Grandparent competitiveness / Jealousy

[butterpeanut]

Hi, hoping for some advice on how to manage this situation. Have a DS who is 18 months old who goes to nursery 2.5 days, MIL has him half a day & my mum has him 1 day & he’s with me on my day off. Ever since our son was born the relationship with MIL has become quite challenging, not just for me but for my husband and his mum. She has admitted in the past she is jealous of my relationship with a mum (said she wishes she had a daughter as “sons don’t care the same” and I’ll see that one day when mine is older…) - FWIW I don’t share the same views as know many daughters / mums with strained relationships and sons / mums with good relationships but anyway back to the point…

For context - I don’t like to ask for help and if we can we will take our son with us to events, if my mum offers then I’ll sometimes take her up on this and she will have him at ours as she lives within walking distances We have actually asked MIL on times before where we haven’t been able to take him with us if she’d like to have him for a few hours and she has been busy (minus 1 occasion) which has resulted in my mum looking after him more often than her. This is often a topic of conversation whenever she can make it one and my husband does mention that on the times we’ve asked her she’s been unavailable and on the times my mum has offered we’ve taken her up on it (her reply to this was we should’ve asked her even if my mum offered so it’s fair!?)

This weekend we was out for lunch and my husband was discussing our plans for the weekend with his brother and mentioned we was out for dinner one evening. His mum immediately stopped her conversation, asked “so who’s having DS, mum again? Of course.. who else”… burst in to tears and stormed off, causing a scene and shouting how it was ALL about my family and she was being kept from her only grandchild. It was quite honestly the most bizarre behaviour I think I’ve ever seen. We left shortly after, my husband is really quite angry and upset, we’ve not heard anything from her since. He’s a really patient person and usually the first to offer an olive branch but he has said he’s absolutely had enough of the “fair” digs and her behaviour. We’re meant to be seeing them this weekend but neither of us feel like this is behaviour we want to accept forever.

I want a happy life with both families involved, both our parents are split and DS is the only grandchild for everyone so this can cause us some issues around having to “fit everyone in” and also maintain some time just for us too.

Sorry I’ve gone on for way too long here but didn’t want to drip feed. I’m just quite open to hear others thoughts on how to handle this. Should we just suck it up and go for lunch and continue to ignore? Should husband reach out and initiate another discussion about her comments? (We’ve had 2 conversations in the last 18 months asking her what she would like / how we can make things better etc cos of similar situations but nothing seems to change. I just feel at a loss of how to maintain this relationship as I know she loves her grandson and I want him to grow up knowing his grandparents but her behaviour is pushing us further away than ever.

Thank you so much everyone, I really do appreciate all the replies on here. I can tell it’s upsetting my husband more than he’s letting on and I just want to try and find some solution so we can all move on and find a way that works for everyone.

Would you believe that my husbands auntie told me his mum didn’t leave him or his brother with anyone until they went to school.. she’s put pressure on me since he was 4 weeks old to have him as much as possible and sometimes I wish she’d remember perhaps now she felt as a new mum. We even spent DS first Christmas with her last year to then find out from husband brother that she cried after we left because we hadn’t stayed for long enough (we arrived at 12pm and left at 5pm). Just feel like even when we do try and do what we feel is what she wants it’s still not enough.

I have issues with my MIL too though different issues to yours.
I was completely taken by surprise by her reactions. I think what surprised me the most was just how immature her behaviour was towards her children and grandchildren despite being a seemingly lovely and normal functioning adult in every other way.
Sometimes I think when you’re a young adult, you assume that because older adults have more life experience they are going to be more mature, thoughtful etc and it was a shock to me that that doesn’t necessarily happen. Deep down many of us still act like children who didn’t get their own way particularly in family relationships.
I think you have to accept that the issues are hers and not yours and just try to have the best relationship you can with her despite them. She’s probably aware she’s being unreasonable but sometimes emotion just takes over.

It will never be enough.
You have gone above and beyond and she’s still not happy? So stop trying, and when she kicks off just laugh. Mil you are being silly again. Stop this behaviour or we will have to go home. Shall we have a cuppa?

I would also get hubby to have a word…mum you offered to have DC but you’ve not been available for the last 4 weeks, and that doesn’t work for us long term. We are going to make alternative arrangements as you clearly don’t prioritise DGC.

This idea that mothers of sons will lose out becomes a self fulfilling prophecy in my view. Behaviour like this is not acceptable . It needs to be challenged directly as pp have said. Remind her of the times she has not been able to have him. Tell her the issue is in her hands. Tell her clearly that seeing herself as a victim when she is nothing of the sort is damaging your relationship with her. But ultimately this needs to come from her son.

In terms of what you should do, I would still go to lunch with her. Hopefully she’ll have had time to think and calmed down a bit. It is important to try and maintain a relationship with her for your DS sake. You and her don’t have to be in each other’s pockets for that to happen - you just need to keep the lines of communication open.
That’s what I’ve done with my MIL. I’ve accepted that we’ll never see eye to eye over certain things. She also has this attitude over being disappointed in having only sons and how they never have as close a relationship with their mothers. Complete rubbish in my opinion - my brother is much closer to my mum than I am for example. If you believe this, you will perpetuate it. It is true that my DM has done more childcare for me than my MIL but that’s literally only because my DM says yes when asked and my MIL is usually busy - nothing more. Most parents are delighted to get childcare help from any grandparent that offers!!

I agree that your MIL is behaving extremely badly. However I would manage it differently. Provided you are happy with the way she looks after your son, and I think you have said you are, then ask her to look after him more. You said you don't like to ask... Perhaps she doesn't like to ask either? You could actually ask her to look after him an unreasonable amount of times then, although I am sure she will not be able to do most of them, at least she won't be able to say she hasn't been asked. I doubt if it would increase the amount she has him by very much in the end.

She is however unreliable and can cancel for random reasons.. for context she hasn’t had him for 4 weeks due to a hair appointment / a holiday / dentist & attending a work meeting.

Surely this is the obvious thing to point out to her? You are giving her opportunities to have him but she's turning them down?

Like a pp, when I'm due to have my DGD (or even know that I'm likely to be needed) I make sure that I don't commit to anything else. Everything else has to for arguing it. Your MIL is even cancelling her regular commitment to you so you have to use annual leave. The holiday and the work meeting are excusable, but the hair appointment and the dentist? It's bizarre

Everything else has to for arguing it.

Everything else has to fit around it! Ugh

It almost sounds like she is self sabotaging the relationship, testing the boundaries . I mean who makes a hair appointment when they know they'll be letting someone down?
It sounds like however much you do, it really won't be enough. Lay the facts out to her. She will kick off but any reasonable person would know they are being unreasonable!

You sound lovely and your MIL sounds immature and emotionally needy. Won’t go out without her husband? Has outbursts while at lunch with you that she isn’t seeing enough of your DS, then cancels minding him for a hair appointment? I don’t think you’re at fault here.

I'm not sure there is much you can do OP, from your follow ups she has some deep seated issues that aren't based on reality, and sounds completely over emotional and you aren't going to be able to solve them.

Its completely illogical to cancel looking after your son 4 weeks in a row then cry about not seeing him enough! Cancelling all those times especially for flimsy reasons like appointments that could be made at other times, is really flaky, and inconvenient for you, and I think most people would be angry about being let down.

She sounds like a toddler having a tantrum and cutting off her nose to spite her face (if your son was at the lunch she stormed out of). I think actually seeing your son more wouldn't solve it because it's not actually about how much she sees him it's about her perceived place in the family.

I'd just ignore her or again calmly point out how many opportunities to see him she has turned down. Don't get drawn into trying to pander to her as it won't work.

Sounds to me like she has more of an issue with your mother than being allowed more time with DS. She obviously isn’t that bothered about that if she is too busy.
I think some GP like the idea of being this ideal involved GP but aren’t that interested in the reality of it. My MIL was particularly obsessed about being the one to be called Granny for instance and no one else being allowed. She wasn’t happy about the amount of time GC spent with my SILs mum and criticised how she interacted with them. MIL has very little interest in spending time with small children though and always wanted them to go to bed/or go play.

Id say ‘we don’t feel we can ask you as you seem very busy already’ and leave it at that

Your poor DS is being treated like an object by MIL!

I understand what op are saying and why they’re trying to understand you MIL and her perspective
and that’s nice
but also this is a grown woman who you are nice and polite to and take your child to see, who you do everything she asks, and you even sit down with her regularly to ask how you can improve things

and still she doesn’t take any initiative and throws tantrums like a child. It’s not your job to work out what her issue is whilst she just continues to be rude to you.
i honestly couldn’t be arsed.

Put an end to the discussions and refuse to engage. MIL I don’t want to hear it anymore. My child is not a toy to be shared. He is a person and we do what works for us as a family, what is ‘fair’ to you is not part of that decision making process. I will continue to bring him to you and offer babysitting times with you as I already do. But I’m not engaging in this conversation anymore and if you continue to bring it up we will leave. Then leave. Every time.

Hi everyone, just thought I’d update.

Husband called his mum earlier this week and told her how he felt about the weekend and how he’s having some challenges with other aspects stated in my OP, she apologised for her behaviour last weekend and said she was mortified and hadn’t known how to address it, said she realises she has some issues she needs to deal with and will be working on them. Husband made it very clear that he feels anything we do is never quite good enough and how we just won’t engage in conversations about what she determines is “fair” anymore. The first half of the conversation he tells me was horrendous and like bashing his head against a wall but after some time they both discussed their feelings and stuff was aired. We met with them yesterday as planned and actually had an enjoyable time.

Husband had said to her this is the absolute final conversation he wants to have with her about this. I went out whilst he called her, part of me would’ve loved a listening ear but I felt it needed to be a conversation between mother and son.

He felt much better after the conversation and tbh that’s all I really give a crap about alongside my son being happy. I don’t doubt they’ll be a few more bumps along the road but I don’t think we will ever be one big happily family but hopefully we can all move on from this and enjoy time together rather than dread meet ups.

I think you should take this opportunity to add an extra day or 2 a week of paid childcare and stop relying on your mil and your mum so frequently.