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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband working hours

31 replies

ballser82 · 12/11/2022 10:16

For context - husband and I both work full time from home. We have a 5yo and a 1yo. Husband bought a taxi and paid for taxi licence a few years ago when we went through a bad patch. We didn't discuss/agree on it. He wanted to taxi full time but kept his full time reliable wage and now goes out part time.

My monthly outgoings remain the same/have increased since having another child. He uses his taxi income to pay for holidays or help out with Xmas, we earn roughly the same wage before taxi earnings.

He chooses to work a Friday night as more lucrative usually. He goes out at 4pm, will take breaks and have food while working and gets home at 3/4am. He is a very light sleeper and likes to have around 7/8 hours uninterrupted sleep after working.

I get up with the kids the next day and spend my morning stressed out trying to keep them quiet in case we wake him, he can be very grumpy if he's not had enough sleep. 1yo doesn't sleep through so no one usually has a full nights sleep any other day.

We do go out some Saturday mornings to give him peace but the shower is in the en suite, I have to plan in advance to have all my clothes, hair stuff, make up etc out of my room the night before and if we make too much noise he will wake so a shower is out of the question.

Aibu to think that he should choose better hours to suit his young family and need for sleep?

I'm going out for lunch with the girls at 12 and need to wash my hair but can't feel I can go in until he's up around 11.30/12!!

OP posts:
KitKat1985 · 12/11/2022 10:21

You could ask him to cut back his hours, but you would need to accept cutting back on Christmas / holidays etc. He would probably rather not do the extra hours too, and I can understand it's a pain for you on Saturday's, but he's obviously doing it too make extra money for his family so it's tricky. Maybe compromise and ask him to finish more like midnight / 1am; and trim back on the holiday fund a bit?

luxxlisbon · 12/11/2022 10:27

Do you not want him to do the taxi work at all? Or just at a different time?
If you spend the money on holidays and Christmas it sounds like you need it in a way, at least to not live a bare bones life.
The way you mention he eats food and has breaks on a 11/12 hour shift makes it sound like you think he’s living the life of riley out working until 4am!
If Friday nights are higher earnings surely he would have to work longer over Saturday/ Sunday to earn the same?

If you knew you were going out the next day early afternoon couldn’t you just have washed your hair before bed while you were alone?

On the face of it you seem a bit unreasonable, he’s out working until the early hours of the morning and asking for a lay in until 11am. He’s not out partying.

luxxlisbon · 12/11/2022 10:28

Aibu to think that he should choose better hours to suit his young family and need for sleep?

If he’s working full time what are the better hours though?
Would you prefer working during the day on Saturday and Sunday?
It seems like Friday night actually cuts into the family weekend as little as possible while working an extra 12 hours.

thelobsterquadrille · 12/11/2022 10:29

Aibu to think that he should choose better hours to suit his young family and need for sleep?

What better hours when he works full time already?

CareIessWispa · 12/11/2022 10:30

Does he work a full day in his full time job on Friday then goes straight out to drive a taxi for another 11/12 hours?

Do you need the money?

Because he sounds like a very hard worker.

Original poster
ballser82 · 12/11/2022 10:30

He actually really enjoys it, think he enjoys that it gets him out the house away from the kids for a while lol he gets annoyed if I ask him to work less hours and states it's worth his while staying out. He goes out on a Tuesday as well and if I ask him to go out after dinner he is in a very bad mood as it doesn't suit him. He has also started doing Saturday nights as it's busy at Xmas.

Money wise we would still go on holiday and I usually pay for most of Xmas anyway but I think he would struggle to put money aside for a holiday as I don't know what he does with his money each month and isn't open to help each time I suggest we take a look at his outgoings. He spends a lot on maintenance for his taxi and is never out the garage getting new tyres, brake pads etc.

As harsh as it sounds I don't feel I benefit from the hours he puts in as I'm more careful with my money but I'm the one left holding the fort and doing extra housework while he goes out to work. I'm seeing little benefit from my point of view and the Saturday long lie is starting to really grate especially as he now wants to go out later on a Saturday.

Essentially we will only see him for 4 hours on a Saturday which leaves no time for family fun. On a Sunday he will want to lie in too after working.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 12/11/2022 10:33

He's doing it for the family not out on the razzle. If you don't want him to do it, or choose a less lucrative shift you'll have to cut back on luxuries. You could have washed your hair the night before.

dammit88 · 12/11/2022 10:33

But you are going out with 'the girls' today? So he's giving you time to yourself too? I think you are being unreasonable. He's working hard to support his family in uncertain times and to be honest of course a taxi driver will have more business working on a Friday or Saturday nights. Thats not to say I don't have any sympathy or understand its a bit frustrating but I don't think he is doing anything wrong.

ilovesooty · 12/11/2022 10:35

You sound determined to put him in the wrong here.

sst1234 · 12/11/2022 10:36

So you like what the extra money buys you but you don’t like the hours he works to get that extra money?

luxxlisbon · 12/11/2022 10:36

Essentially we will only see him for 4 hours on a Saturday which leaves no time for family fun. On a Sunday he will want to lie in too after working.

How do you only see him for 4 hours because he has a lie in until 11am? Your kids aren’t going to be at 3/4pm!
Its fine to say he only gets to lie in on a Saturday and not a Sunday though.

Your post is confusing though, first he paid for holidays and Christmas with the money now he doesn’t and you pay for both of those?

I think you’re being unfair from the perspective of implying he isn’t really working because he enjoys it. Does my full time job count less because I enjoy it? I’m still working.

PinkSyCo · 12/11/2022 10:38

So what hours would you like him to work ideally?

Original poster
ballser82 · 12/11/2022 10:43

I'm out for 2 hours today for lunch with the girls and he is 'giving' me that time to myself as Iv not been out the house without my kids or done anything for myself in over 6 weeks.

He does work very hard there's no doubt about it but there is no ask of him to do this. We would manage each month without his taxi income but I understand he wants to do it and possibly has debt im not aware of that he's trying to pay off.

Our weekends are spent with him working and sleeping, we're not in dire straights, our kids are young and there is no pressure than I'm aware of for him to work these hours. I'd rather him spend time with us and the kids while they're young.

OP posts:
DoubleGauze · 12/11/2022 10:43

I think I can see what you're saying op. Is it that he doesn't budget his spending , so that any extra money just goes anyway? And you are working plus looking after children all of the time , so feel that it's unfair?

As an aside , would it be viable for him to be a cabbie full time? It sounds like he enjoys this job.

thelobsterquadrille · 12/11/2022 10:49

I'm out for 2 hours today for lunch with the girls and he is 'giving' me that time to myself as Iv not been out the house without my kids or done anything for myself in over 6 weeks.

Why on earth not?

luxxlisbon · 12/11/2022 10:52

Our weekends are spent with him working and sleeping, we're not in dire straights, our kids are young and there is no pressure than I'm aware of for him to work these hours. I'd rather him spend time with us and the kids while they're young.

He works a Friday night though, I genuinely don’t understand how this is the case? He sleeps in one morning, tell him he can have until 11am and that’s it.
If he doesn’t engage with family life that is a separate issue and YABU to be dramatic about the Friday night and claim it’s ruining the whole weekend.

Go out and do some more things in your life away from the kids too.

Original poster
ballser82 · 12/11/2022 10:53

Yes @DoubleGauze that's it in a nutshell thank you.

@sst1234 the extra money isn't really buying me anything so I just don't like the hours he works as I don't think it's that necessary. I said he helps out with Xmas, I pay for the majority and always have done. He booked next years holiday without telling me, he is paying for the flights and accommodation and I'm covering spending money he said.

He has started working more Saturdays so wants to go out today at 4pm. He will get up at 11/12 today. Tomorrow he will want to do the same.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 12/11/2022 10:53

So now you've dropped in the possibility of debt you're unaware of?

NEmama · 12/11/2022 10:54

Wash your hair the night before and take stuff to another room so you can get ready?

Original poster
ballser82 · 12/11/2022 10:56

He came home one day with a car to taxi in and a licence to drive it which costs thousands. I'm guessing there may be more debt than I'm aware of. He never seems to have much cash even when he's working these extra hours and won't sit down to work out money with me.

We have separate accounts and send money to a joint for the household bills and childcare.

OP posts:
3487642l · 12/11/2022 10:57

So because your finances are separate he spends the time earning extra money for him to choose how to spend, and you do extra unpaid child care, under more difficult conditions, with no extra money to show for it?

Original poster
ballser82 · 12/11/2022 11:03

3487642l · 12/11/2022 10:57

So because your finances are separate he spends the time earning extra money for him to choose how to spend, and you do extra unpaid child care, under more difficult conditions, with no extra money to show for it?

Essentially yes. Not quite fussed as much on having extra money to show for it but it seems unfair/pointless to me.

I don't expect him to hand over his wages but I feel like I'm too naive at times and should make him sit down and discuss his outgoings to get to the bottom of why he wants to work so much yet says he doesn't have much money.

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 12/11/2022 11:03

3487642l · 12/11/2022 10:57

So because your finances are separate he spends the time earning extra money for him to choose how to spend, and you do extra unpaid child care, under more difficult conditions, with no extra money to show for it?

I mean he spent it on flights and accommodation for a family holiday, it’s not really true that OP sees no financial benefit. It really doesn’t come across as him spending it on himself.

3487642l · 12/11/2022 11:17

@ballser82
He booked next years holiday without telling me, he is paying for the flights and accommodation and I'm covering spending money he said

Did you discuss holiday location and timing and mutually agree to it, and then he went ahead and booked it? Or did he make unilateral decisions? And he bought a text license without discussing it? It sounds like he's not much of a team player.

3487642l · 12/11/2022 11:17

*taxi license