To think future Christmases are going to be a nightmare

[xmasdread]

NCed because of details

Mine and my husband's parents are both split. His as a child, mine a few years ago.
Parent 1 still lives nearby and we're very close with
Parent 2 recently moved to the other end of the country and we were never close with

Parent 3 lives in Europe, usually they rent an air b&b when visiting

Parent 4 lives elsewhere im Europe, can't afford accommodation so relies on others for a place to stay when visiting

We've just had a baby. We've told family that our first Christmas with baby will be just us as a family and we will see other family on other days. All but 1 parent has arranged visiting near xmas.

AIBU to dread christmases going forward? I always dreamed of having big family christmases but with 4 separate sets of parents to visit I feel like every year is going to be a nightmare and get political. I love Christmas and want to enjoy it with my children, I don't want to have to figure out where we have to spend it each year in order to avoid jealously etc.

How would you handle it?

Set the precedent that Christmas Day is for you and your nuclear family. See others on Christmas Eve, Boxing Day or other times. Just tell them.

Pick your favourite parent and visit them and only them for 16 years straight.

Have Christmas at home this year.
Go to parent 1 next yearr if you want to.

My advice is do not get into any turn taking or cycles or whatever. DH and I have always refused to do this, we used to go away sometimes at Christmas pre-DC and wanted to not have anyone moaning that it was their turn with us.
Now it's just us and DC for Christmas but if we want to invite someone we'll do it. We've actually invited a friend for Christmas this year, she would otherwise be on her own and is very easy company.
We are ignoring any suggestions that this is unfair, it's our house!

You need to stop worrying about upsetting people. Once you do that, everything will be easy.

The only parents I would really bother with out of your list are 1 and 3. 1 because you're close to them, 3 because they don't sound much hassle. Parent 2 chose to move away... choices have consequences including not having such a close relationship. Parent 4 sounds like a hassle to host so I'd only bother (and not at Christmas time) if they're a considerate house guest.

Just tell everyone else that you're going to Parent 1's house (or staying home, whatever you prefer) because that is what works for you. Stop pussyfooting around them... of course you're going to be closer and do more stuff with the parent who lives nearby. It's inevitable.

We have a similar situation and we always offer to host and say that anyone is welcome to come as long as they can be polite to each other.

I think officially just you at home but, if none of Parents 2-4 actively make plans to come and see you, just spend it with Parent 1 as you see fit (going to hers or her coming to yours). If Parent 1 would otherwise be alone for Christmas, the others should just suck it up and accept she will be factored into your plans regardless.

Start as you mean to go on. Set your boundaries and expectations now.

Stay put for the child. Give an outlook calendar and let them book in

a few years ago myself, dh and dc decided to stay home every Christmas rather then visiting everyone. Best thing we ever did. Yes we still see them during the festive period but the day itself is reserved just for us.

all of ours are localish but even driving around visiting everyone got stressful!

If you want to see parent 1 and they want to see you do that.

If any of the abroad parents are nearby any year prioritise them for a brunch or Christmas eve/Boxing day.

Invite parent 4 to stay once in a while if they feel they are missing our.

My ex’s parents (mum and stepdad - both widowed) used to arrange a Christmas lunch in a private dining room in a hotel midway between our homes on the weekend before Christmas. They had 4 children between them and didn’t want to show favourites. It was great for little ones who had space to play together without annoying other diners. Altogether there were about 14 of us and it was always lovely and relaxed. The parents paid for the dinner as part of their Christmas presents to us, and we usually paid for them and us to stay over so we could spend more time together. After that was over they took themselves off to one of those luxury hotel Christmas Eve/day/Boxing Day events. Now that sounds like a perfect Christmas 🎅

I feel your pain. Ours are all abroad and hate travelling. At least they aren't divorced too. I had kind of planned for travelling to them alternate years but COVID killed that dead at Nd DH has got a taste for quiet Christmases. We have a portal and my in-laws have one too. It is AMAZING. It is pretty close to having them in the same room. We move the dining room table into the living room (easier than the TV into the dining room) and have Christmas Eve dinner with them (that is their equivalent of our Christmas Day dinner). My mum sadly just won't even try with technology. This year my widowed mum is coming over for nearly a month and travelling around myself and my siblings. We will host her over Christmas. We will still do our virtual meal with the on laws. The in laws also 'drop in' for presents.

Can you sort out portals with some of the parents and do bits of Christmas and New year virtually, maybe combined with visits from some of them, possibly mixing between the two sets as personalities will allow. I would caution against a schedule but just go with the flow each year with a mix of hosting and virtual meet ups depending on how things work each year.

I'm in a very similar situation. I spread out the days so Christmas eve is for X, boxing day for Y and the Bank Holiday or for Z. Xmas day at home no visitors. DS gets to play with his presents uninterrupted, no dressing up, eat when we want and it's less stressful. Presents are exchanged during visits and nice meals made so DS must think he gets more than one Xmas day. Spread the joy, see it as a positive.

Absolutely start as you mean to go on. Make it clear that you will always be spending Christmas at home so you can build up family traditions and avoid upsetting anyone. Don’t let the craziness start.

Parent 1 still lives nearby and we're very close with see them whenever over Xmas you want, and they're willing to visit

Parent 2 recently moved to the other end of the country and we were never close with I'd plan a visit either early Dec or mid Jan, they of course can visit you if they choose

Parent 3 lives in Europe, usually they rent an air b&b when visiting, we'll looks like it's on them to visit really, I'd prob make an effort over summer. If they're staying local over Xmas, I'd visit one of those days

Parent 4 lives elsewhere im Europe, can't afford accommodation so relies on others for a place to stay when visiting as above re leave it on them but go over in the summer.

They can face time or call

I’d make it about my DC and not worry about anyone else x

I think in life, you often get what you're willing to give. One parent has stayed local & made the effort to maintain a relationship with you. The other three have moved away & it seems like you're worried their feelings will be hurt because you can't spend as much time with each of them as the one who chose to stay nearby? Have they actually voiced this to you, what did they expect when they moved away, that you'd do all the effort & bear all the costs of travelling to each family member?

We are in the same situation, with DHs parents split a very long time ago and his sister in Brazil. When we first got together and had DS we decided to spend time with my sister and my nieces every Christmas Day as it's about kids. Then my dad left my mum so it complicated things even further.

Now we are nine years in and everyone has their allocated "slot" which suits:
DH massive family party with 25-30 in a rented hall: early December
Last weekend before Christmas with my DD, his partner and DS and family: lunch out in my town as we are halfway between everyone, we host a picky tea and drinks. Everyone else gets hotels.
Panto with DMIL and her partner sometime in the lead up to Christmas
Christmas Eve: DFIL and DSMIL, usually fish and chips by the seaside and they come back for stockings to be hung etc
Christmas morning: just us. Waking in our own bed 🙌🏻 some time at home
Christmas Day: drive to DM and DSis town where we share the day and stay at my mums.
Boxing Day: recoup 😅
27th is DMIL birthday so we see her then again

So yes, we have five christmases throughout December. It's actually nicer because DS(9 and 6) get presents spaced out so don't get overwhelmed on one day and misbehave accordingly. Its not the big family Christmas that I dreamed of either, but it is nice. Hope that helps xxx

Just stay at home in future years, and invite all the parents on separate days to yours. Their divorces don’t need to be your problem, or your responsibility to solve.

This! That's too many people to navigate

It really isn’t hard. You just decide what you are and aren’t willing to do as a family and say that in a pleasant and polite (but firm) tone of voice.

Let’s say next year P1 offers to host and you say “yes please”. P2/P3/P4 will either
a) offer to host “how lovely of you to offer but we’ve made plans” and now they know they need to ask you earlier next year.
b) fish for an invitation to yours “we’re not at home this year”
c) want to come visit “we have plans that day but what about the 28th/29th/30th”
d) want to stay “you’re very welcome” or “sorry but we just don’t have the room to put you up”

It’s not your job to keep everyone happy - their job as adults is to manage their expectations and feelings when life presents the occasional disappointment.

You’re both probably coming from a similar psychological place as the dc of divorced parents. But managing your dp’s relationships and feelings was never your responsibility. It wouldn’t be a terrible idea to do a little couples counselling around this now.

Presumably, these parents are all older than you. Ergo, they’re more experienced and more wise.

Who gives a rat’s ass what they expect?

You expect them to act like the adults they are and to not pitch fits over who spends Christmas with whom.

If they can’t manage that, then you should express your disappointment in them, as if they’re the children and you’re the adults.

End of, as far as you’re concerned.
Don’t let anybody draw you into their bullshit drama. Don’t stand for it - don’t have it.

Be the star of your own life. Do what you want with no regrets and without anybody trying to make you feel guilty.

We always stay home and say they can visit us. In-laws come to us as we are only family. They literally just come for dinner.
my parents host other family so don’t come to us. We see then Xmas day.

Can't this all be resolved with just some calm adult conversations with the relevant individuals?

I mean are you going to tip toe around other people's feelings for ever?

Are any of them tiptoeing around yours?

We’re in the same position (4 sets of parents) and decided any sort of rotation would be a nightmare as we’d only have a Christmas on our own every 5 years!
We decided once DS was born that we’d spend Christmas on our own but we do make an effort to do something special with each parent over the Christmas period.
It’s the best we could come up with to keep everyone relatively happy.
Its stressful and guilt inducing though!!