To send my abusive ex a letter?

[Gasketcracker]

To cut a long story short, my ex was emotionally, mentally and sexually abusive. I didn't realise/acknowledge/admit to the full extent of the abuse until I had to report him for stalking and harassment after I finally managed to break up with him over a year ago.

The police were investigating him for stalking, harassment, sexual harassment and rape, but I found out yesterday that they are dropping the case due to lack of evidence. I feel sickened, angry, and totally let down.

I want to send him a letter telling him exactly what effect he's had on me, how scared he's made me and my DD feel in our home, and just what I think of him. Is this a terrible idea? I'm not the first person he treated like this, but the police weren't interested in speaking to his other ex as they said it would just show that he's capable of abusive behaviour without proving he'd actually done anything.

Not a good idea, it won't solve anything. He sounds disgusting so probably wouldn't care or if anything would feel satisfied that you are reacting.

Maybe write the letter then burn it? Get all your feelings out on paper then burn it and burn the horrible memories of him.

Do not send the letter, it won't solve anything!

I'm so sorry for all of you who have been through it as well. Bastard abusive men.

I went through very similar. I had counselling after and voiced my need to tell him what effect he'd had on me and ask why? She said something I wrote on s note and keep by my bed. You don't get answers from people like this. Sometimes acceptance comes from accepting the fact, that you won't get those answers from them.
He doesn't care about what he did. If you need to write it, write it for you, don't send it, might just help to put your feelings on paper. I wish you and your DD all the best.

@Gasketcracker that's understandable re Women's Aid. Good Luck!

100% don't send it to him. I was in this position like you and he stalked me for 5 years and threatened literally anyone who spoke with me. I would write a letter and then burn it. Sick men like that will only get a kick out of it because they're aim is to control you and your emotions. If he's not harassing you anymore, don't acknowledge him. My case also got closed and I was very upset and scared but I've had to learn to live my life trying not to fear that asshole and I strong suggest you try and do the same. Get all the help you can from friends and family or therapy etc. Your not alone OP (hugs)

Write the letter and burn it.

This!!^

Really, don’t send a letter to this abuser.

So sorry you didn’t get anywhere with the police. So awful.

Thank you. It's absolutely abhorrent that this happens to so many of us, and the perpetrators get away with it over and over again.

I really appreciate the voices of reason and advice, I really do.

It’s so difficult isn’t it, on the one hand we’re told that abuse thrives on secrecy…and then on the other that the best way to try and end it is not to say anything and just walk away … total headf*.

Yes! Complete and utter headf*ck. People keep asking whether I'm ok, and I'm swinging between anger, fear/upset, and being numb. I'm all over the shop.

It’s small comfort @Gasketcracker but that’s normal for where we find ourselves…and like grief I’m finding it goes in waves, I can manage ok
for a while and then something small completely upends me. I’m just hoping that like grief the gap between waves will gradually get longer. Do you think counselling might help you or is it not the right time?

I don't know to be honest... maybe? I just can't get my head around the fact he's got away with it. It wasn't even sent to the CPS. How can you do those things to a person and just get away with it?

I feel exactly the same about him getting away with it…just incredulous really. I think we just have to trust in karma and remind ourselves on a daily basis that the best thing is we’re away from them now. In my case I also believe that however much in denial he is there must be plenty of times in the early hours when he has to face what he has trashed and lost - a loving wife and child, a beautiful home and, to the outside world at least, the perfect life. I hope that hurts like hell.

I go back and forth on counselling some days I’m ready others I’m not (we’ve been apart just over a year), but one day I’ll pick up the phone I guess.