I've not responded and feel bad

[drpepperwhatstheworstthatcouldhappen]

but I can't bring myself to get back to her. My exes mum keeps trying to contact me. He abused me horribly. Raped me, emotionally abused me, assaulted out baby. And a lot more. He doesn't see our son due to safeguarding issues. His mum has never done anything wrong to me, but she doesn't know my son and lives the other side of the country. She wants to. I have PTSD because of my ex and even struggle to type about him. When I speak to her I hear his voice, she looks like him so I struggle to even look at her WhatsApp photo. Ptsd is a bitch and I still have regular panic attacks at the tiniest of things. I want to get in contact with her. But I just can't. I'm in therapy and not mentally in a good place. Am I so awful for having not responded? I am aren't I. It's not because I'm cruel or don't like her. It's a trauma response. I feel like a horrible person. How do I fix this? She must hate me.

Erm this woman did nothing to the OP and is her sons grandmother

That’s probably why the actual fuck the OP is asking this

I'm so sorry you are struggling. I have PTSD too. For different reasons but I know how incredibly hard it is and how things can trigger one day and not the next. My heart goes out to you.

This would be an ideal thing to talk through in your therapy sessions as I imagine even talking about it on here is quite difficult and sets off your thoughts.

It sounds like Grandma could be a good influence in your life but not right now. Does she realise you have PTSD? I'm sure if she read your original post on here she would understand, hopefully leave it up to you to lead the relationship as and when you feel ready.

Don't do anything you feel uncomfortable with.

I really don’t get the first few nasty comments - this woman has don’t nothing wrong, she hasn’t abused the OP.

Id either reply once or ask a trusted friend or family member to message her and say you’re not ready to contact her at the moment, but can set up a way to share photos while you work through what her son put you through.

That was meant to be "or,", not "not".

This is the best solution if you want her to be kept in the loop about her grandson so that it's easier for your son to choose to have an independent relationship with her as an adult.

If you nominate a friend or your mum or your sister or similar to keep your ex's mum in the loop be absolutely sure they can be trusted never to reveal anything which would allow her to contact you. If it's someone who loves you and your son and whom you keep updated anyway, they can take over communication without you being involved.

You can completely ignore and block her having handed communication to someone else. That person should perhaps send her a carefully selected (by the trusted person) photo around his birthday each year (one with a neutral background so the location cannot be identified) and short, neutral "milestone" updates such as "Jamie is crawling/ sitting/ weaning/ walking/ likes Peppa Pig now" or whatever.

You need to put yourself first though and not allow anything that could lead to her finding you, as it's entirely possible she will make up with her son at some point.

From your dcs pov, if she's a decent woman it would be good to know that his father's side aren't all bad, would avoid possible self esteem issues in the future.
Could you write first? I'd be open with her, explain your concerns and how hard it is to see her face to face.

It’s almost always a bad idea to have any contact with the family of an abuser, especially where a child is concerned. Mother’s very rarely permanently cease contact with their children regardless of what they have done. There’s a very good chance that the ex will use the mother to get to the OP or their child.
The grandmother didn’t do anything wrong no, but unfortunately ceasing all contact is often the best outcome for everyone. You cannot trust her to keep the OP or child safe. Harsh but realistic.

You're not being unreasonable. Can you ask
someone else to contact her on your behalf

This sounds like a good idea.
It's possible that the mother of OP's ex has also been really brutalised by her own son.

He {her son, OP's ex} might just be ''A bad seed'' who is a bully and brutal to all the 'Close' women in his life. {It does happen}.

Especially if the other siblings are ok, it points to ''Bad seed''.

What was ex's father like?

Well you sound like a lovely person don’t you Facecream?!

I can see why she must be desperate to be part of his life and must feel very sad she cannot see him but your feelings are completely valid and more important than hers.

Could you set up a Tinybeans account so you can share pictures and videos of him but not message you? It’s what my relatives who live abroad use.

Op please do not send photos of your child op.
If your ex and his mother reconnect, and they may well do, its his mother after all - she may well show him everything you have sent her, and restart his desire to see his child and be a part of his life, causing no end of problems for you potentially down the line. Especially if in court he can prove he has worked hard to change himself, and has a right to access - even supervised contact.

Do not send anything to do with your child. She has other grandchildren she can focus on. You do not need to do anything.

In your position, I would send a thank you card once or twice a year if she sends gifts and outline you are getting professional help and support and can not have any contact with her or anyone for now, don't get into the detail of your life or your son's life or progress. Simply thank her for her kindness and leave it there. If want to. And even this might be too much for you. I would then block her, and would not get into a pen pal situation.

As sad as it is, this is her cross to bear op, not yours. She has other things she can focus on. I expect much of this stems from guilt, which is misplaced, because it is not her fault her son has turned into a monster.

You and baby have to come first now, if you are ever to be safe, and that is all that can matters right now. Your protection.

As tempting as it is to invite her into your lives, I can not emphasis how potentially difficult this could prove to undo later on. Draw a line and focus on safe people - family, friends and neighbours - the community so you can have loving connections without the risk.

I personally would reply and explain exactly how you have on here.

Of course you don’t have to but if you’ve gone from being friendly with her and sending her photos etc to complete silence then she is of course going to be worried about you and is probably going to keep getting in touch with you, which may cause you more stress.

My friend went through a similar thing when her ex killed their baby.
She really struggled to have anything to do with his family, even though they weren’t to blame.

She eventually got back in contact with them and said it was the best thing she did as it sort of gave her closure and they now have a great relationship.
But the ex is in jail and there is no child anymore to worry about, so she doesn’t have the same worries as you do.