To think future Christmases are going to be a nightmare

[xmasdread]

NCed because of details

Mine and my husband's parents are both split. His as a child, mine a few years ago.
Parent 1 still lives nearby and we're very close with
Parent 2 recently moved to the other end of the country and we were never close with

Parent 3 lives in Europe, usually they rent an air b&b when visiting

Parent 4 lives elsewhere im Europe, can't afford accommodation so relies on others for a place to stay when visiting

We've just had a baby. We've told family that our first Christmas with baby will be just us as a family and we will see other family on other days. All but 1 parent has arranged visiting near xmas.

AIBU to dread christmases going forward? I always dreamed of having big family christmases but with 4 separate sets of parents to visit I feel like every year is going to be a nightmare and get political. I love Christmas and want to enjoy it with my children, I don't want to have to figure out where we have to spend it each year in order to avoid jealously etc.

How would you handle it?

Just say no. We regularly spend Xmas with 1 set of parents. We love the others very much but as a family it works much better going to one set of parents. I will say there was some back and forth the first 2/3 years after having DC And we tried a few things ie taking turns and spending an Xmas at home alone but this is what works.

Have the Christmases you want OP. I haven't had Christmas with any extended family for nearly 30 years. I like it at home with my children and friends. Parents would be welcome to join us but they never have. Inlaws come for a weekend before Christmas and my parents couldn't be arsed so I never bothered with them either.

Stay in your home and offer to host/video call. I spent years travelling most years so that everyone had their turn to see us at Xmas. All it resulted in was the dc having virtually no memories of a Xmas at home which made them (and me) sad. They also felt they couldn't say anything as they didn't want to upset the GPs.

Are you sure this isn't just the plot of Four Christmases with Reece Witherspoon? 😂

Parents 2, 3 and 4 would be unreasonable to expect you to visit them on actual Christmas. Parent 1 you can probably arrange Xmas day or Boxing Day with most years. I actually think this will be easier than if all 4 lived in your town!

Stay at home, have a family christmas with just your family.
Relative visits/visiting is best done at any other time of the year.
The hollywood christmas is a shared delusion.

We travelled once with young dc. It was the Christmas of snow and we never did it again. We stay put and anyone who wants to come is very welcome ( no- one does anyway). It’s our absolute favorite time of the year.

I’d host at your house. Have your children as centre of it all. The parent you’re close to will obviously come. The one in the air B&Bs could come easy enough if they want. The one who couldn’t afford accommodation could perhaps stay over a day or so, or have you no room? (they might not bother). The one who lives elsewhere in the country can travel up if they want. They all chose where they live and knew it would affect their Xmas…

No answers, just sympathy. I would love to chill over Christmas and stay at home, but feel like it's forced to run around visiting people. I didn't mind Covid Christmas 2020 for this reason!

Do any sets of the grandparents get along (your mum and DP mum etc) so you could combine their visits? and then make some sort of rota, but it's also a good time to start your own traditions. You can see family all year around, not just Christmas.

All this. Don’t get sucked into the politics of people not getting on. They need to be grown ups and get on or not come. Plus take responsibility for their own travel and accommodation

We are pregnant and due next year, most likely we will be in this situation next Christmas. Previously l have done lots of running around at Christmas but this isn’t going to be the case for the foreseeable

This. When we had dc we stopped any travelling. It really wasn't in their interests to cart them around during this time from house to house. I would invite anyone to pop by but we did it our own way.

We stopped visiting people at Christmas when we had our children. I am totally happy if people want to join us (they never do) but we don't go anywhere and our boys are now in their 20s

Apologies as I haven’t RTFT

My honest advice at this stage in your child’s life and going forwards, with lots of spread out family, is to have Christmas at your own home. Whether that means hosting others or visiting on any other day but Christmas Day can be decided but getting into the habit of taking turns each year or visiting multiple households on Christmas Day isn’t great with a young child.

If you choose to go to multiple houses to everyone gets to see you, your child gets to open their presents then they are whisked off to begin a relentless day of visiting, present opening, staying for a bit, then rushing off somewhere else.

If you choose to do turns - stay for the majority of the day at one place - what happens to the rota if you feel obliged to swap one year for whatever reason? The unexpected death of a family member, divorce or a decline in health would mean you’d want to prioritise the affected family members.

Have Christmas at your own home, invite people if you feel you can manage, see them all another day if not. Christmas is for family but don’t forget that your new arrival has created a new family. Spend the day with them.

You can either rotate or do christmas just you and see family at other times. It also depends on what other family the parents have? Are there other children etc?

I haven't been with my family at Christmas for 10 years because they live in a different country.

I also think that christmas is just a date so you can have your own family get together at another date.

During lockdown we celebrated xmas with my boyfriend's family during the summer, at other times we have a family Christmas a few days after Christmas.