To go on holiday with MIL or not?

[Hol932]

Hi,

I have a bit of a dilemma and feel I am too easily influenced by my own mum I must say, so looking for some partial advice.

Been married to DH for 5 years, we’ve had plenty of holidays and always said we want to take our parents away and make memories with them. I do like MIL, but she can annoy me sometimes but we’ve never argued etc.

We are having our first child next year and planned to do a 5 day trip possibly when baby is 5-8 months, somewhere in Europe.

I spoke to my mum and she said we should have our first holiday with our child alone as a family of 3 and make the most of it whilst we’re young etc. She also wasn’t too keen to go on holiday with MIL (they’ve never had any issues, I guess they’re not close). She then mentioned that she couldn’t imagine my brother saying he wants to go on holiday with her etc.

So yes, initially I did want to go on holiday with all my family and MIL but now thinking should our first holiday with DC be alone? I don’t think I would want to go on holiday with just us and MIL either tbh, but think I could persuade my parents to come for a few days too if we decided.

We are both in our early 30s. So just wanted some opinions, do you think your first holiday with DC should be alone? And do people do family holidays in their early 30s or should we enjoy being youngish and have our own holidays?

YABU- Do the family holiday/go with MIL
YANBU- Enjoy being young/ have your first holiday with DC alone as a couple

I don’t think anything is unreasonable, it’s just down to personal preference. Personally id want it alone with DH & DC as I wouldn’t want MIL thinking she was a “main character” in our life

The time you’re thinking of going is the easiest time to travel. We took DD to Florida when she was 5mos old and it was a piece of piss. At that age they sleep on the plane, they wear what you tell them to, they sit reasonably contentedly in the pram or sling when out seeing the sights and enjoy being on your lap at meals, and won’t be fussy about food so long as their regular milk of choice is available. You can even stay out at night (within reason) past their bedtime if you bring a decent pram where they can comfortably sleep.

Unless you’re gagging for a few late nights or meals out just you and DP I’d keep it just the three of you. We had MIL come on holiday with us this summer as we had a wedding to go to one day and she kindly babysat now 3yo DD. I normally get on ok with her but it’s a long time to be with anyone, even with seperate rooms like we had. She was doing my bap in by day 3 to be honest, which wasn’t fair on her either.

I've been on holiday with my DD and SIL numerous times and my DS and DIL once (so far!) - each time at their request and have had the best time. They've always insisted they don't expect me to do any childcare, babysitting etc but I enjoy letting them have some time to themselves. I'd go for it.

Whatever works for you, but you can't expect your mum and brother to want to go on holiday with your MIL. Go with just your mum, just your MIL, or just the three of you.

Okay getting a bit of a consensus that you’re all agreeing with my mum lol.

Anyone have any ideas how I should let DH know that we should do on holiday alone? He keeps suggesting a family holiday.
I was going to suggest saying that my parents aren’t keen, his sister isn’t keen so it would just be us and MIL which isn’t really a family holiday and it would be special having our first alone? Also we could do the family holiday when everyone is ready and enjoy being a young family first?

@TheCraicDealer yes this is why I was thinking it would be a good time as they can’t walk and hopefully just need milk haha. Don’t really plan on wanting to be with DH alone, DC isn’t even here yet but we’re very happy to spend all our time with DC on holiday.

@user1474315215 that sounds lovely. I don’t think I’d say I never want to go on holiday with MIL but maybe our first with DC may be special being alone first.

I may suggest a weekend break somewhere with MIL instead as a compromise?

@Aquamarine1029 thanks, yes I thought a family holiday would be nice, but you’re right I shouldn’t force my family.

I loved holidaying with my parents and in laws. Lots of fun was had my by babies and the doting adults, as long as she respects your boundaries and doesn’t “take over” you might really enjoy it. I don’t get the fuss with the first holiday, but each to their own on that. Do whatever works for you.

I think your mum is wrong (and a bit of a stirrer) to tell you who to go on holiday with when you have your own thoughts on it.

She’s not wrong not to want to go with MiL. I would be surprised in my DM wanted to go on holiday with my MiL, though they always get on when they’re at parties etc. It wouldn’t occur to me to try and arrange a holiday with both of them at the same time.

If you like the idea of taking your DC on holiday with older generations, then go for it. Ask them what they would like and come to a mutually suitable arrangement. If you go on holiday quite a lot it won’t matter if your first holiday with just the 3 of you is your first or third, but I would wait until the baby is here and you know how you feel about it all before deciding.

@NumberTheory You are right about my mum and this is why I posted on here but half the comments agree with her lol.

I’ve tried to think for myself and realised that I would have a liked a full family holiday- my family and in laws but never thought about just MIL. I thought my parents would be open to a joint holiday but they’re not. And after thinking I don’t think I’d be too thrilled with holiday with just MIL.

I mentioned this all to DH because I can’t keep hold of these things 🙈 we tell each other everything. He basically just said we’ll see when the time comes but if I want our first holiday alone then fine. I think after our first holiday, we could do one holiday with MIL and our second one with just my mum. Think that’s reasonable.

Wait till the baby's here. You may find you get on less well with MIL when she's a grandparent to your child. Alternatively (hopefully) she may be a fantastic support and you will be glad to have her around. 5 months is potentially quite young to leave the baby with her. (Or maybe fine totally depends on how things go) but you may benefit more from a shared holiday once the baby's a bit older and you can take better advantage of some babysitting

I think even if me and MIL didn’t get on as well after baby, I would feel bad and controlling that DH wants to take his mum on holiday and I’m refusing?

None of the options are unreasonable if all the people involved want to be involved, but I think you are over thinking this.

Wait until the baby has been here a while - see who is interested, then.

I think involving too many different adults makes it too stressful - everyone compromising, or "being polite" not to make a fuss, and no-one really ending up enjoying it.
I don't think you can "force" the kind of relationship where you can expect your parents and dh's parents to be close enough to want to spend their holidays together. There's lots of people I get on with, but I wouldn't necessarily want to go on holiday together.
My parents and my in-laws got on well enough when they met (wedding, christenings, dc's birthdays) but that is as far as the relationship goes. there is a HUGE leap between that and spending nearly a week away together.

So, whereas YANBU as such, I think there are probably not a lot of people who would be too enthusiastic for the idea.

I don't think you can "force" the kind of relationship where you can expect your parents and dh's parents to be close enough to want to spend their holidays together. There's lots of people I get on with, but I wouldn't necessarily want to go on holiday together.
I agree with @Kite22 on this.
I cant imagine my parents and my MIL to go even on a day away together. However I can imagine my DN going on holiday with parents and in-laws so different people just have different relationships.
in your case I would go on holiday alone, just 3 of you, maybe even twice and only then on holiday with extended family. I wouldn’t want to set up a precedent that you’d have someone with you all the time. I would expect my holidays to be just with my DH and DC as a rule and occasionally we might do something with other relatives.
It’s very difficult to change the pattern once it’s established.

@Kite22 @Arenanewbie thanks both, yes I think I’ve seen my friends who go on holiday with their families together and look like they have a great time. But guess thats not the same for everyone and I won’t force my parents.
And regarding the pattern, that’s what my mum said, she thinks if she go with MIL once she will always want to come which is a no. I think that scared me a little.

Babies are quite easy on holiday because you just lug them round with you so do the first holiday alone.

When they’re a bit older if you want a family holiday go for it and you might get a night or two of babysitting.

I love my kids (young adults) but I can't imagine anything worse than having to go on holidays with, say, my daughter and her in laws. To be honest, I'd just say no (which is what your mum is politely trying to do).

Just have a family holiday with yourself and your dh and child. you don't need to move as a pack. Invite all the family - both sides - over for dinner some time.

@Pallisers thanks, I will leave my mum alone about it, you are right.

‘Move as a pack’ 🤣 I guess I could suggest to DH other activities/day trips we could do with MIL to make memories instead. The other issue is MIL expects us to pay for everything (when she has enough money) and that gets awkward so a whole holiday may get expensive.

No wonder she wants to go if you're paying for it. Put your foot down, you're allowed to go away with your own baby.
Weekend break in UK with MIL if she insists. Maybe a cottage where often two bedrooms aren't that much pricier than one.

@rookiemere it really annoys me, it’s the reason it’s put me off doing so many things wihh the her as she just expects her son to pay as it’s the son thing to do. He already spent about 10K renovating the house for her (before we were married but still together and had a future to think about). I’m happy to help out financially if she needed it but she’s a bit of reckless spender as it is. Haven’t really brought this up and guess it’s another thread in itself 😂.

my parents would never expect so much of me financially.

I think a weekend break if DH really insists is what I’ll stick with/day trips. He can’t expect me to be happy to go on a holiday with MIL with just us and her.

I’d definitely holiday as a family and then do a weekend with mil somewhere in the U.K.

don’t become my sil who despite being married, owning a house and having two children apparently can’t possible holiday without her parents or his ever. Even a caravan holiday has to involve a set of grandparents.

The other issue is MIL expects us to pay for everything (when she has enough money)

Well, that makes it even more important that you don't get into "habit" of her expecting to join you every time you go away.

@Kite22 yes for sure. I have discussed it with DH now and our first holiday with DC will be just us + any future hols and possibly a weekend UK break with MIL if he really wants (but he doesn’t really organise anything, it’s usually me so doubt this). If he’s super keen in the future and wants her to come to ‘make memories’ before she gets too old etc I think I’ll compromise with one holiday abroad, just so he doesn’t resent me. It would only be a few days. But I’ll make it clear it is just one holiday and we can make memories in other ways.

this thread has been a big stress reliever so thank you everyone

Go on your own, just the three of you. There will be opportunities in the future for holidays with grandparents, this will be your first with your child and you will relax more without anyone else being there. I hope you enjoy yourself but don't book anything yet, wait and see how you feel after having your baby.

Congratulations by the way and I hope all goes well for the rest of your pregnancy and the birth.

I also think your mum is stirring. Also a new baby is such a major focus that I’d definitely wait till both she and Mil feel secure enough in their relationships with your dc before putting them in a situation where they have to ‘share’!!