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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends and Loneliness

44 replies

KimblesL · 10/11/2022 22:18

Good evening ladies,

I have been active in Mumsnet for a good 6 years now. I'm not a mum, but I find these threads rather useful and relatable.
My discussion is this; how do you cope with loneliness and not many friends? I have a loving other half who is great, but he doesn't fulfil my need for friendship. We moved away to be in between where we both have family (only half an hour each way) and it stated out great. But the past year or so my mental health has taken a turn for it's worst and as I struggle to openly discuss my emotions, it gradually worsened.
Throughout my life I have struggled to keep lasting friendships apart from two good friends and some have been no fault of my own, others have been. But I feel people are very shitty and self absorbed and as you get older you realise this. I have days when I want to delete all social media because I feel it's detrimental to one's health and makes you paranoid! I see people I know having a good time out with loads of groups of friends and I spend most of my time at work or at home and very rarely get invited out and if I do it's only ever social events. I'm constantly paranoid that they do not like me and I annoy people. The funny thing is, when I was younger I was outgoing, funny and a likeable person. But I've become a shell of who that once used to be. Does anyone else ever feel as though no one likes them, everyone's out making plans and having fun and you accept you just won't be apart of that? It's affecting my sleep, my thinking, everything. I had such a bad week last week I couldn't even go to work, I felt exhausted, worthless, drained, crying every two seconds and just wanted to crawl up into a ball and disappear. I struggle to hold conversations and constantly worry about what I say!
Is this common to feel this way about being technically 'friendless' and 'hated'?

OP posts:
00kitty · 10/11/2022 22:25

What are your hobbies op? Could you find a local group for social contact around the hobby?
Do you do much outside of work with your other half?
It sounds like you may have depression? It may be worth having a chat with your GP and trying to get some support from the MH team?
im sure most find friendships dwindle with age, I’m not friends with half the people I was with in my twenties, I guess more a case of growing apart and distance too. Then it also becomes harder to make new friends as we get older as we tend not to be so social as we were when we were younger and more active in activities outside of work too.
Do you exercise- this might make you feel better whether you do it alone at home, do couch to 5k or join a gym/classes. It releases happy endorphins. I currently do no exercise as life just seems too crazy to fit in any more than dog walking but when I do I feel 100% better for it
🌷🌷

junebirthdaygirl · 10/11/2022 22:27

It might be a good idea to block social media for a while to give yourself a break. I have no social media and therefore have no idea what people do in their spare time so am not affected as l couldn't care less. But one thing l have learn is no one has a perfect life and l am sure there would be a lot envious of you and your supportive partner. Remember you don't need loads of friends..just a few. And friends will annoy you at times but if you enjoy their company most of the time l would be very slow to discard them.
I always say this but exercise is a great lifter of mood so is there any exercise group you could join where you would meet new people but focus on the exercise so you are not under pressure to
" make friends"

junebirthdaygirl · 10/11/2022 22:28

I see we both had the exercise idea. Definitely worth pursuing.

Kite22 · 10/11/2022 22:32

But I feel people are very shitty and self absorbed and as you get older you realise this

I suspect, if this is your starting point, then it will come across to people you interact with.
I don't find this at all. I am "older" on MN. I find people, overwhelmingly to be nice.

I have days when I want to delete all social media because I feel it's detrimental to one's health and makes you paranoid!

Social media per se doesn't make you paranoid, but if you are struggling with your mental health, as it sounds like you are from this post, then delete your social media accounts if they are making you unhappy.

I had such a bad week last week I couldn't even go to work, I felt exhausted, worthless, drained, crying every two seconds and just wanted to crawl up into a ball and disappear. I struggle to hold conversations and constantly worry about what I say!

Clearly you are not well. Please go and tell your GP this.

WednesdaysChild11 · 10/11/2022 22:36

"I'm not a mum" maybe you should be???

Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed/everything happens for a reason etc.... x

Original poster
KimblesL · 12/11/2022 21:47

Thank you for your kind messages everyone. Had a great week and suddenly had another relapse tonight as seeing 'friends' of mine all out except me. No invitation. Just so fed up! X

OP posts:
WednesdaysChild11 · 12/11/2022 22:06

Me too 😢

BHRK · 12/11/2022 22:09

Sounds like you feel very anxious! Probably worth a visit to your GP

ABJ100 · 12/11/2022 22:10

You moved away, could it be that? Are you close distance wise to be included?

IncessantNameChanger · 12/11/2022 22:11

I have felt like this since covid

Readaboutyourself · 12/11/2022 22:14

It might be you’re displaying this to others & it’s simply not true. Most people are wonderful.

But I feel people are very shitty and self absorbed

Hamsterwheel22 · 12/11/2022 22:19

You aren't alone feeling like this. No solutions I have found as yet. Posters suggesting doctors are trying to help but really u want friends. Not clear where your partner features? Although even with a loving partner it is still ideal to have friends and feel lonely without that piece of the jigsaw.

Cameleongirl · 12/11/2022 22:20

I'd strongly advise you to block social media for a while. Also, remember that most people only post about the good times, they may be struggling in other areas their lives, but they won't share them on SM.

I agree with PP's that you might want to see your GP as you do sound down. Exercise will also make you feel better and lift your mood.

Cameleongirl · 12/11/2022 22:24

And consider organizing a few nights out yourself. Maybe to see a film, a couple of drinks, with one friend or a small group. If no one's available, don't take it personally, try again another time.

Divilment · 12/11/2022 22:31

KimblesL · 12/11/2022 21:47

Thank you for your kind messages everyone. Had a great week and suddenly had another relapse tonight as seeing 'friends' of mine all out except me. No invitation. Just so fed up! X

But do you invite these people to do things, suggest outings, or have them over for drinks or dinner? I’ve moved around a lot internationally, and I find I need to be very proactive with making friends. (And admittedly, some places were easier than others.)

Though from your post, you’re struggling with depression and anxiety, which is going to impact how you see everything. I think you need to work on that first. See your GP. Have you tried therapy? It might help you start to unpack some of your attitudes towards friendships, and your idea that people are ‘shitty and self-absorbed’.

Original poster
KimblesL · 12/11/2022 22:47

Hi Divilment. Thanks for responding!

We used to all make the effort and join in etc but I never put all my eggs in one basket as I never fully trust people.

4 of us went on holiday to Marbella in august and I felt entirely left out the whole trip. I would talk and then be talked over or ignored, so I would repeat what I said louder until someone responded to me. I eventually had a meltdown one night drunk, walked off from where we were sat, they followed and had a go at me for walking off and I explained I felt left out the entire holiday and was very tearful. They know I'm usually a very independent person who doesn't share much of my emotions anyway.

They all didn't really know what to do with what I said and they all started arguing with me, one called me a brat and said I shouldn't make it all about me as it's their holiday too and the other two just stood there silent.
That's the first time I have ever opened up in two years of friendship. Never once had I made anything about me, it was always very much me comforting them and as they are more open and emotional.
I said my piece and walked off on my own and eventually got a cab back to the apartment.
They stayed out till 5am or so and when they came back none of them spoke to me and the next day they acted as if nothing had happened and never once asked me if I was ok. Ever since then, I haven't reached out or spoke to them much.

I felt incredibly neglected, bearing in mind I had always been there for them if they needed me. I know I lashed out but I had been feeling that way for a good few months and I just lost it. They weren't to know I was feeling that way but it's the fact they never once asked 'are you ok?'

so I've distanced myself and I do try to make effort in the chat when spoken too. But recently, I had a surprise birthday meal arranged by my other half and one of the girls made it, the others didn't. It was all paid for by my family and as soon as we got to the pub, that one friend that came, immediately walked off and met up with one of the other girls, who was also part of that group and left the bar. That made me feel incredibly low.

Ive always been a very private and self sufficient person but recently, it's just getting on top of me. I'm not sure if it's me or the people I choose to have in my life. X

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 12/11/2022 22:56

It sounds like a toxic "friendship" group, I'd ditch them and find some nicer friends. Flowers

I've had to do this once or twice in my life (I'm 48) and it boils down to how you want to be treated by people - if you don't like the way they're treating you, walk away.

Ontobetterthings · 12/11/2022 22:57

Sounds like you are feeling low. It's a good idea to have a social media detox

Freespirit42 · 12/11/2022 22:58

They don’t sound like your friends as I have always done stuff and reached out to people then I found I always had to chase. Well I don’t chase now and I don’t have many friends. I sometimes feel lonely but at least you have a partner some of us are single. I guess that won’t make you feel better but sometimes it’s good trying to think of the positives. I deactivated my Facebook etc as it’s fake folks put what they think people want to see making it out how this is great etc but the truth is many times it isn’t. Rob becket says that in parenting hell podcast and book that folks put what a great holiday when they prob been exhausted looking after kids etc . So it’s a charade anyway if you ever wanna chat I would chat!

LillyK · 12/11/2022 23:20

Ontobetterthings · 12/11/2022 22:57

Sounds like you are feeling low. It's a good idea to have a social media detox

Yes, I think something is most definitely wrong with me. I've had down days like any normal human being - but this 'down' day has been constant for the past 6 months and it's gradually getting worse. I've spoken with time to talk and they can't seem to help me either!

LillyK · 12/11/2022 23:22

Thank you everyone. So lovely to know I'm not the only one who feels they are losing their minds! At one point, I genuinely thought I was going crazy! I don't know if it's me or them or a bit of both, if happily take some of the blame but not for all off it. I just feel the world is full of crappy people and from reading many forums on mumsnet - it appears there is. X

LillyK · 12/11/2022 23:24

ABJ100 · 12/11/2022 22:10

You moved away, could it be that? Are you close distance wise to be included?

Yes, only half an hour each way. Still close enough to see my good friend but far enough away to almost feel in the middle of no where

Coffeepot72 · 13/11/2022 08:57

I read some great advice on a different thread: if you want to make friends, go to absolutely everything, don’t try to make friends, but chat pleasantly with everyone, so you give yourself the best possible chance of making new connections

MRex · 13/11/2022 09:22

KimblesL · 12/11/2022 21:47

Thank you for your kind messages everyone. Had a great week and suddenly had another relapse tonight as seeing 'friends' of mine all out except me. No invitation. Just so fed up! X

How many invitations to a night out did you send? If you want nights out then it will help you if you step up a bit to organise. There are some people who come out on things I suggest but never reciprocate ideas and invitations; that's ok for very close friends but less close friends will gradually be left out. Just worth considering if you are pulling your weight in these situations or not.

MRex · 13/11/2022 09:26

KimblesL · 12/11/2022 22:47

Hi Divilment. Thanks for responding!

We used to all make the effort and join in etc but I never put all my eggs in one basket as I never fully trust people.

4 of us went on holiday to Marbella in august and I felt entirely left out the whole trip. I would talk and then be talked over or ignored, so I would repeat what I said louder until someone responded to me. I eventually had a meltdown one night drunk, walked off from where we were sat, they followed and had a go at me for walking off and I explained I felt left out the entire holiday and was very tearful. They know I'm usually a very independent person who doesn't share much of my emotions anyway.

They all didn't really know what to do with what I said and they all started arguing with me, one called me a brat and said I shouldn't make it all about me as it's their holiday too and the other two just stood there silent.
That's the first time I have ever opened up in two years of friendship. Never once had I made anything about me, it was always very much me comforting them and as they are more open and emotional.
I said my piece and walked off on my own and eventually got a cab back to the apartment.
They stayed out till 5am or so and when they came back none of them spoke to me and the next day they acted as if nothing had happened and never once asked me if I was ok. Ever since then, I haven't reached out or spoke to them much.

I felt incredibly neglected, bearing in mind I had always been there for them if they needed me. I know I lashed out but I had been feeling that way for a good few months and I just lost it. They weren't to know I was feeling that way but it's the fact they never once asked 'are you ok?'

so I've distanced myself and I do try to make effort in the chat when spoken too. But recently, I had a surprise birthday meal arranged by my other half and one of the girls made it, the others didn't. It was all paid for by my family and as soon as we got to the pub, that one friend that came, immediately walked off and met up with one of the other girls, who was also part of that group and left the bar. That made me feel incredibly low.

Ive always been a very private and self sufficient person but recently, it's just getting on top of me. I'm not sure if it's me or the people I choose to have in my life. X

This is just really messy, and may not be the view of your friends about what happened. Being invited on a holiday for 4 also doesn't sound like you're left out as you claim. It's possible that these are particularly selfish people, it's possible that you were wildly over-reacting. If you keep getting into the same problem with different groups of friends, then the problem is you not them. Have you tried a calm conversation with one of them since? That might help you to see better what is going on.