Grief vampires when somebody dies..

[GriefVampires]

A young man in my area sadly took his own life. I didn't know him personally but knew who he was through friends so saw the posts.

Anyway, as is usually the case when something tragic becomes public knowledge there has been an out pouring of R.I.P posts on Facebook.

The thing that doesn't sit right with me is how some people who barely knew him (and are saying as much) are going on as though they'd lost a close friend or relative.

Devastated, heartbroken to hear the news etc, long winded statuses drawing reference to the time that they supposedly felt suicidal.

My mind goes immediately to a particular person I know who tries to insert themselves into every tragic event and loss of life and uses social media to garner attentin about it. As predicted she's put a status up about this young man.

She doesn't know him, she's had a drink with his half sister a handful of times years and years ago.

AIBU to think that actually this is pretty damn disrespectful?

100% agree.

Unfortunately there are people out there who seem to particulate ‘competitive mourning’ for those they barely knew.

It is disrespectful and it is all too common. I trace this back pre social media to the death of Diana, Princess of Wales and the bizarre way our nation shifted from private grief to public declarations

Grief wanking is a phrase I learned on here years ago to describe situations like this perfectly

I hate it too. But perhaps it does bring some comfort to families to see that people care. Though when I’ve experienced this I did actually find it really irritating!

Agree. It’s grief tourism, a weird offshoot of general attention seeking.

If I was in that dreadful position , I wouldn’t be opening the virtual equivalent of a book of condolences stuck at the end of my street for any random to write in. That wouldn’t show me particularly that “people cared”.

Going through something similar. Close friend has lost a loved one and is fielding such prying and intrusive behaviour from virtual strangers and its quite upsetting her.

There was another case a few years ago, when a woman I was at school with nearly died but pulled through. One of her friends, not even a close one, kept posting attention seeking updates about "her best friend" I remember finding it embarrassing at the time, and the woman herself felt the same when she recovers.

There are some people for whom drama is like oxygen, and so if they've none of their own need other peoples

Isn't it human nature to feel sad about such an awful situation? I wouldn't personally post anything online but have felt upset when I've found out about people I only know by sight locally or are friends of friends that have died by suicide or lost their lives young.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable to get annoyed by people expressing their feelings.

@SavoirFlair I agree and I have experienced this. I don't think everyone would mind though.
I feel the similarly about murder podcasts, it dehumanises the victims for entertainment.

@SavoirFlair I have also been through similar. One woman in particular (who is on MN so I half hope she sees this) uses my dead relative’s name in social media posts despite me not following her and viceverca, on remembrance events etc and I hate it.

@ChronicOverthinkr that is dreadful!!

I know someone like this

sadly,at work we lost a young lad to a fit-he swallowed his vomit and died

a lady I used to work with lost her husband in a tragic freak accident

both times this woman started with the tears,fb posts and nobody was more heartbroken by both deaths

the lad wound her up no end in life-she used to slag him off all the time and was nasty to him and the husband-she barely knew him,she knew his wife better but only as ‘I work with you’ and ‘have a chat in the street if she bumped into her’ context

’grief wanker’ is right-It sums them up perfectly

i think it’s attention seeking to make people feel sorry for them-they can’t bear others getting that attention

My DH took his own life. Hundreds of people posted on social media and sent us private messages. Most of these people we had not heard of for years and years.
But I figured if he had left an impression enough to leave a fond memory or two with these people, then I was happy to read the messages. And people were truly devastated and saddened by it. He was that type of person that people loved.
We took comfort in it. And if I got one person to say they were struggling too and to reach out, then it’s worth the odd message from a wanker x

Grief tourism is awful. My sisters friend is one of these. Anyone dies, it's all over her social media. Famous people, random people. She revels in it. It's very strange and annoying.

Yes I’ve also experienced this. We use the term grief thief

A woman I went to school with is like this whenever anyone on her Facebook friends list has a bereavement she’s straight in there sharing cryptic posts , anyone famous or local dies she has to post the worst was when the Queen died she videoed herself with tears down her face . Also does anniversary of her grandparents dying over 30 years ago . Actually wish I could screenshot it as my examples barely explain how awful she is .

A new friend of mine lost a child recently. I deliberated long and hard about going to the funeral since it felt a bit intrusive. I went to show support for her. There were however people there that didn’t even know her or her dc. Another friend had a massive crying fit on a night out three weeks after the funeral because not going to the funeral had affected her and made her feel like she had no outlet for her grief She had never even met the child or the family.

it has all made me really cross and I now look at those people very differently.

I agree that all this public emotional incontinence began with the death of Princess Diana.
It was an enormous tragedy and the shocking and very preventable death of a young woman and leaving 2 young boys motherless but the response was beyond crazy.
Thank god social media wasn't invented back then!!

An old school friend is like this. She isn’t very bright and I don’t think she has bad intentions at all. I think she’s genuinely moved by sad news and sub-consciously enjoys the attention.
It was pretty weird when she mourned one of my colleagues though - she obviously hadn’t known him as she mistook a photo of someone else for one of him!

I think it’s fine to send a card/private message of condolence to the family of someone you liked, but didn’t know well. Especially if you can share a nice memory of the deceased.

I think being a grief vampire/thief involves trying to make someone else’s bereavement all about you. E.g. grieving in a very public way and expecting other people to comfort you. Or worse still, taking it upon yourself to break the sad news on social media 😡

It was like 9/11 and 7/7 happened and some people (on Facebook of course) had to make it all about them, even though they were nowhere near, didn't know any of the victims etc. I saw one post about how a woman had had "a lucky escape" as she had been visiting family. I assumed she'd been in London, but no, she was over 100 miles away

They’re the same people who ‘check in’ at A&E or let people know that they won’t be online for a few days because ‘somethings happened/their hamster has died’ or some other reason that I generally don’t give a shit about. I also probably wouldn’t even notice if they weren’t online.

Attention seekers.

This happened at my school. A boy a couple of years above us at a different school was killed on a train in a really horrendous way.

As news spread people were all going out of their way to show how upset they were and pretending they'd known him -- even my best friend at the time who'd never met him, used it as an excuse to get out of P.E!

Never forgot that.

My DP works with a woman who knew a youngish man who died with his partner from years before . She asked work if she could take five days bereavement leave describing him as her nephew but then asked if she got another five days for the partner .

Yep...I've always called it grief-jacking. It's the process of hijacking someone else's grief to draw attention to yourself. Celebrities do it all the time by announcing they're 'heartbroken' and sharing a picture of them at some mindless celebrity party with their arm draped around the other (now deceased) famous person.

Just let people grieve...stop making it about 'you'.