Friends and Loneliness

[KimblesL]

Good evening ladies,

I have been active in Mumsnet for a good 6 years now. I'm not a mum, but I find these threads rather useful and relatable.
My discussion is this; how do you cope with loneliness and not many friends? I have a loving other half who is great, but he doesn't fulfil my need for friendship. We moved away to be in between where we both have family (only half an hour each way) and it stated out great. But the past year or so my mental health has taken a turn for it's worst and as I struggle to openly discuss my emotions, it gradually worsened.
Throughout my life I have struggled to keep lasting friendships apart from two good friends and some have been no fault of my own, others have been. But I feel people are very shitty and self absorbed and as you get older you realise this. I have days when I want to delete all social media because I feel it's detrimental to one's health and makes you paranoid! I see people I know having a good time out with loads of groups of friends and I spend most of my time at work or at home and very rarely get invited out and if I do it's only ever social events. I'm constantly paranoid that they do not like me and I annoy people. The funny thing is, when I was younger I was outgoing, funny and a likeable person. But I've become a shell of who that once used to be. Does anyone else ever feel as though no one likes them, everyone's out making plans and having fun and you accept you just won't be apart of that? It's affecting my sleep, my thinking, everything. I had such a bad week last week I couldn't even go to work, I felt exhausted, worthless, drained, crying every two seconds and just wanted to crawl up into a ball and disappear. I struggle to hold conversations and constantly worry about what I say!
Is this common to feel this way about being technically 'friendless' and 'hated'?

I've read this a few times and still have no idea what you mean?

Is it that having no children means you deserve to be lonely, or that lonely people should bring a whole new human into the world just for the company?

i often think that Mums have more friends because they meet other Mums at baby groups, school events, parties etc?

A quick read of Mn will show that this really isn’t the case — it’s overwhelmingly populated by mothers, but features endless threads on friendlessness, loneliness, perceived exclusions, the supposed horrors of the school run ‘clique’.

I just feel the world is full of crappy people and from reading many forums on mumsnet - it appears there is.

Well, no. The nature of a forum is that people post when they have a problem.
the hundreds of thousands of people in good relationships - be that with their partner, their friendship groups or their family members - just get on with life and don't feel they need to post "We had another nice day today" / "Everything fine here" / Another week without any arguments with my dp" / I've just met up with my friends and we had a nice time"

This is just really messy, and may not be the view of your friends about what happened. Being invited on a holiday for 4 also doesn't sound like you're left out as you claim. It's possible that these are particularly selfish people, it's possible that you were wildly over-reacting. If you keep getting into the same problem with different groups of friends, then the problem is you not them. Have you tried a calm conversation with one of them since? That might help you to see better what is going on.

I'm inclined to agree with this.
I would be very interested to hear the other side of the holiday story from the pov of the other 3 there.

Presuming that you are still the same poster, posting under a different name, you have said lots of things like "I'm a very private person" and (I can't scroll back now to see them all, but phrases like you don't trust people - that all comes across in your interactions with people.

I had such a bad week last week I couldn't even go to work, I felt exhausted, worthless, drained, crying every two seconds and just wanted to crawl up into a ball and disappear. I struggle to hold conversations and constantly worry about what I say!

However, I reiterate what I said in my first reply. This is not in any way a "common way to feel". You really do not sound well and need to acknowledge that and work out a way to get help.

It could be that you were being over-sensitive on that holiday, or that these people just aren't really friends, but it doesn't really matter. If it's not working for you having these people as your friends and social life, you can't change how they act, but you can make changes for yourself.

Take up a new hobby, try new things and get out and meet people in a low pressure environment. It might take a few attempts to find the right place for you, but you will find yourself making friends and doing things you want to do. There are loads of fun, entertaining and lovely people out there if you look hard enough and avoid the odd arsehole on the way.

I also agree with PPs about seeking help for how you're feeling too.

@WednesdaysChild11 I think it's a really bad idea to post something like that on a thread like this, given that we have no idea of the OP's situation or why she doesn't have children. Not everyone has a choice.

Well if it makes you feel
Any better I feel exactly the same and you could be me!
You're not alone in these feelings xxx

You're not alone.
I don't know what to suggest I'm following this thread as it's helping me too.
Things that help me already are exercise, trying to not dwell on "others" more often than not people only showcase their best versions of themselves. I deleted Facebook years ago.
I focus on hobbies and try to go easy on myself.
I am a believer that, in time, things will come right when you aren't looking for friends etc.
I used to feel like you and one day I just thought fuck this, I need to change my outlook otherwise I'm going to sink.

OP have you tried joining a local group such as NWR?
I moved counties and joined up with a local group to meet people and through it, discovered new friendships- give it a go!

"Comparison is the theft of joy" - which is why it's sometimes good to avoid FB

But I feel people are very shitty and self absorbed and as you get older you realise this

If this is how you think about people, it will be obvious to them. Also your holiday story puts you in a bad light way more than your friends.

I think you should talk to a mental health professional

@Cameleongirl said something that resonated with me about not keeping toxic friends. I did the same, they were so mean and I put up with it longer than I should have. Older and wiser now.

I think because I have children my time is limited so I know that once DCs are older, I will be out there going to hobby groups. I like to get out my comfort zone and I do think you have to get out there.

I work for myself and I know that's contributing to the lonely feeling. I don't dwell on it however and I always think you must never feel sorry for yourself (no saying you do OP 🙂).

Be the change you want to see. I try to live by that. So I'm also making a huge effort to retrain and see what that leads to. I think you have to be brave and try new things!

@CaptainThe95thRifles I know. I was just trying to help. Because I am sort of thinking along them lines...and maybe my destiny is to be a mum and take care of my own mum and family because I aren't getting ahead anywhere else (friendships/career). So I'm thinking maybe it's because I am meant to be doing something else and I thought it might help the OP. Of course not everyone can have children and I hope I haven't offended if that's the case. Although there is always fostering/adoption too.

@KimblesL I think this bit is the key:

I'm usually a very independent person who doesn't share much of my emotions anyway.

Have you heard of avoidant attachment? Worth a google.

Also consider the Jungian approach to loneliness:

“Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.”

Inside you are feelings and needs that are not being expressed either to yourself or others. How many people you have around you and what activities/groups you get involved in and whether you’re a mother or not is irrelevant in a way. The problem is that you’re suppressing parts of yourself - within yourself - so when you meet people they likely can’t get a sense of you and what you want, so most will drift away.

I think the way through is threefold:

1. become more self-aware, more familiar with your feelings and needs. This is where counselling can really help, because this likely stems back to childhood and how your parents responded to you and how much they taught you to recognise feelings within yourself. A counsellor can help you identify your feelings, needs, wants, desires and verbalise them.
2. Work on your communication with others. Figure out what it is you want from people, and then work on verbalising that clearly to them.
3. Find better people! Many, many people are simply unable to be emotionally aware and respond to you in a compassionate way. Many will hear your needs and feel scared of them and won’t know how to meet them or won’t have time/space. Counselling can help with this too, because it will give you an experience of someone who is available for you and able to hear and meet your needs, so you learn better what to look for in people and which people to let go. The more you practice, the quicker you become at spotting flags emotionally unavailable people throw out. And then when you go to groups/activities you give yourself a higher chance of finding good people.

The more you acknowledge your needs and get them met, the less ‘needy’ you will seem. You’ll learn more self-resilience, which is very different to defensive independence.

Op, I completely understand where you are coming from. The posts on social media are there to make their lives look fun and exciting. I went out with a group of friends the other night, others put pictures of us on social media having a great time, when in reality I just wanted to go home the whole time as it was boring.

I used to have lots of friends, now I have 2 good friends and a few others I have a chat with, meet up with every now and again.

I am now able to enjoy my own company a lot more now I’m older and find things to fill my time.

Its the classic fear of missing out, but in most probability, you’re not.

Exactly, @Interviewnamechange . I jokingly mentioned to someone that I felt so boring in comparison to her as her posts show her having such an exciting time travelling and having all sorts of fun.

She said that she only posts the fun stuff, there’s plenty of boring things happening too, but she doesn’t bother sharing those- work and dealing with her grumpy teenagers isn’t interesting to anyone.😂

I know exactly how you feel. I have one really good friend. But he's very busy with work all the time. And It feels like the rest are acquaintances rather than friends. It doesn't help that I have very niche I treats that no one I know shares.

Thank you for the lovely messages. Reading the post reminds me of how bad I was feeling the other day and I'm petrified thinking or reading about it will make me relapse. Feeling much better today but still had a few terrible thoughts. Have a lovely week everyone x