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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider letting DS move schools?

41 replies

kartagps02 · 08/11/2022 18:34

Looking for an outsiders perspective.

DS(14) has been best friends with a boy since year 7 lets call him J, they're now year 9. They are inseparable and I was often told at parents evenings that they very rarely saw one without the other.

He has a few other friends but J was the boy he got along with the best, DS came out as gay just before the summer holidays, and he has experienced some homophobic bullying - we have reported it to the school each time and it seems to carry on either way. The school is an all boys school and some of them have decided to not be friends with DS anymore, so since September he has been socialising with just J.

On Friday, J had his last day at the school and has started a new one this week, his parents told me it was because J wasn't happy there and the school wasn't very good in some ways like bullying etc which I agree with. DS has been very upset since he found out J was leaving but J promised DS he wouldn't make any other friends to replace him etc.

It's only been 2 days but DS seems to be struggling, he came home today crying saying he misses J, but he J has told him he's happy at his new school and has made friends which I think has upset DS more. He told me he spent break time and lunchtime alone again and some boys have been making silly comments asking where his boyfriend is etc.

I've been thinking about letting him move schools, but my ex (his dad) has said I shouldn't as he needs to learn to be without J, and he needs to just talking to the other boys instead of being so upset about J

Who's BU? Can I have some opinions please

OP posts:
HBZ287 · 08/11/2022 18:37

I’d wonder if J’s parents moved him to get away from such a codependent friendship and give J some room, sorry.

NCHammer2022 · 08/11/2022 18:37

Ignoring the stuff about J, are you happy with the current school for your son? It doesn’t sound like you are. It probably would be good for your DS to branch out a bit away from the intense friendship with just one person, but this might not be the school to do it in. Are the only options the current school or J’s school?

Stopthebusplease · 08/11/2022 19:24

Oh dear, this sounds like a tricky one. I think on balance I would probably consider moving your DS, as it sounds like bullying is a big factor in this school, and growing up is hard enough these days, plus coming out as gay in an all boys school must make things even harder for him, without him losing his only friend. As previous poster asked, are there any other schools in the area, other than J's school, where perhaps your DS, could have a complete new start, and maybe make new friends?

LadyEloise1 · 08/11/2022 19:40

HBZ287 · 08/11/2022 18:37

I’d wonder if J’s parents moved him to get away from such a codependent friendship and give J some room, sorry.

This was my immediate thought too.

Emmelina · 08/11/2022 19:43

Taking J out of the equation, your son is having a really rough time at the school he’s in now. If school won’t deal with bullying, it’s down to you to get him out of a horrible situation. I don’t think he’ll be able to easily make new friends amongst peers who have already targeted him.

The concern with moving him to the same school as J, is that he might just cling to who he knows and it could impact both of them socially.

Are there other good schools around you can look at? Your son can still stay in contact with J and see him out of school, going to separate schools isn’t a goodbye forever. A new start for both with the opportunity to meet new friends sounds a reasonable idea.

Original poster
kartagps02 · 08/11/2022 19:56

There is one other school apart from DS’s current one and J’s, but I was looking at an ofsted report but it seems to be full, the maximum capacity is something like 1850 and the current students was something just over 1900 so DS wouldn't be able to get into that one.

I'm not sure I'm happy with the school with how they deal with the bullying as the school say they'll speak to the boys but the boys tell DS it's just ‘banter’.

OP posts:
Original poster
kartagps02 · 08/11/2022 20:37

Anyone else?

OP posts:
POLLYprosecco1 · 08/11/2022 20:50

It’s so tricky. My son (yr8) has had a bit of a hard time recently at his school with ‘banter’. But I do think single sex boys schools tend to be more competitive, testosterone fuelled and macho than mixed schools and perhaps your DS might be able to widen his friendship circle if there were girls around? Is J’s new school mixed? I wouldn’t advocate necessarily following him though. My son went to his school with only one friend from primary. Now they are in the same form and really dislike each other. They both compete for the same friends and resent the other.

Perhaps speak to J’s parents about your quandary if you know them well?

Original poster
kartagps02 · 08/11/2022 21:35

Yes, J now goes to a mixed school. I don't know if it would be a good idea to send DS to the same school as him though either especially as DS could get upset seeing J with his new friends, although I'm not sure as DS was fine with J’s friends at the current school and was even friends with some of them as well.

OP posts:
JessesMum777888 · 08/11/2022 21:37

I don’t mean this rudely but are you sure J didn’t want to get away from being so mithered?

POLLYprosecco1 · 08/11/2022 22:00

And this may or may not be relevant but is J gay too?

Definitely speak to J’s parents if you can. And I honestly think a mixed school might be a better option for your son as they might be more accepting of him. Can you look out of catchment at all for another alternative school?

POLLYprosecco1 · 08/11/2022 22:04

Good luck with it all. It’s such a difficult decision but if your son is genuinely unhappy, then yes, I would look to move to a mixed school. Did your son have lots of friends from Primary? And are they at his boys’ school or elsewhere?

It’s a real shame that the current school are not doing more to deal with this homophobia.

starpatch · 08/11/2022 22:08

Surely secondary schools are huge and if you move DS to Js school chances are they wouldn’t be together much. So if that school is a good option I think it’s fine. Just make sure DS has realistic expectations about any move that he will have to make new friends.

HotIceCube · 08/11/2022 22:19

DS went to an all boys school too, moved before the summer.

J will have made friends initially, it’s the honeymoon period of new school life. DS did too and whilst the move has been THE best thing, there still have been ups and downs but nothing like the hostile all boys environment.

I wish we had moved him to a mixed school earlier, the girls at his new school have been a pure tonic for him, he’s made new friends, girls and boys, and even though it was a HUGE decision (our DS’s decision) with many heartfelt decisions over a few months beforehand, this mixed environment compared with an all boys setting, is totally different.

It’s not easy moving schools, later on, but depending on your DC, it could be the best move.

Which area are you in, OP? Cheshire?

Original poster
kartagps02 · 08/11/2022 23:42

J isn't gay that I know of, although homophobic comments were made about him when DS came out due to him being very close to DS, but he also experienced bullying of his own, not involving DS or homophobia. As soon as DS came out to me I was worried about school, and tried to advise him he didn't have to come out to everyone yet (whilst also trying to sound supportive and not like I had an issue with it, as I don't) but he told me he didn't want to hide it, and told everyone at school the next day and came home very upset as he didn't get the reaction he thought he would.

None of his friends from primary school are in our area as I split from his dad and moved near my family again so he knew no one on the first day of year 7, J also knew no one, which I think is how they became so close.

I will speak to J’s mum, DS seems a bit happier now as he called J, and J told him he misses him too but his mum told him they'll become even closer by not seeing each other everyday which seems to have helped, he's also having a sleepover at J’s on Friday which he's looking forward too.

OP posts:
Original poster
kartagps02 · 09/11/2022 08:28

Bump

OP posts:
minipie · 09/11/2022 08:44

It’s been 2 days since J moved school. I think you need to give it a bit of time. In the meantime make enquiries about space at other schools (don’t assume full) and keep on top of whether DS is still getting bullying or not

Is there any way you can encourage other friendships? Does he have out of school hobbies - sport, drama, etc that could lead to other friendships?

Original poster
kartagps02 · 09/11/2022 09:44

DS is part of a football team outside of school with J, but he is also friends with some of the other boys. None of them go to his school unfortunately. I don't think he's still getting bullied, DS did mention the comments yesterday asking where his ‘boyfriend’ is so I'll keep an eye on that.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 09/11/2022 09:59

It's only been 2 days! That's not long enough to even start thinking about moving. Give your DS a chance to get used to the new situation and build some new social networks of his own.
Poor J clearly moved schools in part to build wider friendship groups of his own without your DS. Whatever you do don't move ds to be with J as J is clearly happier without him and your ds could have a very bumpy ride if he gets to the new school and J isn't keen to resume their codependency. It wouldn't be good for either of them.
If you feel a school move would help ds, then choose a third school.

Alertthecorgis · 09/11/2022 10:10

I think you need to remove J for the equation. Are you happy with the school? You might find your son is better in a mixed school which might provide some balance though bullying sadly seems to happen in most schools. Are the school doing enough for your son in terms of dealing with the bullying? I would go without your son and look at a few different options for schools, see what they offer compared with your current school. Our high school has an LGB club, which seems brilliant for gay students.

Goldenbear · 09/11/2022 10:22

Haffdonga, that is a bit cruel and evidently there is a mutual and equal friendship if the OP's DS is going to J's for a sleepover, how is 'J' poor? It does sound like the friend's parents have a different idea but that's not the same as what J feels.

I would think about moving him pre-GCSE if you are going to do it.

Accesscode · 09/11/2022 10:31

Give it a few weeks and monitor how it's going. Encourage your ds to join clubs and meet others at school. I would also look into the third school. It might be full on overall numbers, but have space in your sons year, and you won't loose anything or commit to anything by asking.

Venetiaparties · 09/11/2022 10:46

I would NEVER consider homophobia as banter.
Under any circumstances.

On the grounds your son is being bullied for being gay, what does he want to do? Is he happy to stay in a school that allows this?

It does not matter so much about J, and what their decisions have been shaped by. What matters op is that your own child is in a safe and secure environment and is able to enjoy an education without being bullied. Coming out is huge, and if he connects the bullying so directly with his sexuality he maybe become extremely damaged by it.

Personally I would have moved my son long before the issue with J arose. I would not expect ANY school in the 2022 to describe homophobia as banter. Confused

upfucked · 09/11/2022 10:47

HBZ287 · 08/11/2022 18:37

I’d wonder if J’s parents moved him to get away from such a codependent friendship and give J some room, sorry.

I was thinking this too.

notdaddycool · 09/11/2022 11:01

We moved our (younger) son to a different school almost entirely on social grounds and it's been so good for him.
I'd check on J not trying to escape him and I'd let J settle and find more new friends so hopefully, there is a group he can introduce your son to, also see if your son makes new friends now he doesn't have J. If it's still like this after Christmas look at a move.