He was due to earn over double his wage

[Justapipedream]

Dh works in a good company and earns an ok wage, we get by but have no money left over for proper holidays and things like that, especially at the moment, we can just make the bills and food shop, clothes etc but no treats for ourselves etc, I get that’s how it is for lots of people.
He works really hard and was told by his boss that the company could be merging with another company/sort of buying him out (confusing to me) but that basically Dh would have a higher position (more stress, but not hugely, more responsibility etc) and would be on a wage just over double the amount he earns now. This is a huge amount to us and we’ve never earned that amount before or thought that we could. His boss was very keen, said it wasn’t definite but very highly likely, they had meetings etc, put plans in place, Dh told everyone-our parents etc. I kept reiterating that it wasn’t definite yet and not to get out hopes up, but it seemed likely and was all going ahead.
He’s told me tonight that his boss isn’t going ahead as the figures they’ve given don’t suit him, Dh hasn’t told me more as is being defensive about it and is obviously disappointed.
Aibu to feel so so disappointed about it? The main thing I was looking forward to was being able to send Dd to a small, private school (she has autism and us currently in a class of 24) this school is just perfect but obviously costs money. We could’ve paid for this, had a little left over to save in case of emergencies and for the future (we never have savings, only our house to rely on, fairly small ish mortgage left) and maybe had a treat holiday for Dd each year.
It’s really mainly about the school, I’m not bothered for myself really and never buy new clothes etc…I just had a dream of her going there and really thriving.
I can’t make enough money to send her there on the hours I can work.
The boss has said he may be able to give a 200 pound raise next year, which is great, but *May means I’m taking everything with a pinch of salt now and the way things are, that amount will just afford a bit extra food shop or petrol per week.
Aibu to feel really gutted and wish his boss had never said anything and given us such high hopes.

I know how you feel @Justapipedream it happened to my DH twice in his career and he ended up having to work twice the hours to match my salary which was important to him. It's frustrating for both of you but there's nothing you can do about it now apart from maybe have a bit of a grump together about his boss for misleading him.
You never know things might still work out well for your DH in the newly formed company. I hope so.

Thank you 🙏 wish it had never been said tbh as it puts that thought in your head of a different life and now it won’t happen, not being defeatist, just realistic, we’ll never have that..oh well, to be grateful for what we do have of course, but never being taken in by situations like this again.

@NicLondon1 I think he should, but although a hard worker, he’s v laid back and doesn’t push for things unfortunately. This was perfect as it was as though the boss had recognised his worth and was giving it to him without Dh having to push for more money etc..which he never does.

If something seems too good to be true, it usually is. I’ve never heard of anyone being offered a new role in a company where their current salary is doubled. It’s bad business to offer someone a massive pay rise who hasn’t asked for it. DH’s boss was wrong to do this and obviously you’re right to be disappointed but your DH has also been really let down so could do with some sympathy and support as well.

@Summerfun54321 A lot of money being pumped into the company (multi millionaire friend of the boss) and a lot more responsibility for Dh…we were also shocked by the amount but didn’t seem it hugely impossible…but yes, too good to be true, lesson learned,

Awful really the difference in life money makes and the power of it…everything happens for a reason but it could’ve also meant we tried for another dc, we can’t in current situation..whole different paths taken

So sorry OP 🙁I know exactly how you feel! I had an a job offer for my absolute dream job starting this week Monday and on Sunday I got an email from the recruiter saying they changed their minds. I had already told family and friends that I was going there and I'm too embarrassed to say it's been withdrawn as they were so happy gor me. I am still absolutely gutted about it 😩

I hear you OP. DH was heated hunted as succession planning to take over from a senior guy. He did his time, senior guy did take another job, DH goes through all interviews, told he's got the job. They were due to announce the week the first covid lockdowns hit. Eventually he was given the job, but with no pay rise and no top table role. He left a year later, but took a sideways role to just get away from the company. I still feel angry for him and us, it wasn't doubling his pay but it was an increase which would have made such a difference to us. Lesson leant to never count anything until it's in the bag - but it's hard not to !

All sympathy from me. It is a horrible feeling to have had your hopes raised then dashed like that.

I had it done twice to me in the same company (two different bosses). I eventually left that company. Even as I was leaving promises were being made. I took great pleasure in saying no as I no longer trusted them.

Very disappointing OP .Despite nothing being definite, it is natural to start planning , at least mentally what a difference extra money can mean for you . He shouldn't be embarrassed, these things happen. Just say to anyone that asks that the deal fell through or negotiations are ongoing.

Something doesn't add up here. Is there is a market for DHs skills that he would be able to command these salaries elsewhere? He could possibly find a job further afield?. I think he should look for another role and move.

Alternatively he needs to SAY SOMETHING to his boss and stop being so passive and easy to manipulate. It sounds like some kind of restructuring has gone on and your DH is important at the company. He could ask for a raise to recognise all the efforts hes made as the owner looks to transition or merge. Personally I'd know my worth elsewhere and expect I got paid it or go.

It's really easy to end up underpaid if you stay put for years. What would the boss have to pay to recruit am equivalent to DH and would they have in depth company knowledge?

That must be gutting!

Its a bit of a sideways suggestion but have you considered applying for jobs at the private school which you’d like your daughter to go to?

Often part of the package is a significant discount on fees, and you could possibly make full time work without wraparound care by having dd in the classroom with you before/after school whilst you’re doing prep, marking etc.

I'm very cynical with this type of thing. But I was shat on by an employer at a young age so learnt my lesson quickly I think.

A few things to unpick here.

1. don’t count your chickens. You’ve run away with a fantasy life based on hearsay.
2. your DH could earn more elsewhere if there really was talk of doubling his money. He needs to walk away and earn what he is worth.
3. you need to take on some more of the financial burden. Your DH can’t be expected to carry the family on his own.

Yes, it’s disappointing OP but you have based your new life on a pipe dream. Look for new roles for both of you and actually make the plan happen yourself. Anything else really just is a fantasy.

If the market could realistically pay someone with his skills and experience twice what he's on, he should look elsewhere. If that salary isn't available, then I doubt it ever would have been a reality in your DH's potential "new" position.

Chalk this up to experience, of not counting your chickens until they've hatched. And encourage your dh to job hunt!!

My job relates to these kinds of mergers & acquisitions. The situation you're describing isn't an uncommon one.

It sounds like the acquiring company is the one with the actual money, right? Either directly, or they are the ones with the relationship with the third-party investor who was going to fund the acquisition.

I don't know what your DH's company does, but valuations for companies have dropped massively in the last few months. Many sellers are finding they're getting much lower offers than they were expecting when they entered negotiations. This might be why his boss decided to accept a minority stake instead of 100%? And thinks he'll try to sell again in a few years at a better price. (Speculation.)

Question - if your DH has been spending a lot of time cosying up to the other company's boss - is there any opportunity to make a transfer? They sound a bit better funded, and if he's already spent a lot of time there he might have a good relationship he can leverage. (This is the kind of thing you'd put feelers to the other company about, not ask his boss's permission...)

Obviously also goes without saying to be kind and supportive to your husband and absolutely not blame him, it sounds like he's feeling insecure about not being able to provide, but it's completely not his fault! And not yours either. Definitely one of the times when "be kind" (to him and yourself) is actually the right idea.

Unfortunately I think your DH was naive, it’s unrealistic/dishonest of the boss to make any promises at all as he is not the one who will be in charge.

Very often mergers/takeovers result in complete restructuring and termination of staff. If your DH can hold onto his job you’re ahead.

Ah sorry to hear that OP - it is gutting. DP has been through similar 3 times before - not with companies merging, but asked to take on loads more responsibility with a promise of a promotion to come, and it never arrives.

I'd let the dust settle a bit, and then try to encourage him to see this as a proof that he is capable of earning more, and start to look around a bit.

@wildseas Yes that’s been my thought for a year or two, I’m going to send my cv etc and hope it includes a good discount if you have a child there or that the pay may be enough to help towards it 🙏

Thanks everyone, still pissed off at the boss! I understand he has to think of his interests, but due to the situation, I think he could give Dh a little more

Will your DH still be expected to shoulder the extra responsibility that I think you mentioned though? Is it worth it for £200 per month? I think he should voice his discontent one way or another.

I think it’s ok and understandable to be disappointed but not ok to make your husband feel shit about it. So let it go

your wording is weird, disturbing. The we have never earned that much and didn’t know we could morphs into it’s his earnings when disappointed. So when he was getting it you were earning it but when he’s not it’s all on him.

@Leafblowertime No, not weird at all, as I said upthread, we’re a team, have been together nearly 30 years, the majority of that time, before Dd came along, I was the higher earner, it’s always been Our money together in our life, regardless of who earns it. Things have changed in that I’ve had to step back from my career for Dd temporarily and he’s started to earn more, this would have been a good opportunity for Us yes, the same if I was the one being offered the pay rise too, we’d be over the moon, wherever it comes from.

@TheFarawayNearby I’m assuming his role stays the same as now…? It would be c cheeky to up his responsibility to that extent but only give 200 extra, definitely not worth the extra work

Oh well, it all happens for a reason perhaps, now I just need to get a job at tne dream school for Dd 🙏

You’ve missed my point, you wrote “we “are earning this. Then when you moved to him staying on his current wage you said he is earning it, apparently you were only earning the doubled Salary