To send my abusive ex a letter?

[Gasketcracker]

To cut a long story short, my ex was emotionally, mentally and sexually abusive. I didn't realise/acknowledge/admit to the full extent of the abuse until I had to report him for stalking and harassment after I finally managed to break up with him over a year ago.

The police were investigating him for stalking, harassment, sexual harassment and rape, but I found out yesterday that they are dropping the case due to lack of evidence. I feel sickened, angry, and totally let down.

I want to send him a letter telling him exactly what effect he's had on me, how scared he's made me and my DD feel in our home, and just what I think of him. Is this a terrible idea? I'm not the first person he treated like this, but the police weren't interested in speaking to his other ex as they said it would just show that he's capable of abusive behaviour without proving he'd actually done anything.

I absolutely would not do this. A letter is not going to make him reevaluate his behaviour. Men like this will never see that they are wrong

If he's finally stopped harassing you, I would do absolutely nothing to draw his attention back to you.

I speak as someone who has been through something similar (I don't think to the extent you've suffered). There is nothing I could think of worse then reopening the lines of communication. By all means write the letter from a therapeutic stand point and never send it, but do not communicate with this man ever again.

I'm sorry you've been through this.

Write the letter then throw it away or journal it and keep it out of sight. An abusive arsehole won't care how he made you feel, in fact, they'd probably get off on it.

Please don't do it. The way his brain works is completely different to yours, and all he will see is "a letter - look how important I still am to her, even after all I did!"

He'll totally get off on it. He'll enjoy reading how scared you were. As the PP says, it will encourage him to get in contact again, and he will use the letter as an excuse if anyone asks him about it. He wasn't stalking! He wanted to make amends!

Write the letter and burn it.

I wouldnt do this. He will get his kicks from it and could start up the harassment again. If he's leaving you alone now I'd let it be and hope things stay as they are x

No way.

Do not communicate in any form.

Write it and burn it.

He won't care or change anyway, you're wasting your time.

It's a crazy thought. The police wouldn't look kindly on you opening communication restarting the abuse.

Don't do it OP, never commit anything like this to writing as you'll probably regret it later. If you must, write it down and destroy it - get it off your chest but don't send it to him.

Nope. He could take it to the police and try and say you are the one harassing him. He could claim he just wanted to be left alone and it’s you that’s the problem.

Write it and burn it/rip it up etc if that will help.

But don’t send that letter

Don't do it.

I have been in a similar position and the worse thing you can do is to communicate with him. He won't think he's done anything wrong and the police dropping then matter will only further this belief.

No good will come from it.

Please don’t write to him. For all the reasons PPs have said. But also if (and I really hope he doesn’t) he starts stalking you again and you needed to go back to the police, he could show them the letter as proof you started communicating again. Even though your letter wouldn’t read as encouragement to you it could be seen as looking for contact with him.

i agree, don’t poke the fire.

It would be a terrible idea to send it to him. It sounds like if anything he'd enjoy hearing the pain he's caused you. But I think there is huge benefit to writing it and then ceremoniously ripping it up or burning it. You get it release everything you want to say, get it all on the page and out of your brain, without the repercussions of him reading it.

I know how hard this is@Gasketcracker , I am desperate to write to my ex’s family explaining why I asked him to leave…somehow I NEED them to know what he’s done, as they are currently blaming me. And he has form for it, just like your ex.

But everyone on here said exactly the same as they have to you, don’t stir it, walk away. It sticks in the throat it really does, but the best way to protect you and your DD, me and my DS, is for us to keep walking and build a new life without our XH in it (or as much as child access will allow).

I know why you want to do it, to get it out of you so you’re not carrying it around all the time, because it’s heavy and it hurts, but somehow you mustn’t do it. Take care of yourself and your little one xx

I understand why you want to do it, but it's a terrible idea.

He won't care. It won't have the effect on him you want it to have. It will give him 'proof ' that you are 'crazy'. Proof that could be used to show family, friends or even the police (stalking/harassment).

I agree with several posters that it might me cathartic to write it but then burn it or destroy it though.

People like your ex don't just have an epiphany that they are a colossal shit just because someone sends them a letter. Sorry this happened to you💐

I agree with PPs - please do not send him a letter.

Women's Aid runs a course to help you understand what happened and ultimately recover. I'm doing it now. I would highly recommend it .

It's a terrible idea.
He is not going to care about your feelings. In a magical world, he'd read it, have an epiphany and treat future partners respectfully but in the real world, if he reads it he will use it as a stick to beat you with and possibly use it to ramp up his behaviour since he got away with it once.

Absolutely don't do it. Men like thus will thrive on knowing they're still bothering you, that they scared you, had power over you.

As others have said, he will only get off on it.

I'm sorry.

You want to write a letter because of all the injustice. I think that's understandable.

If the recipient were you, or I, it might have the desired effect. However, the recipient is an abuser. They are not wired like normal people.

Imagine you were writing it in Russian. He can't speak it, or understand it. Would you bother then? That's the level of understanding he has to whatever you say. It will however, give him a green light to respond. Abusively.

You know what he'll hate the most. That he has no effect on you anymore. Don't ever let him know he even crosses your mind.

Xxx

I'm so sorry you've been let down, that must be very difficult.
Personally I feel by doing this you are giving him all the power. I can only see that a man like that would actually take great pleasure in knowing how much he hurt and frightened you rather than show any remorse.

Write the letter.
Then write the response you’d like to receive.
Then burn them both.

I promise you’ll get more closure from that than you will from writing to him.

As the other posters have said, don't do it. The best revenge is a life well lived. Try to move on with your life and live it the best you can. He'll always be an arsehole.

Write a letter. Write a letter telling him that despite everything he has done, you and your daughter are strong. Tell him in the letter that you won't let him continue to affect your life. Say that you are so much happier now that he is no longer in your life. Talk about all the good things that you hope for, for both you and your daughter, despite him.

Use the letter to take another step away from him and what your life was with him in it.

And then don't send it. Burn it

He'll be delighted to hear the effect he's had on you.

Write the letter. Don't send it.

Burn it in a ceremonial way.

Wrote the letter but either keep it safe or throw it away, do not invite contact back from him as this is all it will do if you send it to him op x

Thank you everyone, for making me see sense. You're right, it would just give him power and satisfaction that he's still having an affect on us, and I absolutely don't want to open up lines of communication again.

@TwinsAndTiramisu, that's a brilliant way of explaining it, thank you.

@dizzydizzydizzy, I'll look into the Women's Aid course, thank you. I couldn't bring myself to engage with them when they contacted me following reporting him to the police, it took me so long to accept what he'd done to me. I was just in denial.