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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Facetime - would this annoy you? AIBI

36 replies

RudolphNeedsAntihistamines · 09/11/2022 17:22

My PIL call up on Facetime, spend at least an hour on it, and do it at the most inconvenient time. It is driving me insane.

They call up a couple of times a week. This is not the issue, but the method and when they do it, and how long. So, every time they call up, it is around 8 pm. So, I've been at work all day, I've picked up the DC, I've sorted dinner, cleared up and then I sit down to whatever is on. DH helps before anyone asks. Bakeoff is a great example. I've sat down, glass of something in hand and the Facetime goes off. DH downs the remote, and we have to chat until 9pm or 9.30pm. The conversation is all one-sided about what they have been doing etc. and then they want to speak to DC, who are usually doing homework or on their own mediums of communication with friends.

If I am not around, as in taking a bath, too tired to chitty chat, or have gone out....I am rude. Same for DC, they are rude if they don't want to drop everything and chat for an hour. FYI PIL have ample opportunity to come see us whenever they like, and we do go see them. They just seem to spend all day, every day on Facetime. Also, they call us when it suits them. These seem to be our slots, weekday or weekend at 8pm.

I've asked my DH to please call his parents/ have them call him during the day (weekends), or call them on his way home. I speak to my parents a lot, but I don't close down our evenings to do so. I call them on the phone during the day or I call them hands-free from my car when I am doing taxi service around and about.

I don't have the best relationship with my in-laws, so maybe this is clouding my judgement. However, I do not, and would not inflict this situation on my DH and DC. When I get in from work, I want to chill and I do not want to turn off Sat night TV to Facetime family, either his, or mine. Also, I hate Facetime. I am a really, really busy person and if someone calls me up for a "chat", I put in my headphones and get on with chores. I can't do it if you Facetime me.

OP posts:

Bintymcbintface · 09/11/2022 17:25

That would get on my nerves too. Can you just not answer now and then and follow up a little bit later with a text saying something along the lines of "sorry missed you're call we're out/busy/defending the homestead from invaders" etc, or just tell them outright that it doesn't suit you to chat for so long at the end of you're day when you're trying to wind down?

Bintymcbintface · 09/11/2022 17:26

Your**

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 09/11/2022 17:28

YANBU it's just rude for them to expect the whole household to drop everything and dance to their tune like this. Can your DH guide them back to phone calls where they are just speaking to one person at a time (and therefore only inconveniencing that one person)? Maybe you should ask your parents to start doing it so he gets the point about how it feels to lose so much time each week when it's not all about him/his parents.

randommusings8 · 09/11/2022 17:36

That would completely do my head in too, your husband needs to sort out the situation.
Sounds really intrusive.
In the first instance would reduce the frequency of the calls and change the timing too.

Quag2286 · 09/11/2022 17:38

I simply wouldn't answer 4 out of 5 times.

Cw112 · 09/11/2022 17:44

Your dh needs to tell them that while it's lovely they want to be in touch so much it just isn't really working from your side and maybe agree a weekly dinner instead might be better because you get proper quality time then where nobody is rushing and you can see them in person? So you're reducing the amount you need to speak to them but replacing it with something better? If its is parents I'd say it's for him to take the lead on.

rookiemere · 09/11/2022 17:59

Nope from me. Far too long and too intrusive. I simply would retreat to the bedroom and watch whatever you want there.

Itsabitnotcold · 09/11/2022 18:06

I bloody hate facetime. Can't you just say "We're just watching something, we'll give you a call tomorrow "? Or just don't answer it. Ring back at a convenient time and say "yeah we're usually busy at that time"

WallaceinAnderland · 09/11/2022 18:16

Your DH is your problem.

Ginger1982 · 09/11/2022 18:17

What has your DH said about it?

CruCru · 09/11/2022 18:22

Yes, this would really annoy me. What happens if you have people round or are out for dinner? 8pm is a bad time to call someone.

My Mum has a friend who used to always call during the Archers - so she ended up putting the phone off the hook when it was going to come on. Could you put your phone to "Do not disturb" after 7:45pm?

Have your husband call them at a given time (say 6pm - I don't know what his working day is like). Tell them that you are getting too many calls in the evening (don't say that they are all from them) so are going to turn your devices off after a given time.

MakeItRain · 09/11/2022 20:40

Just tell your dh you won't be chatting and get him to take the call elsewhere. Let them think you're rude. I assume your dh is passing on that message - if so just say, "well I think they're rude, calling up at 8pm when we all just want to relax."

Tell your children they don't need to chat at that time either, apart from a quick "hello, I'm fine thanks, how are you? I'm doing ...../watching .... chat soon, bye".

Keep refusing and they'll get the message.

luxxlisbon · 09/11/2022 20:42

I've asked my DH to please call his parents/ have them call him during the day (weekends), or call them on his way home.

Sorry I would tell me DH to fuck odd if he told me I could only call my mum on the weekend or out of the house on my way home from work.

Fine to tell him to go into another room if you’re watching something, not find to dictate when he can speak to his parents.

gamerchick · 09/11/2022 20:49

This is a husband problem OP. Tell him if he continues to allow this on their terms, he can talk to them alone and leave you and the kids out of it. Be rude in their eyes.

Mumbojumbo1234 · 09/11/2022 21:00

I voted YANBU but I do think you could help the situation by just not answering, asking DH not to answer, or just continue what you were doing and not going on the call. Who cares if they think you're rude?
Following a couple of strained visits from the in-laws, DH and I have put an end to the weekly hour long calls we had at a set time every Sunday morning, unless we don't have plans. It completely ruined our whole day (negative MIL, sitting in silence on a never ending call, criticism, snarky comments etc) which put us both in a bad mood and scuppered timings for the rest of the day. We will do the call if it suits us but finally DH had realised that a weekly call where nobody really speaks other than to be rude to us and us pander to it, was completely draining.
I'd say set a time at the weekend if you don't have plans, but don't set any expectations for everyone to be on the call. If they're pleasant then I think it's fair you and the children speak to them, but if not it's a waste of time that's impacting you negatively.

QueSyrahSyrah · 09/11/2022 21:07

Absolute nope from me, I'd lose my mind! I'm not a big phone call person and I find any kind of unsolicited FaceTime intrusive to be honest, as if they're just barging uninvited into my home.

DH FaceTimes his family an unnecessary amount a lot but after some previous discussion about it he'll now call them when he's cooking or doing the the dishes and I'm in another room, there is absolutely no reason for me to be involved.

Original poster

RudolphNeedsAntihistamines · 10/11/2022 07:02

I do get people calling me up, and vice versa. They chat for ages. That's fine, but I have now engineered my phone calls so I can multi-task. For example, I talk to mine for 45 mins on average, and I will pop my headphones on and get housework done, or I will do it when I am walking or in my car. I cannot afford 1 hour a day sitting down with a cup of tea and chatting about everything and anything. PIL literally are on FT all day, every day. It's their platform. I find it really intrusive. If anyone else calls me on it, I don't answer.

OP posts:

Baconking · 10/11/2022 07:30

You have a DH problem. He needs to resolve this

Ljavery · 10/11/2022 07:33

If no-one tells them that it's inconvenient then they don't know. Your DH needs to tell them that 8pm doesn't work for you as a family but I think he should offer an alternative time that would work. It's no different to them popping in for an hour (and you don't have to make them tea!). Find a time that suits everyone.

XanaduKira · 10/11/2022 07:38

I completely agree with you Op and I simply wouldn't answer. Wouldn't bother me at all if they thought I was rude as they're being rude, intrusive and entitled in the first instance. Agree with the others though, you have a DH problem and he should be sorting it.

Fraaahnces · 10/11/2022 07:40

Have you considered altering the settings on the phones to “Do Not Disturb” from 7pm?

TFMinx · 10/11/2022 07:45

My MIL does this and it drives me batty. I hate FaceTime and if you don't answer, she'll then call and if no answer, she'll message. It's infuriating! My DS doesn't stop his evening for her, he says things like, "Sorry can't talk, eating," or "got to go, I'm playing trucks," (he's 5). I wish I had his balls. Sometimes I don't answer, but then we have questions about why we didn't answer 😑

Basically, I know what you're going through!

Brefugee · 10/11/2022 07:49

How does this "you're rude" manifest itself? do they say that to you/DCs at the time, or do they communicate it to your DH?

If it is in the call and you say "sorry, I'm doing something, why not just chat to DH" or "sorry, I'm busy we'll call you back another time" and they say "oh how rude!" the only answer is "it is rude to interrupt me and expect me to drop everything."

If it is after to your DH? Ignore and carry on doing your thing. You don't have a great relationship with them so what damage will it do? Their rudeness is probably a reason you don't have a good relationship?

thelobsterquadrille · 10/11/2022 07:57

You have a DH problem, not an in-law problem, but I think you probably know that.

Heronwatcher · 10/11/2022 07:57

Who I’d saying that you/ your DC are rude? That’s bollocks. If it’s your DH (with or without prompting from your in laws) then that’s the problem. Of course your DH can speak to his parents whenever he wants, but the whole house having to drop everything for hours on end listening to them prattle on= absolutely insane. My DC and I see my in laws about once a month in person for an afternoon, that’s absolutely more than enough for me, although if my partner wants to call them more that’s absolutely fine. I speak to my sister 2/3 times a week but no way would I expect everyone else to join in. I’d be making it clear that the household FaceTime should be once a week max unless your kids actively want to join in more often of their own volition.

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