more time of sick op to have a really good think about what you want to do?

If you've been there for 20yrs I'd imagine you'd be entitled to a reasonable amount of time off? (Am assuming you're nhs)

kateandme · 12/11/2022 11:58

Could you get help with dc.
if the load was lighter with dc would you still want to leave?
is this really a permanent weight lifted or the novelty of these few weeks.if this was permanent would you still feel the same or could it be it was exactly what you needed at the time.my worry would be it might be a relief now but if this was your every day forever wouod you then yearn for work. But then your dc is still going to be strugggling so maybe you can’t have both.
really tricky.
couod you have a good long time off? Then you could really see and or maybe get your dc more settled or help?
either way still go be an elf op! Maybe this is the type of thing you need more of.if you can,the random bits that bring you joy and break up the rough parts.

Original poster
Cakeyface123 · 12/11/2022 12:00

Thank you both for responding. I’m not even sure who I am anymore. I’m finding it impossible to make decisions. I can’t think straight and one second I’m sure I’ve decided not then moments later I backtrack and decide the opposite. I’m having to make some really important decisions about DS (medication/school etc) and I genuinely think my brain just can’t cope with it and it’s almost shutting down (mental burnout or something) My DS is the most important - the decisions re him are my priority hence me going off work sick.

I know nobody can make this work decision for me - but I wish someone could tell me what to do 🙈 I feel like flipping a coin I really do

OP posts:
Original poster
Cakeyface123 · 12/11/2022 12:07

kateandme · 12/11/2022 11:58

Could you get help with dc.
if the load was lighter with dc would you still want to leave?
is this really a permanent weight lifted or the novelty of these few weeks.if this was permanent would you still feel the same or could it be it was exactly what you needed at the time.my worry would be it might be a relief now but if this was your every day forever wouod you then yearn for work. But then your dc is still going to be strugggling so maybe you can’t have both.
really tricky.
couod you have a good long time off? Then you could really see and or maybe get your dc more settled or help?
either way still go be an elf op! Maybe this is the type of thing you need more of.if you can,the random bits that bring you joy and break up the rough parts.

I have a meeting next week with HR and my manager to discuss this. There is a slight side story here about unfair workload so I am going to raise this. It would be good if they could put something in place to tackle it but I’m not sure they will. But I think the environment itself at work will not improve. It leaves me feeling drained and exhausted these days (it’s working in a line of work with lots of social issues - so obviously due the cost of living crisis and lack of social support out there, it massively affects what I do - and it’s only going to get worse)

im going to see what they say at the meeting next week. I’m dreading it. I hope I can speak properly and not end up crying 🙈

OP posts:
slowquickstep · 12/11/2022 12:19

What age is your DS ?

Windbeneathmybingowings · 12/11/2022 12:23

I recently left a place where there were several long time staff of 20+ years. It was a big decision for me as it had everything on paper that I needed, I could do the job easily and could have gone on tolerating it but seething at the end of everyday.

I decided the easy road was not for me. I was open about the reasons - it was fine enough but not a challenge or fulfilling. Every single person said the same, that they wished they had gone years ago and now they were stuck there as it had been so long and they were afraid and they were past learning new skills now, they were unhappy but couldn’t leave now as it was to late.

Leave. Live your life.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 12/11/2022 12:26

Just to add that I still see a lot of my old colleagues and when asked about how I’m getting on in the new job (it’s amazing) they all say oh well if you enjoy that kind of thing/it’s not for me/I’m just happy plodding along/it’s great for you but I’m happy enough etc

its really a decision about how unhappy you are willing to be for the sake of convenience.

Endofmyteatherr · 12/11/2022 12:29

I would give it up. Of your in a high role I would look for a role less stressful but for now focus on you and your child.

Ingrainedagainstthegrain · 12/11/2022 12:31

I wouldn't leave if work is usually the respite.

Tigofigo · 12/11/2022 12:32

Could you take parental leave, or a sabbatical? I wonder if 3 months off might give you clarity.

SilverCatStripes · 12/11/2022 12:36

Hi OP, I made the decision to go on pt bank work to try and get a better work life balance (son has ASD and DH is forces so used to be away a lot) and honestly it’s the best thing I ever did - I only work school hours now and I am so much happier.

it’s a massive cliche but more free time will make you happier than more money.

LemonGelato · 12/11/2022 12:40

Tigofigo · 12/11/2022 12:32

Could you take parental leave, or a sabbatical? I wonder if 3 months off might give you clarity.

I agree, consider taking a period of unpaid parental leave so you can assess how being at home full time works for you, DH & DS.

But before that, if you are unwell and not able to work right now, get signed off for as long as you need on paid sick leave ot recuperate. When you go back , ask for an occupational health assessment first, a review of workload and a phased return starting off at part time. Don't rush it. Read your company policies and ensure you are treated in accordance with those.

20 years of service gives you 'credit in the bank' and you deserve time to recover and consider the future. Perhaps a part time job somewhere else would offer a better balance but take the time to find out what's possible. And yes some people do work 1 day a week, often topping up for a person whose gone to 4 days. It's not common but certainly happens - we have someone at my workplace now who's 1 day a week as the function only needs that.

Orangesandlemons77 · 12/11/2022 12:42

Is there a way you could do it part time or in a less stressful way? or investigare something similar perhaps. Also could look into PIP for your son and carer's allowance

vjg13 · 12/11/2022 12:48

I did similar after over 20 years. I was part time but will never be able to return under the same terms and conditions. I had a child with additional needs and a parent with dementia. I asked for redundancy and then took a one year unpaid career break. I was clear that I did not wish to return and gave 3 months notice as required. It was the right decision for me.

JamieFrasersBigSwingingKilt · 12/11/2022 12:52

How old are you OP? Some of the feelings you're experiencing could be due to peri menopause. Just a thought...

endofthelinefinally · 12/11/2022 12:59

Part time? Carer's leave? Ask social services for a carer's assessment and pursue DLA/PIP as pp have suggested. What ever you decide, don't make the decision in haste. Take some sick leave and use it to explore all avenues of possible help and assistance. Post on the special needs board here too, for advice.
AIBU isn't the best place for correct information and advice, although you have come across some kind and helpful posters today, sometimes you get unkind or unhelpful comments.

reachforthebloodymary · 12/11/2022 13:04

I would leave and become an elf

If you can take some time away from the job and keep it open (unpaid leave type thing) then sensibly that might be the way forward.

But I, honestly think if a job is making you have a breakdown and its looking like its only going to get worse, find another one, especially if you are in a position of being able to cope on one wage.

You might find that you are happier being an elf. Give yourself a deadline of say 6 months and see how you feel,

Original poster
Cakeyface123 · 12/11/2022 13:23

Thank you all much for your thoughts and ideas. I appreciate it massively. It’s weird M how much this helps, just mulling it over with strangers …

to the first poster who said something about finding something ‘feeds my sole’ I can’t stop thinking about this. Thank you x

in answer to some questions/ideas.

I already took a 6 month career break a few years ago when problems with DS started getting bad. At this point work were very supportive of this. I also already work part time. This was a decision work also supported (I think they just want me to leave now). It has always been a stressful and demanding job (nature of the job) but it’s in the past 3-4 months I’ve felt so overwhelmed to the point of not enjoying it.

Im early 40s, DS is 7. I have a teenager too. Not sure about peri-menopause but weirdly for the last few months I have wondered if I’ve got PMDD.

Son gets DLA - so yes I have been looking into carers allowance and this DLA award is what would enable me to leave work tbh. It’s only been awarded for two years though as he got the formal diagnosis(s) after the award had been made.

im going to read through the replies again later and not a few things down ready for my meeting

OP posts:
vjg13 · 12/11/2022 13:44

Carer's allowance is a pitifully low amount (I claim it) but it does protect your NI contributions. Good luck!

Blondewithredlips · 12/11/2022 14:13

Do you work for the NHS?

Pumperthepumper · 12/11/2022 14:16

Are you a teacher?

Orangesandlemons77 · 12/11/2022 14:20

I thnk you can earn a little on carer's might be a thought. Something very part time perhaps

Squeezedsquash · 12/11/2022 14:24

Just to add that I know plenty of mid 40s women who, having done a version of the same career for 20 years, are wanting a break/change/out. Even without the extra loads you’re carrying.

LadyWithLapdog · 12/11/2022 14:28

OP, I would leave. Your DP is supportive and you can cope financially. That’s two huge things that you don’t need to stress about. You say work is your respite and who you are, but also hugely stressful. You can take some time to explore who else you are. You’re still young. What’s the alternative? Doing the same job for another 20 years till retirement? You know you’ll have to move eventually.

Swipe left for the next trending thread