I just feel like leaving as feel disrespected

[ReallyReallyUpsetMum]

I am sitting here, tired and dejected. I just feel dumb and like leaving my household. Not sure if it is hormonal or I am justified.

I've poured every ounce of my being into my family, my DH and DC. My DH works away a lot, and I have zero help from any family. Take for example the past 2 weeks. My DH has been away and I have had to do everything; I work, I've got an hours commute, walk the dog, take and pick up DC from school as we live rurally, take them to their after school stuff, cook, clean the house and ferry them round at the weekend to their friends and girlfriends.

I'm knackered.

So, the other night my eldest told me to FO when I asked him where he was going and who he was going with.

Last night my other teen didn't speak to me the whole journey home as he was in a mood and told me to turn off the radio and bit my head off twice.

So, last night I refused to make dinner, so they made it themselves and this morning we are leaving in 5 mins for school, except they are not up, because I didn't wake them and make their breakfast.

I'm just tired and had enough. I really love my DC, but right now I feel massively disrespected. Also, it's funny because other people (school, other parents, GP's) think I have lovely DC who do really well at school and have impeccable manners. They do, just not to me. Basically I am just their scivvy who they blame when something is not washed, ironed, when there is "no food", or they want a lift somewhere.

Feeling bad that they are both in bed and we should now be leaving.

You sound exhausted op.

How old are your dc? You say teens so they are old enough to be helping you out with jobs around the house and cooking.

When is your Husband back, does he help when hes home?

If you have older children they need to learn that it's a two way street. They've obviously grown used to you doing everything same I'm guessing that they don't know the toll it's taking on you.

Can you have a family conference and explain how you're feeling? They'll probably be devastated at how you're feeling.

iving rurally can be tough as a kid, when you're reliant on others to have a social life

They only get the benefit of living in a household where mum helps them if they behave politely and respectfully. I’d probably wake them for school but they be doing their own laundry, cooking and I would not be providing lifts to social events until they stopped being arses.

I bet they have phones and could set an alarm. I think you definitely need a break!

You answered your question in the first part of your post. … ‘you do everything ‘ that’s where you are going wrong. You DC are teens, if they don’t muck in you don’t take them to after school clubs or friends and girlfriends they simply don’t go. I would be having a heart to heart. Putting my foot down . Disrespecting you is one thing you shouldn’t have to put up with.
I wish you well as I know the joys of teens.

As for today, if you dont have to be at work I would honestly just leave them, phone them in sick to school. That might be the sharp shock they need when they wake up, then sit them down and explain things need to change and what your expectations are.

The only thing YABU about is not warning them you weren't waking them this morning. But hopefully they'll learn their lesson.

YANBU, what consequences do they get for swearing at you or not getting up for school?

They sound like they’re old enough to make their own breakfastt.

I wouldn’t phone them in sick. They’re truanting.

How are you doing financially? Perhaps a cleaner or something once a week or two to help ease the burden?

As for the kids, I agree with the above. They're teens. They're capable. If they want ironed clothes, teach them to iron. If they want food, give them set times and places and if they're not there, they don't get fed. Same for the school routine. There's no reason why you can't have their clothes ready and leave it at that. If they want to wake up, they have an alarm on their phone. If they want breakfast, they know where the milk, cereal and dishwasher (or sink and sponge is). If they want a lift, the taxi of mum leaves at 8 am exactly.

Personally, I don't think YABU for any of it. They know full well there's school today. They know they have to get up. They should bloody well be getting on with it.
That old saying, 'don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm' sounds appropriate here.
It's time they had a reality check. 💐

Isn't there a bus to take them to school?

As for the weekend ferrying around I wouldn't be doing that if I was getting attitude. Presumably if your eldest told you to fuck off when you asked him where he was going he was getting there under his own steam so he can do that every time.

They need to up their game and help out and I would suggest it starts now.

I'm not surprised you feel that way, I would be livid at being spoken to/treated that way.

If it were me I'd leave them to wake up when they wake up and when they expect a lift I'd point them in the direction of the bus stop.

Yanbu. Sounds like they need to be doing more for themselves.

On one hand teenagers can be arseholes on occasion. And I do think doing everything for them doesn’t usually help. You are exhausting yourself and it’s not helping them. People often don’t realise until they are much older what it takes to run a house and a family. That’s quite normal.

I do think you should have told them you weren’t waking them. If Dp normally got me up on a morning. And just didn’t because he was in a mood, I would be pissy. I think it’s going to cause YOU more stress and fall outs. Or they may not even care, have them day off and be quite open about why with school. Again causing you more stress.

My 18 year old has only been away at uni since September. She is far more appreciative of the work I do (was a single parent) in the house, since she moved out. She was saying just deciding what meal to make and have is annoying. Her and her flat mates eat together so has to suit them all. She then said ‘how have you done it for all of us for all these years. Feel bad for moaning about not liking what you cooked sometimes’. She would cook at home, but only for her. Not for the younger ones as if she was eating alone it was later.

Start handing off things that should be their responsibility on to them. Don’t set them up to fail. But start handing it off.

Who will cave first - you I suspect.

Difficult when you have to ferry them to school.

what reasonable changes can you make? Move to the town?

Is this a joke?

I would wake them now and get them to school late. They should be at school so do school runs.
But explain you won’t be doing runs at other times for social reasons if they are rude and ungrateful. This weekend stay in bed with a book …….. say you are too exhausted by running round after them.
Long term
If you cook for them, they need to do other jobs such as walk the dog.
Try to stay calm when explaining the new set up to them. Emotion won’t help your cause. Comment on how well they behave out of school, and that you should be seeing the same at home.

Well, the youngest got up 2 mins before we were due to leave and I told him he just had to get dressed and go. We made it on time with green lights all the way. My DC have to get the train to school. I don't actually take them all the way to school. I was trying not to give too much info in case I am outing myself.

The eldest is the worst. His dad called up and gave them a bollocking and he came into my room. I thought he was coming in to see if I was alright, but alas no. It was to ask me for a lift somewhere. He knows I am upset. He just doesn't care.

I am off today because I also work weekends on occasion. I am just going to put all their dried washing on their beds to deal with and buy things they can bung in the oven. Next week, after work I have to go to 2 school things and then commute home. I am just sick of running around everywhere. My DH won't be back till mid-next week. He's having a lovely weekend sightseeing and going out. He did massively tell them off, but TBH I was surprised at that, as it is the first time he has ever done it, which is also part of the problem. If I spoke to my mum like that, my dad would have gone mad.

It is not actually the physical aspect of running around. It is the whinging and moaning that totally sucks the life out of me.

You need to talk to your husband and make a plan. He seems to have ducked out of responsibility and that won't have happened overnight.

Are you seeing the benefits of him working away? E.g. is there enough money to pay for help in the house? If not, what's the point? What would happen if you worked away part of the week? Would that even be possible? Did you and your husband discuss it or did he just assume the house and teenagers would magically run themselves in his absence?

What are your career or life aspirations?

I think you should focus on what would make your life better as it sounds like you're surrounded by some pretty selfish people (even if they can turn on the charm when it matters).

I don't see the point of DH ringing up and shouting. Just reinforces that you're not really in charge.

I hope you have a better day, @ReallyReallyUpsetMum
I remember how overwhelming it could all get. x

Your husband sounds like an absolute piss taker to be honest with you.

Tell him to take some time off work and mind the fort while you get away for a week in the sun. Seriously. You need a holiday and a chance to look after yourself for a change.

These situations are often the old 'boiling the frog alive' thing. The frog - ie you - doesn't even have time to see what's happening. Take some time out and figure out how you want to live.

How old are they by the way? Your eldest sounds like it's time for a come to Jesus moment. No more indulgence. You are not his or her slave. Basic courtesy is non-negotiable. Lifts etc? Those are favours. They need earned at the moment.

Why not use this as a catalyst to get them doing their own washing, drying and start cooking food?

If you live rurally with teenagers then being taxi driver etc comes with the territory. That doesnt mean they get to be rude. Can you call a family meeting and insist they let you speak about this and ask if they think its really fair. Ask for everyones input and ask if they can all try and keep an open mind and that you are looking for solutions, fairness and family harmony, as everyones getting older now and everyone needs to rub along better

@ReallyReallyUpsetMum

I am feeling your pain here.

Have two teens a dh that works nights and are long hours,i run a business which is really busy (not complaining)but it takes at least 60 hours a week of my time including launderette runs at 7 am on Sundays etc etc and yet I ask a dc to empty the dishwasher and I get the eye roll but it's ok for me to do lifts.

Got up this morning and the sink is full of dishes even though the dishwashers empty,there's toothpaste all over the bathroom,yet again they've ignored my request not to pile towels in their rooms so there aren't any in the bathroom and they've left their wrappers and rubbish on kitchen sides.

I've just had enough aswel op

Dh has been over tired so gets up late afternoon then stays in the sofa.

I have to keep reminding him to feed dogs,empty bins etc he just doesn't seem to see it all anymore

I have now downed tools from today as I've had enough too

Nomore lifts and I'm spending tomorrow doing business stuff so not available for anyone.

Il do the basic washing drying ironing and plonk it by their doors

Ive really had enough. I have told dh this week how pissed of and fed up I am of it and how he's not realising that we are meant to be a team and he's really not pulling his weight and I'm sick of it so we will see how long it takes them to pull their fingers out.

Either way I'm not spending yet another weekend tied to the house cleaning again.