I've not responded and feel bad

[drpepperwhatstheworstthatcouldhappen]

but I can't bring myself to get back to her. My exes mum keeps trying to contact me. He abused me horribly. Raped me, emotionally abused me, assaulted out baby. And a lot more. He doesn't see our son due to safeguarding issues. His mum has never done anything wrong to me, but she doesn't know my son and lives the other side of the country. She wants to. I have PTSD because of my ex and even struggle to type about him. When I speak to her I hear his voice, she looks like him so I struggle to even look at her WhatsApp photo. Ptsd is a bitch and I still have regular panic attacks at the tiniest of things. I want to get in contact with her. But I just can't. I'm in therapy and not mentally in a good place. Am I so awful for having not responded? I am aren't I. It's not because I'm cruel or don't like her. It's a trauma response. I feel like a horrible person. How do I fix this? She must hate me.

Why the actual fuck do you bother with her? I’m sorry to be harsh but you need to look after yourself first and foremost.
I’m sure it would not help you one but to be in touch with her, so don’t be.
I’m sorry to hear about your horrendous experiences.
Im glad you have therapy. Have you tried to get EMDR ? It helped me a lot with my PTSD

Because she's his grandma, she doesn't speak to my ex (they're estranged) because he was abusive towards her too. She sends him birthday presents which I still haven't got round to thanking her for. I just feel like a horrible person. I would love EMDR but it's so hard to come by in my area.

would you feel up to writing a message saying you're not up for that but will contact her if you feel able to? Then block her?

Block her. You owe her nothing. She will be a danger to you and your child as it’s a route to
your ex.
Start putting yourself first.

I don't even know what I'm up for. Anything to do with my ex just breaks me. He broke me so badly and I hate what he's done to me

Ask a trusted friend or relative to write instead, thanking her for gifts etc but that you are really struggling. She could be a nice woman missing her grandchild, but obviously, sadly, you can't have her in your life.

I even have fears of him growing up an dwsnting to speak to her all the time, then her sorting things out with ex, then suddenly my son wants to live with them. It's ridiculous and never going to happen but they are the intrusive thoughts I have.

A woman with PTSD, rape, extreme trauma and you shout ‘what the fuck’ at her.

What the fuck, indeed

Yeah I did find that a bit triggering but didn't want to say on AIBU because I struggle with confrontation. I'm really, really struggling.

You poor pet, I am so sorry.

You owe it to your baby to put yourself first.

That is it.

No one else.

Down the line you may feel differently, or not.

But you do not owe anyone contact with you or your baby.

Please try and put yourself first, for your baby.

It's entirely understandable how you feel.

At the most you could send her a message explaining that you're in counselling due to your ex's behaviour, it's not her fault but her looks, voice etc remind you of him and you can't deal with it at this time. Then block her.

The situation is not her fault.
I would worry however about the possibility of her reconciling with her son at some point and the position it would put you in.

Dies she have other grandchildren?

I just feel terrible because before I was sending her photos all the time and I just cut her off when my health plummeted.

That's exactly my worry. I even wrote it in this thread, so that's just solidified that one. She does have three other grandchildren yes. She's a good grandma. She feels horrible for what my ex has done. I genuinely can't fault her which is why this is so hard. Her other (exes brother and sisters) are lovely.

I really expected everyone to pile on me and tell me that she's his grandma and I should get in contact with her. Thank you.

Do you have a trusted family member who could reply from their own number on your behalf?

Could you set up a Facebook page or some kind of one way thing - which she cannot communicate with you on, making it clear you're not able for communication at this time, and put photos up on it if you feel like it?

As a PP said could a friend contact her for you- explain you're struggling with being in touch with her but hope with time you might be ok with it?

I'm not sure. I can ask.

Op you are not wrong to not want any contact with her, you have to look after yourself and your son.

That's a clever idea

It's fine you don't have to do anything when and if you are up to it maybe send a thank you card on behalf of the GC but honestly you don't owe her any of your time or heads pace.her son caused this rift not you.

Your reaction is absolutely understandable op.

Do you want to keep contact with her and are struggling to do so, or do you not want her in your life at all?

If you want some contact you could maybe get a cheap PAYG phone and give it to someone you trust for her to message, then you can ask to see it when you're feeling up to it.

Or create an email account and only go on it when you're feeling able.

Nobody could blame you for cutting her out entirely though.

The only people you're due anything to is your son and yourself, and you have to do whatever keeps you the strongest for your son, even if that involves hurting someone else's feelings.

I really feel for you. You have been through so much and it is perfectly understandable and reasonable that it is so hard for you to have contact with her. You have no reason to feel bad about it. Just take care of yourself.

I don't understand why there are negative posts about the other woman though. From what the OP syas, she has suffered too. But it's perfectly possible to feel empathy for her and even think it would be nice for her to have contact with her grandchildren but to realise that it is just not possible. That is not because of anything wrong with her but because of what your partner did to you. Severing all ties might be sad for her, but it's necessary for your well being, and your well being is your top priority.

If you do have a trusted friend or relative who could convey this to her assertively but kindly then that might be a good thing to do. But if you don't, please don't beat yourself up about it.

She does have three other grandchildren yes.

Well, it's not like you're depriving her of contact with her only grandchild.

I would go with some one way form of photo sharing, not as someone suggested a trusted friend or family member interact with her on your behalf .... If you feel up to that.

First of all OP I'm so sorry you have been through this. It sounds really traimatic.

I agree with the person who says you have to look after your own MH for your own sake - but also your baby's sake.

If you can bear it, could you send a message saying you cannot cope with the contact with his family at the moment, thank you for the presents. And then block her.