To think future Christmases are going to be a nightmare

[xmasdread]

NCed because of details

Mine and my husband's parents are both split. His as a child, mine a few years ago.
Parent 1 still lives nearby and we're very close with
Parent 2 recently moved to the other end of the country and we were never close with

Parent 3 lives in Europe, usually they rent an air b&b when visiting

Parent 4 lives elsewhere im Europe, can't afford accommodation so relies on others for a place to stay when visiting

We've just had a baby. We've told family that our first Christmas with baby will be just us as a family and we will see other family on other days. All but 1 parent has arranged visiting near xmas.

AIBU to dread christmases going forward? I always dreamed of having big family christmases but with 4 separate sets of parents to visit I feel like every year is going to be a nightmare and get political. I love Christmas and want to enjoy it with my children, I don't want to have to figure out where we have to spend it each year in order to avoid jealously etc.

How would you handle it?

Don't visit any of the parents, and just enjoy a nice time at home. Easy!

Then you say that you will stay at home for Christmas from now on. You might say that anyone is welcome to join you for Christmas if they can be civil when they’re there and also join in and help, but only if you want it…

Id stick with the arrangememts that youve made this year. Christmas day is your little family and then see wider family on the days around it.

Stay at home on Christmas day and arrange visits on the other days at Christmas

Keep Christmas at yours, invite everyone, see who accepts! We did the visiting round family for the first few years (admittedly less family members) and then did this. Up to them if they want to see you on the day or arrange another time.

This. One of my friends has 5 dc between her and her DH so they never see them for Christmas to keep things fair.

Too much politics say you are going to have Christmas as a family.

Mixed family Christmases can be a pain but only if you let them.
Don't make plans for any Christmas days ever. If the family want to visit they will on your terms.
My OH has a dgc for a few years we went to his ds for a few hours, then the ex turns up. He's promised not to put us through it again.
You make your rules your a grown up.
See ppl on Christmas eve or boxing dau

We have a similar situation and I'll be honest it's a nightmare.. it makes Christmas so stressful and at least one parent feels like they are missing out / gets jealous.

It's easy for other people to say "oh just do what you want, it's not your problem" but with ageing lonely parents it's really hard to just leave them.

Only advice I have is to try and alternate who you see and rope siblings in to see the others if at all possible...

Do the parents have new partners or are they on their own? I wouldn’t like the idea of anyone having to spend Christmas alone. Can two parents visit together for Christmas- eg, your mum and his dad? Would that work?

The thing is that parent 1 lives down the road and we are very close with. They would love to host us for xmas and I expect will offer this next year and honestly we'd like to do that. But it'll look like we're choosing parent 1 over the others. But we're close with them as they're the only parent who hasn't chosen to move away from us so what do the others expect!

We don’t have divorced parents but we’ve always insisted on staying home and parents visit us. DC are older teens now so we’re over it all 😄

Well this year my DH and I have lost a parent each, and one other parent is now long term in hospital/care. What I would give to have your "problem" of lots of loving parents around me who all wanted and were able to see us and our children at Christmas. Our Christmas is going to be a nightmare for very different reasons to yours.

@mrsm43s I'm sorry for your loss that sounds really hard. This reply feels unnecessary though, the reason that it's a 'problem' is because I care about my family and I don't want to upset them. If I don't address this and give it some thought then people will end up hurt and feeling left out.

We do a 3 year cycle.
1)Christmas just us
2) go to my parents
3) invite DHs parents for Christmas (usually declined)

Could you stretch to a 5 year cycle for Xmas Day, and see others over the Christmas period?
For various reasons, my parents have had way over their allocation (mainly because if DH is not in the UK on the 25th, I go to my parents whatever it should be!).

We used to race around seeing various family members, but we now host Christmas Day with an open invitation to join us for lunch. It’s worked out really well as we don’t now have grumpy dcs being made to travel all over.

I would not overthink it, see how things go, it might be that not all the parents are that bothered after the first year. You can always have an open house at yours on condition of civility

We stay home Christmas Day now.
DP1 lives the next street, we see her whenever she decides she actually wants to make an effort
DP2 lives 30miles away, we see them on Boxing Day
DP3 lives 190miles away so we all decide a convenient date for us to travel down there

There's never arguments, we just all decide between us 😊

It’s bad enough just with our small family (both grandparents are still married but live in different counties, neither of which we live in). It’s all about compromise, you can’t have big family Christmases and for nobody to be inconvenienced. Have your own one, go to different parents on a different day and have ‘Christmas’ there on a different day. Let them come to you and have a ‘Christmas’ on a different day. Share out special birthdays, etc. you can start your own traditions if that’s what you like, or make it more spur of the moment. Just me mindful that they all love your family and want to see them, so at certain points someone is going to be inconvenienced

Just make it clear that you don't travel at Christmas.

Offer to host Christmas dinner at your home. All parents are invited. All parents are responsible for finding their own accommodation and transportation. Anyone who can’t get along, that is their problem, not yours. They can stay home.

people who can’t afford to make the trip, I’m guessing you occasionally visit at some other time so that will be when you see those people.

they're the only parent who hasn't chosen to move away from us so what do the others expect!

So if you/your partner get offered an amazing job opportunity 500 miles away you shouldn't expect to maintain a relationship with parent 1 because you moved away?

No need to stress now about future years. You can take turns, you can have years where you don't visit or host anyone, you can have years where you go to the beach.

So if you/your partner get offered an amazing job opportunity 500 miles away you shouldn't expect to maintain a relationship with parent 1 because you moved away?

Well you won't maintain the same relationship which I think is the OPs point.

OP in future years why not suggest that parents 2-4 visit at times other than Xmas? You can say (quite honestly I expect) that Xmas is a very busy time of year and you want them to visit at a time when you can enjoy proper time with them?

Beat me to it! This @xmasdread ^

Stick with your arrangements. If you want to accept an invitation from parent 1 do so - that doesn't involve hassle (or go Christmas Eve/Boxing Day).
We've always had a 'just us' Christmas - the other days are negotiable

Solidarity OP. Similar situation here with close family (DPs side) 10 minutes away and other separated and spread far and wide. All but one have said 'appreciate you'll want to spend Christmas as your new family unit, we'll see you around the time' and one has kicked off about missing their grandchild's first Christmas. I absolutely do not want to get into turn taking, but if this parent insists on coming for Xmas then the precedent is set for the rest.

So yeah, stick to your guns now, do what you want for you family