To think that saying my opinion is different from being unsupportive regarding friend's work

[Leothebear]

2 weeks ago I met with a friend

She told me she was evaluating to go to a conference in San Francisco for 1 week at the end of the month. This trip is not part of her work duties, not in anyway connected with her normal tasks, not mandatory, but one of the projects one can take as a "voluntary networking/career progression". One slot for the conference was still open and they advertised it on the company internal portal.

Here some key background info:

She has a 8 months old DS which she still breastfeeds
Her DS is due for an hernia reparation surgery on Friday and she would have to fly on Monday
Her husband asked her not to go

She asked me what i was thinking about it and I told her that considering these points, I would suggest her not to go. That i understand her fear of missing this opportunity but i could never sustain the stress of being on the other side of the world so soon after a surgery. (I am also a working mum and I have 2 kids)

Long story short she wrote to me yesterday that she has decided to go and that she wanted to be open in saying that she felt absolutely not supported by me. That friends are there to help each other reach their goals and their dreams and she felt like I was instilling fears and doubts - unnecessary.

I am a bit puzzled and I do not know what to reply. I think it is absolutely unfair - especially after she asked me about my opinion! I would have kept my mouth shut if she would have not asked.

What do you think?

IABU: i should have kept my opinion for myself and express support and positivity about the trip
IANBU: it is important to offer a different point of view and to be open

I would have been less nice than you. Sounds really selfish to leave such a young breastfeeding baby with her DH who is in recuperation. I would have told her that.

So it's the eight month old who is having an operation? And he's breastfed and will want that for comfort? No way would I go. A week is an awful long time in a little baby's life. I couldn't do that to him.

She asked for your opinion and you gave it. That doesn't mean you don't support her.

That's really annoying. I would have to reply saying something like 'Ive been a working mum for X years. Of course I support you. That means telling you the truth when you ask me because I know how difficult it is to see things clearly sometimes when you are being pulled in all directions. The decision was always yours of course'.

I think 'you asked my opinion and I gave it' would be more concise though.

You know the responses on here if a woman posted that her husband was going on a non compulsory jolly abroad leaving behind a young post op baby, he’d be called a selfish bastard with fucked up priorities. They’d be right. The fact that she’s breastfeeding - a choice she’s made that makes her the baby’s key source of comfort - makes her even more selfish.

She asked, you answered, she’s got a right nerve whinging about her feelings now when she couldn’t give a shit about how her partner and baby will be feeling. She’s being a bad parent and now a shitty friend. I wouldn’t reply and I’d back off for a bit.

What @ShandaLear said

8 months, but don’t let the facts interrupt your judgement 🙄

Well said!

“She has a 8 months old DS which she still breastfeeds
Her DS is due for an hernia reparation surgery on Friday and she would have to fly on Monday
Her husband asked her not to go”

What’s the detail here though?

• so she’s breastfeeding. But the baby is 8 months old. So could be she’s mix feeding as a top up to solids and hoping to wean anyway
• Surgery - that sounds like a routine operation and she’s got 3 days to cancel the trip if it isn’t simple. I’ve just googled an American website says umbilical hernia surgery takes an hour, is usually successful and patient back to activities in a few days. So even if I personally might not want to cut it tight, if it’s that surgery, baby will be fine by the time she flies - and she can cancel if not
• husband wanting her to stay. Well. Are we sure he’s not one of those husbands that just can’t be asked to care for their own child? Because 5 mins on MN will tell you I’m not wrong to ponder that 🤷🏻‍♀️

My advice (depending on the detail) might have been - “you want to go, it’s great for your career, ignore Fred being his usual lazy arse dick self - he can care for his own child for a few days. Billy should be fully recovered by Monday - just cancel if he isn’t. Maybe pay extra for a changeable fare. Are you wanting to wean from breast now anyway? If not, when I was away at 13 months for 5 days, I pumped - and baby went back on happily anyway. If this isn’t right for you, there’ll be other opportunities and you’ll be great. But if what’s holding you back now is worrying what other people would do or think - or Fred guilting you cos he’s lazy - then screw them, go!”

No-one can know who is unreasonable. If you just gave a different opinion - you’re reasonable. If you chucked a load of societal pressure at her about what mothers should do - then yeah, she might have a valid complaint.

@Testina well said.

She asked for your opinion but she didn't actually want your opinion. She wanted you to give her "permission" to go so she can feel better about it, and probably say to her husband "well OP thinks you are being unreasonable and I should go".

I don't think giving your honest and asked for opinion is unsupportive. You were helping her weigh up what might be best all factors considered. That is supportive and effectively what she asked for. She just didn't like it!

Being supportive doesn't mean having no opinions. It sounds like she thinks your opinion is also a judgement. I can't say whether that's true or not. I'd respond with, "You asked for my opinion and I gave it - I didn't think it was something I'd do. However, it is your decision and if you're going, have a wonderful time - it is completely your decision."

I think people like that are often fully aware that their decisions are bad. So they're looking for validation.

I'd reply I'm really sorry, when you asked for my opinion I thought you wanted my opinion.

I would not bother to reply
A person who cannot accept that you are entitled to your own opinion is not worth bothering with
She will be waiting for you to reply and apoligise
Just forget it

You did nothing wrong - you were asked for opinion and you gave it. Tbh I would love the opportunity to look at the situation from a different angle and discuss it with you.
You could be wrong and this surgery would be very simple and routine or you could be right and her baby would be very upset without her. None of us has crystal ball. The problem was that she couldn’t handle a different opinion when she asked for it herself. It’s very annoying. Her message comes across a bit rude but maybe she is under pressure and can’t think straight.
By the way it’s so boring only to make reserved and distanced small talk with your friends without touching any real problems.

wow
I couldn't live like this!

real friends etc are able to disagree nicely!

OP - I would have said the same as you. This is not wise. There will be other times and other opportunities, but your ds is having surgery and your dh has asked you not to.

Supporting people doesn't always mean agree with them or nodding and smiling. Sometimes it means gently (and that is quite important) saying - is this really a good idea?

One thing I find though, is to empathise with the need to go - I understand why you want to, good opportunity, as a new mum you feel like you are missing out on career options etc etc, but maybe this one is not for you? That works better.

I did once do similar to you, complicated story so I won't go into details, but I strongly advised a friend not to go away at a time when I knew it would be really really hard for her kids due to particular circumstances and timing (older kids). She and dh went anyway for 3 weeks. It was bloody awful for her kids. She actually just didn't care, still says - they were fine. I know her son has never really forgiven her. I knew I had to say something for the sake of the kids. I think she pulled the friendship back because I didn't agree with her, but sometimes it is important to speak up.

@steppemum
No I don’t want to live like that either but I’ve realised you have too.
In your example you said what you thought and she ignored it and still went away. Her children were upset exactly as you predicted, but in addition you have also lost a friendship that presumably meant something to you?
It is a sad world sometimes.

yes, but I had to try fot he sake of her kids.
I should add that there was a reason why I could give advice (professional) and she did ask, I didn't just launch in.
But for the sake of her kids I couldn't just smile and nod. At least I tried

I think fundamentally you're correct: she wanted you to validate her choice as opposed to being genuinely interested to hear your views. You are absolutely entitled to disagree with her and if she didn't want to know she shouldn't have asked.

That said, I don't agree with your perspective. I think going to an optional conference for career development/networking reasons is perfectly valid. And I can't help thinking that if a bloke jetted off to a conference in these circumstances none of his friends or colleagues would bat an eyelid so I can't help wondering if there's a touch of judgement on your part based on an idea that she needs to be the primary point person on the children because she's a woman.

I can't help wondering if the real story is that she's insufficiently supported by her husband and he expects her to be the default carer for the children. She presumably has precious few chances to advance her career and I don't think she's wrong to ask him to support her on this.

I’ve just reread this thread and realised the child was a completely different age to how I’d read it. I thought he was an eight year old staying with his dad. Too early in the morning! Having reread it I totally agree with you.

If she had been completely happy that she was doing the right thing, would she even have asked your opinion? More likely that she'd be telling you excitedly about this opportunity which she is taking.
She has good reason to have some reservations, but was (perhaps unconsciously) wanted you to sweep them aside and giver "permission"; instead you voiced the objections which her own conscience was perhaps whispering in her ear.
If she ever asks for your opinion again, something bland like, "oh you know what's best for you" is probably the way forward.