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Original poster

Which is more damaging

27 replies

SpinningFloppa · 10/11/2022 20:27

aibu to ask what is more damaging for children? an absent father or a father that dips in and out and goes for a year or more without seeing their children? I’ve heard mixed things about which is more damaging but it seems to change to suit the situation. Obviously both are bad but I’ve heard one is significantly worse than the other (also not talking about abusive fathers so don’t comment about abusive fathers as everyone can agree an abusive father is more damaging than an absent one)

(reposting as didn’t get much responses on another board)

OP posts:
Rowen32 · 10/11/2022 20:56

Well I would argue that a father who dips in and out is abusive, as is an absent one so really they're both bad...

BecauseICan22 · 10/11/2022 20:58

The latter.

I wish my ex-husband had died in a car accident just so I could let my children grieve him.

He has caused them a lot of emotional harm by dipping in and out or their life and it has taken an herculean effort on my part to continue to try to raise confident young girls with a strong self esteem. Thankfully I'm getting there but given a choice, unless the father is invested in the wellbeing of his children and is stable, consistent and nurturing in his interactions with them, they are better off without him.

Sorry you're dealing with this.

DrWhitWho · 10/11/2022 20:58

An absent father will long term be worse in most cases than a father that dips in and out.

Choconut · 10/11/2022 21:01

With an absent father a child might wonder if they are somehow to blame or that they were not good enough. With one that dips in and out there's a constant uncertainty never knowing when they will see them again and wondering why they keep disappearing or not bothering.

Both are just shitty on the child and mean the mum has a much harder job. It's just unforgiveable on the men's part IMO.

cheninblanc · 10/11/2022 21:03

I had one that dipped in and out, dropped weekends when he got better plans, stopped doing holidays any school input but the children did enjoy their time with him. Then he abruptly stopped and didn't bother again for 2 years, for me it was bliss as I just got on and there was never any question about was he turning up or helping or not. Now he does special occasions as in birthdays and Christmas, no real relationship with either of his now young adult children so you could say hes still absent, they go on these occasions and I think it eases guilt on both sides. Both ways have been damaging but one easier for me than the other. Now whatever arrangement they have for 3 visits a year seems to satisfy them all but it's incredibly sad on many levels

caroleanboneparte · 10/11/2022 21:04

I don't think an absent father is damaging at all!

DrWhitWho · 10/11/2022 21:04

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AllHailtheSlushy · 10/11/2022 21:05

I think it's better for the kids to never bother. I've seen it first hand mess with the kids when dad suddenly drops them like a hot potato when he gets a better offer.

Chomolungma · 10/11/2022 21:07

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to this question - it will be different in different cases.

Stressfordays · 10/11/2022 21:09

My children were much more upset and damaged when their father dipped in and out. Now hes gone for good there is a lovely calm stability. Their behaviour has improved, as has their school work. A remarkable difference according to the teachers. So I believe one that dips in and out is much worse.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 10/11/2022 21:09

One who dips in and out can cause massive anxiety. At least with one that's gone the dc know where they stand, as bad as that might be

NowWhatBipolar · 10/11/2022 21:10

caroleanboneparte · 10/11/2022 21:04

I don't think an absent father is damaging at all!

Me neither, and I had one! He left when I was 5 and I just never thought about him really. My best friend had a mum who dipped in and out. Messed her right up.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 10/11/2022 21:30

Interesting comments, can’t personally agree that an absent father isn’t damaging as I’ve seen it through my children that it is (for them) but is it worse than a rubbish one ?! Just don’t know what’s best sometimes.

OP posts:
LifeIsGreatForUnicorns · 10/11/2022 22:45

Maybe it depends… if the father is absent due to work (eg armed forces) but is still in a family unit … I think it’s fine
if it’s because he can’t be bothered, then I think no contact is preferable as less insidious and less stressful for the child.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 10/11/2022 22:55

Yeh I imagine men who are away for work still have contact with their children like phone calls, letters, presents on birthdays etc

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 10/11/2022 23:01

Dds dad left had a new family never to return she is way more stable than her brothers whose dad dips in and out and makes random "decisions" (like not seeing them for a year due to covid then suddenly decided it was over and he can see them etc) it's led to an unhealthy dynamic where ds1 will refuse to see him for perceived wrongdoings then his dad emotionally blackmailing him to keep seeing him he is nearly 14 so I legitimately can't stop him seeing his dad although sometimes I wish I could he is calmer without him

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/11/2022 23:08

It depends on the frequency and time of the dippings in and out I think.

Someone who buggers off for years on end and then appears expecting to be welcomed back into the bosom if the family would be very damaging. In that situation you’re probably better off with total absence.

My ex is a bit of a dipper and frequently cancels on my DD but he rarely goes more than a couple of weeks without seeing her and he maintains phone contact. It’s extremely irritating but on balance I prefer for her to have a relationship with him and they get on well.

horsemama · 10/11/2022 23:13

caroleanboneparte · 10/11/2022 21:04

I don't think an absent father is damaging at all!

Not for you maybe!

fallfallfall · 10/11/2022 23:13

my father was a merchant marine and was gone 8+ months at a time and once as long as 13 months.
he was a good man, doing unpleasant work for his family for which i respect him dearly.
he was kind and gentle and had interesting stories to tell. i loved knowing his side of the family, which i assume wouldn't happen much if he was totally absent.
i can't imagine thinking my life was worse off because i saw so little of him. and certainly would not have wished i didn't have him in my life.

Gingernaut · 10/11/2022 23:16

Consistency is key

Instability can cause massive issues

A dad who shows up, dips in and out and lets a child down at the last minute can cause untold anxiety issues

surlycurly · 10/11/2022 23:17

My ex did a bunk about 3 years ago after being a dipper for a few years. Initially the kids were pretty traumatised by the sense of abandonment but I can honestly say that they're happier now without him. I think they were so exhausted with the emotional rollercoaster that they were just relieved that it was finally decided one way or another. It financially been awful for me, but I'm delighted not to have any contact with him. Not how it's should be, but better than how it was.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 10/11/2022 23:22

fallfallfall · 10/11/2022 23:13

my father was a merchant marine and was gone 8+ months at a time and once as long as 13 months.
he was a good man, doing unpleasant work for his family for which i respect him dearly.
he was kind and gentle and had interesting stories to tell. i loved knowing his side of the family, which i assume wouldn't happen much if he was totally absent.
i can't imagine thinking my life was worse off because i saw so little of him. and certainly would not have wished i didn't have him in my life.

I think working away is totally different from just not bothering

OP posts:
Circumferences · 10/11/2022 23:31

I don't have first hand experience but I'm inclined to think intuitively that totally absent is slightly better than shitty dropping in and out whimsically.
From a child's point of view, I think they can understand "Dad has moved away" or "dad has a new wife now" which is upsetting but at least it's finite.
It's really difficult to constantly tell a child "Dad did say he wanted to see you on your birthday but sorry he can't now" or whatever. I think this situation leads to more insecurity and anxiety.

To be fair both scenarios are hard, but it's better imo to have an absent parent than a couldn't-care-less parent.

CatherinedeBourgh · 10/11/2022 23:37

I think the risk with a father who is completely absent is that the child may (I'd even say is likely to) idealise them and have a complete fantasy of what it would be like if they were there.

Having at least some contact makes it less likely that this will happen.

Stompythedinosaur · 11/11/2022 00:40

While being totally absent is likely easier for the resident parent, having on and off contact is better for the dc.