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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparent competitiveness / Jealousy

41 replies

butterpeanut · 08/11/2022 21:29

Hi, hoping for some advice on how to manage this situation. Have a DS who is 18 months old who goes to nursery 2.5 days, MIL has him half a day & my mum has him 1 day & he’s with me on my day off. Ever since our son was born the relationship with MIL has become quite challenging, not just for me but for my husband and his mum. She has admitted in the past she is jealous of my relationship with a mum (said she wishes she had a daughter as “sons don’t care the same” and I’ll see that one day when mine is older…) - FWIW I don’t share the same views as know many daughters / mums with strained relationships and sons / mums with good relationships but anyway back to the point…

For context - I don’t like to ask for help and if we can we will take our son with us to events, if my mum offers then I’ll sometimes take her up on this and she will have him at ours as she lives within walking distances We have actually asked MIL on times before where we haven’t been able to take him with us if she’d like to have him for a few hours and she has been busy (minus 1 occasion) which has resulted in my mum looking after him more often than her. This is often a topic of conversation whenever she can make it one and my husband does mention that on the times we’ve asked her she’s been unavailable and on the times my mum has offered we’ve taken her up on it (her reply to this was we should’ve asked her even if my mum offered so it’s fair!?)

This weekend we was out for lunch and my husband was discussing our plans for the weekend with his brother and mentioned we was out for dinner one evening. His mum immediately stopped her conversation, asked “so who’s having DS, mum again? Of course.. who else”… burst in to tears and stormed off, causing a scene and shouting how it was ALL about my family and she was being kept from her only grandchild. It was quite honestly the most bizarre behaviour I think I’ve ever seen. We left shortly after, my husband is really quite angry and upset, we’ve not heard anything from her since. He’s a really patient person and usually the first to offer an olive branch but he has said he’s absolutely had enough of the “fair” digs and her behaviour. We’re meant to be seeing them this weekend but neither of us feel like this is behaviour we want to accept forever.

I want a happy life with both families involved, both our parents are split and DS is the only grandchild for everyone so this can cause us some issues around having to “fit everyone in” and also maintain some time just for us too.

Sorry I’ve gone on for way too long here but didn’t want to drip feed. I’m just quite open to hear others thoughts on how to handle this. Should we just suck it up and go for lunch and continue to ignore? Should husband reach out and initiate another discussion about her comments? (We’ve had 2 conversations in the last 18 months asking her what she would like / how we can make things better etc cos of similar situations but nothing seems to change. I just feel at a loss of how to maintain this relationship as I know she loves her grandson and I want him to grow up knowing his grandparents but her behaviour is pushing us further away than ever.

OP posts:

serenaisaknobhead · 08/11/2022 21:52

Continue with your plans. Don't change them because she's thrown her toys out of the pram. Let DH deal with his mum and don't get involved otherwise she'll blame you. Don't pander to her. Time to set boundaries and expectations.

Natty13 · 08/11/2022 21:55

"Susan, when you behave like this with constant comments and digs whenever we see you of course it makes us not want to spend as much time with you. Maybe if you try being more pleasant and better company things will be different but atm you ate pushing us away."

Original poster

butterpeanut · 09/11/2022 06:31

Thanks both for your replies. You’re both very right and defo given me and husband some reassurance that this behaviour just isn’t right.

OP posts:

nightbulb · 09/11/2022 06:44

Coming on to say that I don’t think it’s always quite so clear cut, it’s obviously coming from a good place of wanting to be involved and wanting to help. It’s probably also coming from the relationship that she has with her DS(s)… I can understand how she’d feel left out as she is grandmother too, doesn’t excuse behaviour but I think it must be hard for some grandparents.

what is she like when she has the baby?

Original poster

butterpeanut · 09/11/2022 06:58

@nightbulb This is why I’ve tried to understand what can be done to find a solution as there has to be something I’m missing as the reaction is so OTT. She has DS once a week.. (same as my mum) so definitely isn’t left out. Yeah she’s fine with him, I try to just leave her to spend her time with him how she chooses and have said I’ll pay for a class or lunch out etc if she wanted to do that but she wont go out without her husband and he works the day she has him so her time with DS is spent at home with TV / toys / garden etc which I don’t have an issue with, he comes home happy. She is however unreliable and can cancel for random reasons.. for context she hasn’t had him for 4 weeks due to a hair appointment / a holiday / dentist & attending a work meeting. I’ve not made any fuss about this and just taken the time between my husband and I as annual leave as understand things happen but it seems unfair for her to moan she doesn’t see him as much when she is the one who cancels and declines offers of more time. I just feel at a loss of how to resolve this.

OP posts:

Holly60 · 09/11/2022 07:10

I wonder if it's more about her comment about wishing she had a daughter?

From some of the posts you see on here about people being disappointed not to have a daughter (I have an adult son by the way who I adore and always have) it could possibly have been a very very long standing sadness for her.

Maybe what she is envious of isn't your sons relationship with your mum, but actually YOURS. What she perceives as the different closeness of a mother to a daughter? So she reads in to every occasion that you would RATHER your mum have your son than her??

So to you, it's relatively fair and not a massive deal, but to her every time your mum has your son she believes it's because that's what you prefer and she is jealous of your relationship with your own mum?

So possibly it's not about being fair, it about her underlying belief system that maternal grandmothers are somehow more important?

Is there any way you can work on convincing her that YOU value her as much as your own mum? What is quite sweet is that it obviously really matters to her what you think and she is craving to feel like she matters to YOU as a woman and the mother of her grandson.

And remember that she may have had this ingrained belief system for YEARS so it will be really hard to shift.

I feel sorry for her because it is obviously a real source of sadness and grief for her. I am sure that she will respond if you show her YOU really care :)

Holly60 · 09/11/2022 07:15

And when I say show her you value her as much as your own mum, I obviously mean in relation to her relationship with your son, not generally as obviously one is your mum and the other isn't!

So many comments like 'I feel so lucky to have you and get on with you when so many women seem to clash with their MILs'

Or 'I love that DS has two loving grandmas, he is so lucky and it's so important'.

Or what about YOU call her and say 'me and DH would love to go out for a meal in December. When can you have DS so we can?'

Puddywoodycat · 09/11/2022 07:17

Wow.how odd..

It sounds like she is deliberately making something's out of nothing perhaps as an excuse to kick off..

Can you write down the times you have offered him and she's turned you down? So she can see it in black and white in a clear way?

I would get it down on paper and show her.

Then ask what is going on because you are putting us in an impossible situation? We offer him , you don't take and fhen critisied us.
I will not have my mother demonsed for being available and wanting to look after my son.
I will not tolerate being dragged into this competition and my son turned into a toy in a tug of war.

Puddywoodycat · 09/11/2022 07:19

Holly, I don't agree that this is ops problem to solve for her mil but a good idea for op to reflect on how she has treated her mil.

PurBal · 09/11/2022 07:21

We have the same issue but with my mum rather than MIL. Mum thinks she sees DS (slightly) more but probably doesn’t. She’d lose her shit if she knew she didn’t. We try to keep it fair and if we ask for help do it alternatively but my mum nearly always declines. I’m the only daughter and she moans constantly about how she doesn’t she her other grandchildren (she does) or that they always go to other grandparents (who live closer…). The whole mum/daughter relationship only exists in my mums head, I don’t feel particularly close to her.

PurBal · 09/11/2022 07:21

My point: MIL is being unreasonable, leave her to it.

NCFT0922 · 09/11/2022 07:22

Did it not get mentioned when she had your child for her 1.5 days this week?

Holly60 · 09/11/2022 07:25

Puddywoodycat · 09/11/2022 07:19

Holly, I don't agree that this is ops problem to solve for her mil but a good idea for op to reflect on how she has treated her mil.

Not at all but OP is posting because she is struggling with the problem of her MIL making a fuss so this would be one way of solving the problem - possibly.. if it works

Original poster

butterpeanut · 09/11/2022 07:26

NCFT0922 · 09/11/2022 07:22

Did it not get mentioned when she had your child for her 1.5 days this week?

She hasn’t had him for 4 weeks as she’s had other appointments (sorry I mentioned that in my follow up)

OP posts:

vincettenoir · 09/11/2022 07:28

Hopefully she has been reflective about her outburst and realises there’s a problem with her own behaviour. She is obviously going through some difficult feelings - not that it excuses bad behaviour. I can see why you don’t fancy seeing her this weekend but I would be reluctant to make her feel like she’s been frozen out, in the circumstances. Hopefully she will be repentant and that can open up an honest line of communication.

Given that she has your ds for at least a half day a week, she’s being unreasonable and this is all about her issues. Maybe she needs to look at what they are.

Original poster

butterpeanut · 09/11/2022 07:28

Thanks for the comments re making her feel more involved / special, I’ll definitely go away and think about that but I’m still not sure it warrants the way she makes my husband feel.

I feel like as a DIL I really try and make her feel involved but it’s hard now I’m back at work and trying to balance life, I’m not on my phone as much. I set up a group WhatsApp chat when DS was born that I’d send photos etc too, on reflection I don’t send as much since going back to work as it’s hard balancing my new normal, we went wedding dress shopping me,my son and her, I’ve invited her to classes with me etc when he was younger, got her a car seat / a travel cot (both unused). I am fully aware I have no doubt made some errors along and the probably caused some upset that I’m blissfully unaware of but sly digs and comments from her aren’t going to resolve anything and I’d rather just be told what’s upset her so we can have a discussion and resolve it

OP posts:

sunshineandshowers40 · 09/11/2022 07:30

I think @Holly60 is actually correct but I don't agree with their advice. MIL sounds bonkers and unreliable, just keep doing what you are doing at least your DH agrees .

NCFT0922 · 09/11/2022 07:32

@butterpeanut ah ok. I was wondering if he had actually now stopped having him too. She could end up making this very awkward and jeopardising her relationship with her grandchild.

Holly60 · 09/11/2022 07:32

You sound an absolutely lovely daughter in law 🥰 (you remind me of mine)

All you can do in that case is carry on as you are and accept that she has an inner core belief that as the paternal grandma she is somehow less valued.

She may have been told all her adult life that she will miss out not having a daughter (rubbish) and now everything is confirmation bias.

But it sounds like you can't do much more so it really is her issue.

Everydaywheniwakeup · 09/11/2022 07:34

My MIL was exactly the same. It is utterly tedious. There was also the issue for me that while I was expected to give her the exact same amount of time with DD as my mum had, I was very close to my mum and wanted to spend time with her, but MIL kicked off every time. My mum died when DD was little and I could almost feel MIL"s delight that she was the only grandma.
A divorce sorted out my issues (mostly!) but not something I'm suggesting other than solidarity. I recall one time MIL literally screaming at me: you're trying to keep her from me!!! Exhausting.

EVHead · 09/11/2022 07:34

She can’t expect to be asked if she’s unreliable. She has made a weekly commitment with you, she’s let you down four weeks in a row, and she expects to be asked to do more?!

She could make hairdresser/dentist appointments any other day, but she prioritised these over her commitment to you.

She’s in danger of never being asked at all.

Bicnod · 09/11/2022 07:39

And this sort of behaviour is precisely why my MIL is no longer in our lives. I tried for years to placate her, taking the kids to see her even after DH had given up and washed his hands of her as he couldn't handle the drama anymore. Her behaviour never really changed, she just couldn't see that she was driving us away. So now she doesn't see her son or her grandchildren. It's really very sad. OP as a previous poster said, this is not your problem to fix. Your child is not an asset to be shared out equally amongst interested parties. Any grandparent worth their salt would be supportive of you rather than piling on the pressure and the guilt.

Cornishclio · 09/11/2022 07:47

If she is unreliable I don't see how you can ask her to babysit anyway. If she only has him half a day a week why does she schedule appointments then anyway? YANBU.

Fluffycloudland77 · 09/11/2022 07:54

She sounds like dhs mom, everyone has to tip toe round her or she kicks off. You basically have to parent them 🤦🏻‍♀️ because their parents didn’t bother.

MinnieGirl · 09/11/2022 08:08

EVHead · 09/11/2022 07:34

She can’t expect to be asked if she’s unreliable. She has made a weekly commitment with you, she’s let you down four weeks in a row, and she expects to be asked to do more?!

She could make hairdresser/dentist appointments any other day, but she prioritised these over her commitment to you.

She’s in danger of never being asked at all.

This is the bit that stands out for me.
I have my grandson once a week while mummy is at work. That date goes into my diary and is non-negotiable. Everything else is booked around it. And hair and dentist appointments would be rebooked if my daughter needed to change her shift.
I would sit down with mil and remind her that she has cancelled her duties for the last four weeks, and that if she is going to put hair and dentist appointments before looking after DGC then you will have to make other arrangements, as you can’t rely on her. It is her choice. But you are not going to play games with your child in the middle. If she wants to be involved she makes an effort.

You sound such a lovely DIL, and your husband has your back. Speak to her together so she sees a team.

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