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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

dh wont discuss baby names

64 replies

ottornot · 11/11/2022 14:09

baby coming next month. at the start i admittedly pestered dh into deciding on a name as i wanted baby to have more of an identity so i could feel more attached to her. decided on a name that i definitely do love but the more time has passed the more i don’t think it’s the name for her - it sounds too similar to her sisters name which i didn’t realise when agreeing it with dh (i have actually posted about this on the baby name thread before as it’s been bothering me for so long).

i’ve since tried to get dh to discuss names again as i’ve said i’ve gone off it and he just point blank won’t respond. just says ‘you pestered me into choosing a name and now i’ve chosen one you don’t like it’ etc etc. which i get. but also she’s going to have this name forever so like… imo maybe i did pester but also i can’t name her something that has literally given me sleepless nights for months.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 12/11/2022 11:28

Surely if all else is equal he's just not that invested in obsessing over baby names as you are; similarly to if you'd found the perfect baby blanket and asked his opinion of it and he'd responded that it was 'nice'. I can understand where you're coming from to some extent but if he's otherwise engaging in other pregnancy related matters and being a considerate partner the whole 'WHAT NAME SHOULD WE USE' discussion is really not that important right now.

Madeyoulook · 12/11/2022 11:35

You can’t call her Ottilie without pronouncing the ‘t’s. It becomes a completely different name! Add to that the similarity between the names, I don’t blame you for wanting to change it.

MrsNowAndAlways · 12/11/2022 11:35

ottornot · 11/11/2022 14:19

yeah have sent him name suggestions etc and he’s happy to discuss middle names for the original name but will not even respond if i mention the first name.

i know it sounds silly but it’s really stressing me out, i’d like a name chosen because i don’t want to decide such a big thing when i’ve just popped a baby out because i’m worried i’ll be all drugged up/hormonal and not thinking straight and choose one i don’t love 😅

You have 6 weeks post birth to settle on a name, she doesn't need to have one the minute she's born. What if you agree on another name, and she just doesn't suit it? Of course have a few you like, but I'd wait until she's here to decide on one otherwise you might end up regretting that choice too.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 12/11/2022 11:56

Just say you're not naming her the name you had settled on as you've gone off it so either he enters a discussion or you will pick one yourself

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 12/12/2022 23:07

Are you certain that he also loved the name for five years as well? Might it just be that he was perfectly happy with it when it was all theoretical, but now that it's all becoming real, he's started to have doubts?

Not the same thing exactly, but when you get people promising to give hundreds of thousands to everybody they know IF they win the lottery, but if they actually do win it, they don't always feel quite the same....

I’m an absolute loss to understand why men think they have any input into this anyway 🙄
When they can grow a baby, they can have an opinion

Do you think the same about women who choose to be SAHMs who think they have any input into the house they buy/rent or how the household budget is spent, if all of it is earned by their husbands? Even when you're on ML - and later, if you work PT (likely because of your baby), is it OK if he says "Well, when you go out to work FT, then you can enjoy the benefits of a higher income" ? Especially when you've already made it very clear to him that it's really your baby and he's just there as a bit of a helper; not an equal parent at all.

Be careful what you wish for: claiming priority rights in all decisions to do with your child after they are born can very soon turn into your responsibility for everything child-based as well. If you're married to a certain kind of man, he will cheerfully make sure that all of it ends up being down to you to do, as you are the primary parent.

Of course, it's completely different in cases of abuse and deadbeat dads who don't want to know and walk out on you; but in a loving, committed marriage/partnership, you're a team - for the nice bits and the considerably less nice bits.

As PP very well said, comparing it to consent to sex, if one of you doesn't want it - be it sex or a name for your joint baby - it doesn't happen.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 12/12/2022 23:09

If this were the other way around and it was the mum who had second thoughts about the name they'd both chosen, I can't imagine there would be many people telling her tough, she's too late now; she should have said something earlier, before it was agreed - before the baby is even born.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 12/12/2022 23:14

Apologies, I think I just confused two current similar threads about baby name disagreements and added my last two posts to the wrong thread!

@MNHQ - Could you kindly delete my last two posts, which I have now copied and pasted into the relevant thread. Thanks!

Blackmetalmama · 23/01/2023 23:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

MakingMarlsAndOtherThings · 23/01/2023 23:46

I’d drop the subject ‘til she’s here. You have six weeks to let her tell you what her name is.

My mum was set on Barbara from the moment she knew I was on the way. I arrived and Dad said no way to Barbara. I didn’t have a name for over a month and my parents didn’t discuss it until they were sat down in front of the registrar and mum looked at dad and said ‘Marie?’

Marie it was.

Nanny0gg · 23/01/2023 23:59

ottornot · 11/11/2022 21:06

so i call elodie either just elodie or el. i’d call ottilie ottie i think - im worried because with my accent i’ve realised i say ottilie like ‘o-illy’ like missing out the t’s and i know i can just work on saying it properly but i feel like i sound weird 😅

Ottilie is a lovely name.

Just learn to pronounce your Ts!

Because O''ie is just horrible! I prefer it not shortened anyway

ThomasinaLivesHere · 26/02/2023 21:32

@ottornot Any update? What name did you decide?

I think you had some harsh replies. I think it’s reasonable to be discussing names before the baby’s born.

whyhere · 27/02/2023 08:53

I think the pronunciation could be an issue - it sounds stressful to try to change your natural way of speaking.

A friend from years ago called her daughters Anna and Emma. No-one could ever remember which was which.....

drpet49 · 27/02/2023 09:21

OP83 · 11/11/2022 14:27

I must confess to sympathising with your husband here.

So many people choose a name and then change their minds once the baby arrives and choose something that they believe to be more 'fitting'.

It sounds like your husband was happy to wait but you badgered him into agreeing to a name that YOU wanted. Now you've decided that the name you pestered him into agreeing to, you no longer want. Instead you want to go through the whole rigmarole again when you may well change your mind again once the baby arrives.

Either way, I hope you find a name (in whatever timescale) that you BOTH love and suits your child. Good luck.

This

GettingStuffed · 27/02/2023 09:31

I had a name selected for my eldest,when he was born I changed it as he didn't suit it

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