Hidden photos

[Doingslightlybetterthanjuliaoffmotherland]

Been with DP for 3.5 years. He is divorced, 2 children, same situation with me and we have blended our family and live together, for the last 12 months

Recently he has seemed slightly withdrawn from our relationship - hardly any intimacy. We hardly have sex, cuddles, anything really that we had been like previously. It’s like he makes zero effort

I’m slightly insecure anyway - I’ve been cheated on in past relationships and indeed my ex cheated on me whilst I was pregnant so my trail of thought very quickly led me to ‘is there someone else?’

So - I’m not proud of this - I looked through his phone today for the first time ever. I’m pleased to say I actually found no evidence of any affairs, other women etc. So all good there!

Anyway, I found the ‘hidden photos’ but on his phone which had very racy photo I have ever sent him whilst we’ve been together - which is all good, great to see he saved them! BUT The issue I have here is that I found about 50 photos and videos of women he had been seeing just before he met me - why does he still have them? Does he still look at them??

I do know who some of these women are - they were women I know he removed from his social media, some immediately after he met me and some I know stayed on there longer - I’m 100% certain he has no contact with them - but why still keep all the photos and videos? It just feels very disrespectful and just plain sneaky to be honest

Honestly, he probably doesn't even look at them, just doesn't want to delete them - you know?

And I think of your fine with porn, this isn't much worse/different.... if you know he's not in contact with them?

Personally I wouldn't like this, but if You're the one who snooped and found it, I certainly wouldn't go confronting him and just forget. It makes you feel icky, sure, but 🤷🏼‍♀️

Wank bank.

You’re checking his phone…!
a relationship without trust isn’t a relationship.

You two are over, finished, ended.
As soon as you decided to check his phone, you signed the death warrant on your relationship.

Sorry.

I love this post... it sort of demonstrates an actual ignorance of us men.

Firstly, YABU for going through his phone, total invasion of privacy. Imagine if it were your phone?!

Secondly, it's NOT his wank bank! You lot have some active imaginations. Porn is soon widely available, do you think guys really look at pictures of exes on something the size of a phone?! No!

This is 100% an ego thing. Past conquests and fond memories. This is his past. You may have a diary, penpal letters, a photo album, Facebook feeds... this is his. You're ALL telling me you throw away every picture of every ex? Go through your social media and remove all historical pictures? No, they just stay because its too much faff to delete them. I bet some of you even have dick pics of exes or previously interested parties somewhere on your media files...

Don't tell him, he'll feel extremely violated. Don't do it again. He hasn't cheated from what you can tell so be happy in that knowledge and and learn from this.

Finger of judgement pointing at you!

That must have been some serious digging OP to find a hidden folder of photos on his phone. I'll admit I probably still have a photo of a couple of guys I was seeing somewhere fully undressed. Just never deleted them. I'm pretty chill about this kind of stuff though. Don't mind my OH looking at other women. On another note this is why I never send nudes!

Yeah far better he wants to abused women , rather than consenting ones.

As long as your not upset about it, that's more important.

*if he wants to watch abused women

Just to play devils advocate... is that any different than remembering people you've slept with before for a wank? Not saying it's good or making a judgement on it or whatever but at the end of the day you would never have known this if you hadn't gone snooping. I've done it before with an ex and didn't find any evidence of cheating just shitty messages about my family which then I was left wondering what to do with. If you go into someone's phone you're going to find something just maybe not what you expect and then you either need to admit to it and speak to your partner about it, or you need to live with it and trust that he isn't using them. I have the biggest pile of crap photos on my phone that I never look at what's to say these aren't ancient and he hasn't looked near them? It sounds like trust is a huge issue for you (with good reason due to past experience) but you maybe need to figure out how you can address your communication with him, and address your own insecurities as well. I have been cheated on in the past too and I went for counselling etc at the start of my relationship with dh because I didn't want my insecurity and jealousy to affect something new that could be really good otherwise. Tbh I think it's part of the reason why we're now good at communicating and I've never snooped or felt the need to and he's still friends with a few of his exes who I get on with now as well. If I got to the point where i wanted to snoop because I didn't trust him then I wouldn't be in the relationship any more because its not working.

I honestly feel awful for snooping but it was for the reasons of - he is currently acting totally differently and I have 2 children I need to protect. So I looked simply because in the instance that there was someone else I would be out with my kids and protecting them the best that I can. I’m not proud of the method to do that but please understand.

Im literally devastated after all our chats over exes etc that he would keep photos and videos - his ex wife even featured in the kept photos and videos - and I know that he hates her so why keep these? She cheated on him with a guy at work which was the reason for their divorce. So currently my head is battered and I do understand the feelings towards me snooping through his phone - but please believe I had genuine reasons for doing it and in the 3.5 years I’ve been with him I have honestly never done it before despite any doubt or insecurities I had had before, this time just felt different

I'm amazed this bloke had so many consenting partners sending him photos and videos!

You don't trust him, leave him and protect your children?

No excuse for looking.

Where is the threshold?... he slept in ten minutes later, somethings not right, I need to check his phone!!! He's had a bad week, or even month, I need to check his phone!!!

If you don't want to see things you don't like, don't look on places that are his!

Talk to him, ask him what's up... don't tell him about snooping. And if you're worried about his lack of intimacy, how about jumping on him?! Most people like sex, he'll no doubt be more than happy to comply... it might even bring you closer and snap him out of it because he'll feel wanted and sexualised :)

OP oh so what you looked at his phone. I will tell you a story--- one night my fella woke me up. I was in bed, he had stayed up. He is a wonderful guy and husband, but does struggle sometimes with jealousy and self- esteem. He looked through my phone and found a photos of a guy without a top on, taken at 3am. It was actually the boyfriend of a friend who had been drawing and I took a pic of it, never occurred to me that he was topless tbh. Anyway, I wasn't annoyed with my husband. I understood he is just a person, he struggles with his emotions sometimes but he really does try. This was a lapse. So I explained the photo, told him it wasnt ideal he looked at my phone. He agreed, apologised and that was that. As far as I know he hasnt looked at it since (years ago now). The important thing was instead of leaping to blame and anger, he asked me openly about the photo, confessed how he'd been feeling and why he did what he did. Instead of kicking off I communicated back with him calmly and it was fine.

I don't think losing trust means the end. Everyone has insecurities and reasons for that. You should be able to talk openly with him about it and if he is worth his salt he won't go mad about it, nor will you about the photos.

If it doesnt work out like that, then that is more of a red flag imo.

I’ve tried this - talking to him, jumping on him! I’ve spent today wandering round the house in a very nice tiny dress whilst he has been working from home - absolutely nothing!!!! It’s been like this for weeks - which is why I snooped. Like I say - not at all happy with myself for doing this but needed to know either way. Wasn’t happy about finding the photos but ultimately - something needs to be done with this whole situation

I’ve tried this - talking to him, jumping on him! I’ve spent today wandering round the house in a very nice tiny dress whilst he has been working from home - absolutely nothing!!!! It’s been like this for weeks - which is why I snooped. Like I say - not at all happy with myself for doing this but needed to know either way. Wasn’t happy about finding the photos but ultimately - something needs to be done with this whole situation

He's checked out, sorry.

Then you shouldn't have gone through his phone. You have no one to blame other than yourself.

You've demonstrated you don't trust him, did you even have a conversation with him about lack of intimacy first?

Sigh. Good luck figuring this out.

Drip drip drip

I’ve tried this - talking to him, jumping on him! I’ve spent today wandering round the house in a very nice tiny dress whilst he has been working from home - absolutely nothing!!!! It’s been like this for weeks - which is why I snooped. Like I say - not at all happy with myself for doing this but needed to know either way. Wasn’t happy about finding the photos but ultimately - something needs to be done with this whole situation

Mind you, I WFH, would be tucked off if DH expected me to go shag him during my working day!

Yeah I wouldn't respond if I was WFH, too busy and concentrating.

Don't give up on him, just talk. Seduce him at night and maybe suggest a dinner out?

That’s not respect it’s insecurity. Secure people can maintain a healthy relationship without erasing all trace of past relationships.

don’t worry OP, a knowledgeable man is here to save the day!

I've deleted or removed all amd any over the years.
Out of respect for myself, my exes amd any partner.
Keeping old private photos is creepy

@Regularsizedrudy not at all, I've deleted pics from the past partly out of respect for them. Also because once it's over it should be over and moving forward.
It's not insecure to not want to keep weird mementos

I see you weren't replying to me, I'll shut up 🤣

This is shocking behaviour from you. Your relationship is over - you don’t trust him.

You invaded his privacy, and there is never an excuse to do that. Even if you had found out he had cheated.

Stop trying to justify his behaviour with “but but but”. You are not ready to be in a relationship.

You said you tried talking to him about it. So what did he say when you spoke to him about it?