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Original poster

MIL and Christmas Presents

39 replies

MistletoeandBaileys · 09/11/2022 08:09

Hello all! Long time lurker first time poster!!

We are having an issue with my MIL and Christmas presents. I’ve been with my husband 9 years married for 2. Ever since we got engaged my MIL has insisted on buying me a gift for Christmas. Lovely idea and in the past she’s gotten me gorgeous scarves, or a really fancy umbrella which I love and use regularly. I’ve always bought her a gift too.

Now my DH is the eldest son of three. And his parents are divorced 5 years now. Every Christmas since the separation MIL sends him and his brothers lists of what she wants for Christmas. I’m talking €100+ for gifts from her sons. His middle brother is in Uni and working part time living away from home so doesn’t have much cash and his youngest brother has just started an Apprenticeship. So money really isn’t free flowing for them!!

Last year we bought our first home at the start of December and my FIL put down all our floors for us and did tiling the works. He refused payment for it once we bought the materials which as you can imagine saved us a fortune! He has a particular Dior fragrance he likes but didn’t want to ask for as it was €120 to buy but we bought it and some extras for him to say thank you for all the hard work.

Anyway, last year MIL came along with her usual list with the usual price tag and when my DH said no it was too expensive and we were scaling back she kicked up because she somehow found out about what we had bought FIL. My husband pointed out to her that he had done a lot of work for us for no charge and it was the least we could do. She was angry about it. (We did but her a gift but a smaller version which came in on our budget)

This year I wasn’t interested in getting bogged down in the drama again and there was an offer on for her perfume so I bought it. She also has a birthday the end of this month and I bought her a necklace from the Jewellers that she likes. Again, this falls within our budget.

So, now she has said she will give us the list for Christmas and DH has told her we are nearly finished Christmas shopping and that her gifts for both Birthday and Christmas are got already. She is not happy because she knows it will be less than her usual wanted price range.

Just as an aside to this, ever since we got married she has changed her attitude to me completely. I’ve been cropped out of my own wedding pictures, ignored, my weight commented on and my cooking skills questioned. She views my career as less than my husbands. Also the gifts she gives me now at Christmas are trinkets she finds in Charity Shops or a set of wine glasses she used to own in her house. (Complete with dust on box)

My DH is excellent at shutting her down and telling her how rude she is being but it doesn’t stop her. It’s almost like she views me now as competition.

So this year as well as getting her presents before the list. DH has told her in no uncertain terms that if she’s buying a gift, get one for the two of us to benefit from. (Something like a nice chopping board for the kitchen. Nothing more than €30) She said she would think about it but I know she is going to come at me with trinkets again!!

Would it be awful of me to not accept them this year? I’m just fed up with being a second class citizen to my own MIL!

That was longer than I thought it would be!! Thank you if you have managed to stick with me!!

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 09/11/2022 08:12

I'd just stop all the presents all together. She sounds very greedy maybe why her send your fil split up. She won't change op.

BoxOfCats · 09/11/2022 08:20

Next time I would ask her for her list, then pick one gift and split the cost with DH's brothers.

Mamamia7962 · 09/11/2022 08:23

I would accept them this year, but then like the pp has said next year let your husband explain to her that you are stopping buying
presents for adults. This is all such unnecessary drama.

ChakaKhanfan · 09/11/2022 08:24

Save the gift she gives you for Christmas and give it back to her next year

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 09/11/2022 08:24

Choice of gifts is the decision of the giver. It's traditional for children to write a list for Santa but adults issuing a list without being asked are, in my opinion, very ill-mannered. It's only acceptable to do this if the giver asks for ideas. Buy whatever you want for her and accept what she gives you with good grace, you can pass it on to charity shop later on if you don't want it.

Bargoed · 09/11/2022 08:25

Buy her what you can afford - ignore/bin what she gets you.
Let your husband keep calling out the general disrespect and in general lower your own contact with her to the minimum.
If she remarks tell her why but overall you and your husband seam to be handling it the right way - just loss the stress over a Christmas present from a person who's opinion you cannot change x

Thisbastardcomputer · 09/11/2022 09:01

Reading your post and another post about jealous grandparents, it makes me think these people are over invested in their grown up children's lives.

They need to back off and stop interfering and only give an opinion when asked for one.

Thisbastardcomputer · 09/11/2022 09:02

For reference, I have grown up children

PlankingHillClimber · 09/11/2022 09:20

Why not all club together for her for one gift rather than separate gifts? As you have already bought this year's gift it would probably really help the other siblings out. She doesn't get to dictate her gifts. It has to be in agreement with the gift giver. I would use the cost of living crisis as an excuse.

As for her comments? Go low contact with her. Your Dh needs to tell her that her last nasty comment was indeed her last nasty comment. She needs to be held accountable for her behaviour. I still can't get over trying to fleece her children who are on low incomes.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 09/11/2022 09:41

Take her gifts back the grabby bitch. Wrap a bloody selection box for Xmas and a Toblerone for her birthday...
I reckon the Toblerone would make a good cosh if necessary...

Itloggedmeoutagain · 09/11/2022 09:46

I've never heard of adults writing a list
Time to stop buying altogether
In our family we just buy for the kids
Saves a lot of hassle

ThunderMoo · 09/11/2022 10:09

Just take the gifts and put them in her bin

2pinkginsplease · 09/11/2022 10:14

I’d stop all the buying of Christmas gifts for adults,

MinnieGirl · 09/11/2022 10:17

She clearly expects her sons to step up now she’s no longer with FIL…
Give her the gifts you have bought from all three sons. And then tell her that as the cost of living is so terrible, you won’t be buying Christmas or birthday gifts in the future and can she do likewise. And if she buys you trinkets get hubby primed to call her out in it…. Not more rubbish from the charity shop mum, how very rude and thoughtless of you…

Hbh17 · 09/11/2022 10:21

Adults really don't need to buy each other Xmas presents, so why not suggest scrapping the whole ridiculous charade? Any money that you then have could be spent on, say, a meal together.... ie presence not presents!

HuggsBosom · 09/11/2022 10:25

The first poster (Bananarama) has it. I would suggest stopping presents altogether.

However, your husbands sounds fab and on the ball so let him deal with MIL.

takealettermsjones · 09/11/2022 10:30

I'm aghast at the sheer brass neck of an adult writing a Christmas list. I don't even like it from children tbh (although I know parents find it helpful) but from an adult? Outstanding rudeness.

WhatWouldHopperDo · 09/11/2022 10:32

I know we read about this sort of thing all the time on here but it astounds me that anyone would be so rude as to produce a list of expensive gifts and then kick off when their DCs call them out. (Who asks their Uni student/Apprentice child to fork out for expensive stuff??!!)

I always ask my parents if there is anything they would like for Birthdays/Christmas and if they do come back with something it is usually a book or something - never more than about £15. I always spend more (whatever I can afford) but they would NEVER expect it and would actually not be at all bothered if I got them nothing.

Gift giving is supposed to be a nice thing - not something full of demands and expectation.

You would not be at all unreasonable to return what you have already bought and just say you are not doing gifts anymore and don't expect any from her.

PoshHorseyBird · 09/11/2022 10:39

Maybe just tell her that due to the huge rise in the cost of living you'll be stopping presents for adults and she can do the same for you. Point out that this will save her money! (Obviously we know it wont save her money as all she buys you is cheap tat but it'll certainly save you money!) Maybe use the money you save by not buying her an expensive present to buy something for yourself and hubby. Your MIL sounds incredibly rude demanding expensive presents anyway!

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/11/2022 10:39

ChakaKhanfan · 09/11/2022 08:24

Save the gift she gives you for Christmas and give it back to her next year

This is exactly the route to go. She can’t complain as she decided the gifts were good enough for you.

Do you really need to see a woman, who is so toxic she’s writing you out of the family?

Original poster
MistletoeandBaileys · 09/11/2022 10:56

Thank you all for the opinions!! 💐 on my families side we buy for children only and even at that it steps back to Godchildren only when your own kids come along because it’s just too costly!

My own siblings and I did Secret Santa for years until now but now that they are in uni and Working they want to save their money but we decided to still do birthday presents. My own mam we all chip in for together but it’s usually €20 each to go towards a nice perfume or something she has had her eye on (I’m a good bit older so chip in more occasionally) Mam has never wanted to be included in gifts!

Good call about getting the brothers to chip in for something together that will be a plan going forward! I already have limited interactions with her because of her attitude.

I think a lot of it now is that she is not needed in the same way as she used to be by them all. Only the youngest is still at home. We only live 10 minutes away but she never seems to want to come over. (Which suits me!!)

I think she assumes we spend loads of time with my family who live 40+ mins away but we don’t. I go down every two weeks to visit and sometimes my husband comes if he’s off and sometimes he just wants to chill at home but my family don’t mind!

She is all about Social Media too. If it’s not something she can take a picture of to put on Social Media she doesn’t want to know! last Christmas she put up a post with a picture of all the presents she got for Christmas! She’s 58 not 15!!!

OP posts:
ThunderMoo · 09/11/2022 10:58

I think she assumes we spend loads of time with my family who live 40+ mins away but we don’t. my inlaws are like that. Strange to be jealous of something that isn't happening!

Sparkletastic · 09/11/2022 11:14

She sounds bloody awful. Don't pretend to like the gift she gets you if it is shit. Definitely no more gifts henceforth.

Kitkatcatflap · 09/11/2022 11:24

I think if you refuse to accept her 'barbed' gift there will be more trouble. As she has bought you lovely gift in the past, clearly she is trying to send a message. Just accept it this year - even with gritted teeth and leave your DH to say something about scaling down next year.

She does sound immature. But thinking you are spending more on FIL than her, you spending more time with your family does she feel left out? Overlooked?

Beautiful3 · 09/11/2022 11:25

I'd message to say that from next year 2023, "we are not buying any Christmas presents for anyone except children. So please don't buy us anything."