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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that saying my opinion is different from being unsupportive regarding friend's work

46 replies

Leothebear · 10/11/2022 06:36

2 weeks ago I met with a friend

She told me she was evaluating to go to a conference in San Francisco for 1 week at the end of the month. This trip is not part of her work duties, not in anyway connected with her normal tasks, not mandatory, but one of the projects one can take as a "voluntary networking/career progression". One slot for the conference was still open and they advertised it on the company internal portal.

Here some key background info:

She has a 8 months old DS which she still breastfeeds
Her DS is due for an hernia reparation surgery on Friday and she would have to fly on Monday
Her husband asked her not to go

She asked me what i was thinking about it and I told her that considering these points, I would suggest her not to go. That i understand her fear of missing this opportunity but i could never sustain the stress of being on the other side of the world so soon after a surgery. (I am also a working mum and I have 2 kids)

Long story short she wrote to me yesterday that she has decided to go and that she wanted to be open in saying that she felt absolutely not supported by me. That friends are there to help each other reach their goals and their dreams and she felt like I was instilling fears and doubts - unnecessary.

I am a bit puzzled and I do not know what to reply. I think it is absolutely unfair - especially after she asked me about my opinion! I would have kept my mouth shut if she would have not asked.

What do you think?

IABU: i should have kept my opinion for myself and express support and positivity about the trip
IANBU: it is important to offer a different point of view and to be open

OP posts:
phishy · 10/11/2022 06:42

I think it's better to be honest but it sounds your choice of words could have been better. You say you 'suggested her not to go', which isn't very supportive. I would have probably said 'if it were me I wouldn't go'. Or you could have said see how DS is after his surgery on Friday and then decide.

MiddleParking · 10/11/2022 06:43

I agree she shouldn’t have asked but I wouldn’t have suggested she shouldn’t go tbh. I’m fairly sure if it had been her husband who had a work trip scheduled that day he’d have gone (without asking his friends their opinions, mind). It sounds like it’s him isn’t supportive of her and she was looking to you to bolster her a bit. With that being said I’d be absolutely furious that she sees fit to have a go at you about her choices and I wouldn’t be in any way accepting of the ticking off or apologetic to her!

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 10/11/2022 06:43

She wanted you to say that she should go and is annoyed that you didn't. You know her better than us, only you can say if she seemed to be hankering after going on the trip during your conversation.

I'd reply and say you're sorry she felt unsupported and that you didn't mean to make her feel that way. Also gently note that you would have kept your opinion to yourself if you'd realised how much she wanted to go! Also wish her a good and successful trip.

She's being unreasonable but you won't get her to admit it, so rise above and ignore her complaints.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 10/11/2022 06:44

The mantra that any nay sayers can't possibly have a valid point and are just trying to pull you down sounds straight out of the bible of pyramid selling schemes like mlm products.
It's a mentality that allows you to sweep aside doubts and silence critical assessment even when those things are just what you need.
She could just as easily thanked you for your honesty as that's what a true friend is for (but she's decided to go anyway).
In my view I think people who only want the one acceptable answer shouldn't ask questions.

user1471462634 · 10/11/2022 06:48

YANBU. Reply exactly what you said 'you asked my opinion & I gave it'.
Does not mean I am unsupportive.
Being supportive is listening & offering solutions, you wouldn't be a true friend if you agreed with everything she said just to keep her happy.
She's just not happy you said ' yeah, great, go for it' to ease her conscious.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 10/11/2022 06:49

Disagree with pp that a dh would have just gone without a backwards glance.
Any partner who disappears on an optional trip leaving you 2 days post op holding the baby is a knob.

ShandaLear · 10/11/2022 06:50

Hi Shiela, you know I support you absolutely in whatever you do. I was trying to consider both sides of the argument and be honest with you (because good friends are honest with each other, are they not?). For me, I would struggle to leave a baby but I am a bit of a worrier as you know, and it being so close to Charley’s surgery would make me think twice, but you know your family better than me, and if you feel confident that it’s doable then totally go for it.

ZooMount · 10/11/2022 06:51

I think in these situations I would always word it in a way of 'if it were me I wouldn't go, but you're not me and if you really want to do it then you should' kind of way. You can give your opinion but still be supportive that she has a different one. She obviously wanted to go. Your way suggests that it's a bad idea for her to go and you don't approve. I wouldn't personally have gone either so it's not that I think your opinion was wrong but I'd have probably still told her to go for it if that's what she really wanted.

ChicaneOvenchips · 10/11/2022 06:52

Sounds like she's involved in a pyramid scheme?

You did nothing wrong.

littleworld187 · 10/11/2022 06:54

She wanted your opinion, you gave it

The end

Unfortunately it wasn't what she wanted to hear but that's the risk she took in asking

There's no point in giving an opinion if it's not honest!

RambamThankyouMam · 10/11/2022 06:54

You gave your truthful opinion. People can't handle the truth anymore. We're all expected to #BeKind and not say what we feel for fear of offending people.

haze1nut · 10/11/2022 06:57

As if anyone goes to the other side of the world when their 8 week-old baby has just had surgery! She sounds mad and very selfish. OP. I'd steer clear of that one.

Fairyliz · 10/11/2022 06:59

Oh dear op you made a classic mistake. One thing I have learnt in life is that people whether they be friends, family or colleagues don’t actually want the truth; they want you to agree that they are right.

Eg I have a friend who has very strong political views. She was talking about something a few weeks ago and I mildly disagreed with her. She is currently sulking and not speaking to me because I didn’t wholly support her.
I think the answer is to nod and agree if people are talking about something that doesn’t directly affect you.

Darbs76 · 10/11/2022 06:59

Nothing wrong with giving your opinion. I’d reply and say I’m sorry you feel that way, I was just expressing my opinion based on the fact your child is having a surgery and didn’t feel like the right time. You asked for my thoughts about it and I was honest in my reply, as you’d no doubt want me to be. Have a good trip. She’s pretty rude and I’m sure she knows it’s not a good time to go and that’s why she’s being so defensive about it all

drpet49 · 10/11/2022 07:03

user1471462634 · 10/11/2022 06:48

YANBU. Reply exactly what you said 'you asked my opinion & I gave it'.
Does not mean I am unsupportive.
Being supportive is listening & offering solutions, you wouldn't be a true friend if you agreed with everything she said just to keep her happy.
She's just not happy you said ' yeah, great, go for it' to ease her conscious.

This.

WarriorsComeOutToPlayaaay · 10/11/2022 07:05

I think she sounds very self centred. She is leaving her baby to have an operation to go on an unnecessary trip and because you didn’t cheer her on you are the bad person.

If you can be bothered to reply I would say “You asked for my opinion and I gave it. Just because it doesn’t align with yours does not make me unsupportive.” But to be honest I would not try to salvage a friendship with someone who sounds so self centred and exhausting.

WarriorsComeOutToPlayaaay · 10/11/2022 07:06

Do you think she’d be so keen to go to the conference if it was in Skegness?

MichelleScarn · 10/11/2022 07:11

Fairyliz · 10/11/2022 06:59

Oh dear op you made a classic mistake. One thing I have learnt in life is that people whether they be friends, family or colleagues don’t actually want the truth; they want you to agree that they are right.

Eg I have a friend who has very strong political views. She was talking about something a few weeks ago and I mildly disagreed with her. She is currently sulking and not speaking to me because I didn’t wholly support her.
I think the answer is to nod and agree if people are talking about something that doesn’t directly affect you.

Absolutely. I have a family member who doesn't want people's actual opinion on anything! Just wants to be told 'what a great idea' 'wow you'll be amazing!' and basically just wants cheerleaders to agree with her. Too exhausting to deal with!

RJnomore1 · 10/11/2022 07:21

I don’t think you should have kept your opinion to yourself but I do think your opinion is wrong.

Original poster
Leothebear · 10/11/2022 07:28

Thanks everyone for the tips

I know her since a lot and she has always had this fear of missing out. She is a YES sayer , she always says yes to opportunities and possibilities, but sometimes she stretches herself too thin.

I thought my opinion could have helped her saying NO to this thing. I thought she wanted me to confirm her doubts are valid and sort of "give her the strenght" to let this one go.

Instead i completely misjudged the situation, and she wanted me to be a supporter.

OP posts:
Riverlee · 10/11/2022 07:30

I would agree with you. I wouldn’t go either if my baby had just had an op.

tigger1001 · 10/11/2022 07:54

She is being incredibly selfish and is ignoring her partner who doesn't want her to go on a voluntary trip when she has a young baby who is still breast fed and will just have had surgery.

She is feeling guilty and wanted you to ease that guilt by saying she was being reasonable by putting forward to go. You didn't - you agreed with her oh.

I would just say, I am sorry you feel unsupported, but you asked and friends are honest with each other.

RampantIvy · 10/11/2022 08:00

So, she is the sort of person where you have to tell her what she wants to hear rather than the truth?

I would have just said "I would not be comfortable doing this, but I know you want to go"

Ekátn · 10/11/2022 08:02

I find people who ask for your opinion, when they only want you to agree with them, very manipulative. Especially, when they try and chastise you for doing so.

She had already made her mind up and wanted your opinion to use against her husband to prove she should go.

gettingolderandgrumpier · 10/11/2022 08:04

I’m sorry can you imagine if it was her having surgery and her dh going away 3 days later leaving her looking after the baby . She’s incredibly selfish and stupid if you ask me . She asked for her opinion you gave it . If support is lying or telling her what she wants to hear she’s a idiot and I wouldn’t want to be friends with her .