Overwhelmed with baby and work

[HappyForRainbow]

Sorry if this is long, I name changed but have been on MN for ever so I know what responses/questions will be asked so I'm trying to be detailed and pre empt.

4 month old DD. In the US, so have already been back at work 2 months. I WFH, in a position which pays ok, I am the main earner and my job gives us health insurance so have to be here. No option to work from an office, and don't have strict hours as such but need to be available for meetings which usually happen between 9 and 3. Can take breaks/flex if no meeting and am available on my Teams app on my phone.

DD is a wonderful baby we tried for a long time to have and I love her. Her sleep is up and down, 1 night feed but multiple wake ups for pacifier or cuddle, and from around 6am will only finish her sleep in bed with me.

That's important because I previously started work around 5-6, giving me 2-3 hours uninterrupted work time before she woke up but now that's not possible, and I feel like I'm failing at work and at being a mom.

DH is a wonderful father. Works Freelance/self employed creating woodwork as requested and stays busy but doesn't really make a huge amount of money for hours worked but is happy and between us we make it work financially. Because of his flexible role he cares for DD while I work and works when I finish, and does some admin/business/enquiries work while watching her when able. I feel DD is too young for daycare and it's cost prohibitive where we are anyway, as the plan was always she stays home. I'd also be happy for DH to be a SAHD but he loves his job and doesn't understand that caring for our child is also contributing, even if he couldn't financially. He has complete access to our money.

That said, I know he gets overwhelmed when DD wants me, or with watching her for 8+ hours straight without a break - I know, because it's really freaking hard, and while he never asks me to take her I can tell when he wants a break or when she wants me so I end up with her between meetings a lot which means I don't have much time left for actual work - hence the previous 3 hours in the morning being invaluable.

I don't know what my AIBU is really. This morning was just so tough as almost the minute I started work DD woke and wouldn't settle in her crib despite multiple attempts so we're back in bed. DH worked through the night again until around 2, so I'm with her while he sleeps until 9ish, and I ended up getting frustrated with her and then crying because I'm overwhelmed but she doesn't deserve it, and I don't think I'm doing anything right.

Also to clarify he does share night waking and usually feeds DD right before he goes to sleep. He's not one of the useless DHs who leaves it to me, but he of course does need sleep too.

It sounds so hard. You can’t be primary cater for baby and work it’s not fair on you, baby or employer.
If you need to work for health insurance then you need childcare either dh, in home babysitter or daycare.

If you are both there is a mothers help an option. Perhaps a teen who would have her a few hours after school so you know you have a chunk of time to work each day.

I know. DH is the main carer while I work but it's my fault, I don't want him to be overwhelmed or not get a break and I don't want DD go be upset missing me so I take her because the alternative feels worse, but then of course I get upset or overwhelmed. I don't know.

It's so asinine having to be back at work with a tiny baby. What do they expect.

I've never heard of this but I'll look into it. Thank you

Basically you can't both work FT and jiggle the baby between you both.

Dh needs to provide FT care to enable you to work FT.

If he needs to work it would need to be sandwiched between your job, but only to the extent that he's up and out of bed ready to do the childcare so you can fully commit to the role.

The last thing you can do is underperform and end up being let go.

No woman in the history of ever gets a break while our husband is away working usually outside of the house so harsh as this may sound if he’s not bringing home the bacon he’s going to just need to suck that up I’m afraid. You don’t get a break, you pee with them on your lap, you eat with them on your lap sometimes you do it with two of them on your lap.

Wow this is so brutal for you!! I'll never get over the appalling maternity provision in the US. If you have to continue working which it sounds like you do then I would suggest getting external help so that you can both have a break. Your DH needs a break and so do you and you need to be able to work effectively when you can. Can you get a part time nanny, have grandparents help, get a babysitter in the house for a couple of hours a day perhaps?

You need childcare, or a SAHP, there’s no getting around it. It’s only going to get worse as she gets older because she’ll sleep less and want entertaining more.

She’s not too young for daycare, loads of babies go at her age and do great. But if you’d rather avoid a big centre then what about a smaller in home daycare (childminder to us Brits) if they exist where you are?

I know, it makes absolutely no sense that I feel that way and act on it. It's not like I get a break really, I'm almost always either working or caring for DD. But I can't shake doing it and I don't know why!

Are there any baby groups that he can take her to? Or just take her out in the buggy for walks so that you can concentrate on work?

Or conversely, if you don't have meetings could you go and work in a local coffee shop or library for a few hours?

If he's primary carer, he needs to pause his business for a few months while she's so young. Could he do that?

While you're working, you need to not have your attention split with the baby. Do you get a lunch break? Perhaps split that with DH so you both have a short respite during the day.

But the truth is that SAHPs do have to look after their kid for 8 hrs a day. (And most SAHMs are expected to have the house sorted during that time too... which is often ridiculous, but just goes to show the different in societal expectations of men and women...)

I think I may have to look into the suggestion of getting someone in home for a couple hours a day or a few times a week. Thank you. I'm not sure why I didn't consider it, I don't think it's that common but also of course babysitters exist, I just didn't put it together with 'for work'.

Of course you feel overwhelmed. Especially on days when you get a poor nights sleep. Even some part time childcare help would really make a difference to your life.

This is why people need childcare. You need childcare. Juggling a small baby with two FT jobs just doesn't work.

Is there a compromise option for baby to go 1 day a week to nursery until they're around 1 and the up day from there depending on availability? Basically you can't both work FT and the person that earns less usually needs to focus on home. It won't be forever but you can't carry on like this.

Oh just a thought- any fancy lifestyle gyms where you are? He could take her to the drop off kids club and have a break or do a few hours work from the cafe, and without her in the house you could concentrate on work. Ours took babies over 6 weeks old and was a lifesaver when we were waiting on a daycare space.
That said, longer term I still think you really need proper childcare.

If he wasn't working, then the 8 hours you are working should be perfectly manageable to him.

Problem is he is then working til the small hours too. So two jobs a day.

If you worked 9-3, can he then work 3-8 then you do 8-9.30? Would 5 hours a day for him Mon-Fri be sufficient? Then a bit more at the weekend?

Working til 2am after having the baby all day is insane.

I'm really sympathetic here as i think US parental leave is abysmal.

Sadly i think the only answer is proper childcare, you can't work & care for a baby at the same time. Either a nanny or aupair/home help, or an agreement with your DH to be a sahp.

Alternatively, can you drop to maybe 4 days a week to give your DH a day to work without distraction while you have the baby?

Does your DH get out much with the baby? It's something I have noticed about the US that this seems less common. I think both of you (and the baby) might benefit from a bit more structure to the week - baby groups, classes, even just going to the library

Part time nanny/babysitter also sounds like a good idea.

You're finding this hard because it is hard.

Is there a compromise option for baby to go 1 day a week to nursery until they're around 1

A four month baby will really struggle to settle in a nursery going only 1 day a week, its not enough time to bond/attach with a keyworker who's also caring for probably 2 others.

Thank you all. This morning was just a lot. I really appreciate all of your suggestions, there's a lot to consider and look into that my overwhelmed and sleep deprived brain didn't think of this morning.

I tried to go part time on my return but the request was denied - no salaried employees in my large company (that I know of) are part time. The US really is terrible for parents. And also workers. And anyone not very rich.

OP - family member in NYC has a nanny who comes in to take care of the baby while the mum wfh and dad spilts wfh and office - both parents work FT. They’ve done this since baby was a similar age.

Many wfh moms have nannies! It's extremely common. I don't wfh as often anymore but for about six months I would pop out to nurse and then leave them to it. You should look for other ways to save yourself some stress if you can afford it:

Grocery delivery
Robot vacuum (changed my life)
Set schedule for you and dad with defined tasks
Bi-weekly or monthly cleaner

It's not possible to work and care for a baby at the same time, for either of you. If you don't want to pay full time you could try having someone come from 7-11 everyday while you and dad work, dad takes over till 3, then you take over while he finishes work. Usually a nanny will also help with baby's laundry, baths, tidying play area and things like emptying the dishwasher.

He doesn't. We have no soft plays at all, so other than a walk/store trip, they are in a lot which I'm sure will get worse as winter sets in. We get snow and multiple days of below freezing in a row. As she gets older and can do parks etc it should be better.