To consider letting DS move schools?

[kartagps02]

Looking for an outsiders perspective.

DS(14) has been best friends with a boy since year 7 lets call him J, they're now year 9. They are inseparable and I was often told at parents evenings that they very rarely saw one without the other.

He has a few other friends but J was the boy he got along with the best, DS came out as gay just before the summer holidays, and he has experienced some homophobic bullying - we have reported it to the school each time and it seems to carry on either way. The school is an all boys school and some of them have decided to not be friends with DS anymore, so since September he has been socialising with just J.

On Friday, J had his last day at the school and has started a new one this week, his parents told me it was because J wasn't happy there and the school wasn't very good in some ways like bullying etc which I agree with. DS has been very upset since he found out J was leaving but J promised DS he wouldn't make any other friends to replace him etc.

It's only been 2 days but DS seems to be struggling, he came home today crying saying he misses J, but he J has told him he's happy at his new school and has made friends which I think has upset DS more. He told me he spent break time and lunchtime alone again and some boys have been making silly comments asking where his boyfriend is etc.

I've been thinking about letting him move schools, but my ex (his dad) has said I shouldn't as he needs to learn to be without J, and he needs to just talking to the other boys instead of being so upset about J

Who's BU? Can I have some opinions please

I don't think J moved schools to get away from DS, as surely his parents wouldn't allow the sleepover so soon?

I will look at the third school but I do think it's full, I know it's only been 2 days but DS was very upset yesterday.

I don't think school uses banter as an excuse for homophobia, school tells us they'll speak to the boys and they do, then after the boys tells DS it's banter and he didn't have to tell on them etc. I'm not happy with how they deal with it as talking to them isn't doing enough, just after DS came out some of the boys were making silly comments when getting changed for pe about DS looking, DS wasn't and told the teacher and they gave him permission to get changed on his own which has stopped it but I don't feel it's fair on DS and it's like punishing him instead of addressing the real issue.

This is a tough situation, kids can be horrible. Maybe your son would be better in a mixed school. My DD has 2 gay boys in her friendship group, they all get on amazingly but the boys tend not to have friends who are boys, generally just the friendship group (which does consist of about 13 girls and the 2 gay boys).

I'd want to move mine to a mixed school in this situation

I think the fact J or his family didn't tell you about the move until a few days prior (if I've read correctly) is a strong indicator that they don't want your son following J, he may well feel smothered by the friendship.

Either your son is being bullied and he needs to move, or he's not. Take J out of the equation completely. I'd be encouraging your son to make other friends from clubs, hobbies, neighbours, cousins etc...spread the net more widely.

Going by my experience of modern teens, girls tend to be less homophobic than the boys so I would support moving him to a mixed school.
Which schools do others from his sports team go to? Same as J or the 3rd one mentioned? Or another further away?
I think it would be good life experience for him (& J) to build other friendships rather than rely on each other

No, J didn't tell DS only a few days prior DS knew for a while and was upset since then.

I forgot to add DS’s school is small, only about just over 800 students in the whole school (year 7-11) in J’s school (and the other school that I think is full) has over 1000, so even if DS did go to the same school as J they probably wouldn't be in the same classes and would only see each other at breaks and lunch times so they would be separated for most of the day.

Even if DS doesn't get into J’s school, he'd more than likely go there for sixth form (or the third school) if he decides he wants to go as his current school doesn't have a sixth form.

I'd be very weary about why he didn't tell your son, if they were such good friends that wouldn't have happened, sorry :(

Apologies I've misread your message, it read as though he didn't tell him til just before he moved x

I'd inform the school that bullying and making homophobic comments is regarded as a hate crime and ask them what their plans are to stop it before you go to the police

If your son is being bullied at school, I would definitely let him change schools. I was bullied relentlessly from the age of 10 until I went to sixth form college, and it caused depression, low self esteem and anxiety that still cause me issues.

Even if he doesn’t move to the same school as J, it would still be a good thing to do, imo.

One or two of the boys go to the 3rd school, but the rest to go a school further away or a grammar school which is near us but DS had no interest in going to.

You need to speak to the school to find out if they have capacity, not assume some figures that you’ve found online are correct.

Like others, I wonder if J was moved because of the intense friendship with your son. His parents are probably pleased that he’s managed to make other friends at his new school and may not be happy with your son following him there.

My daughter found herself in a similar situation last year. One of her friends became very jealous that my daughter was making new friends and started to try and sabotage them. It wasn’t healthy at all.

It sounds like a very intense friendship with both boys becoming isolated. It was probably one of the factors of J being moved to new school.

First of all J might not have been told he was moving by his parents until it was happening so don't read too much into that (this happened to me once, I finished my school on Friday and started a new one on Monday and I'd had no idea I was never going to see my friends again).

Secondly, if your son is gay, a mixed school will offer much better opportunities for him to socialise so it's worth looking for one. Also the toxic masculinity will be less of an issue.

To be honest, I would be surprised if J’s parents moved him just because of the friendship with @kartagps02’s son. If it was such a big problem, surely they would have tried to solve the issue either themselves or with the help of the school, and they wouldn’t be happy for her son to have sleepovers with J.

Even if J’s parents did move him because they were concerned about the friendship with the OP’s son, that can’t be her priority when she is deciding what to do about her son. He shouldn’t have to stay at a school where he has no friends and is being the victim of homophobic bullying.

Aged about 14, I was already having suicidal thoughts, due to being bullied at school, and I still suffer from depression, anxiety and low self esteem.

DS came home and was upset again as he was alone at break and lunch again. I will contact the schools tomorrow. I did speak to J’s mum and she did say she'd move him if he'll be happier and it seems to be a good school when she spoke to them before J started. DS does know a girl from there as J knew her previously and DS met her on J’s birthday and they became friends.

I really feel for you. My DS is gay, and in Year 12. Up until about Year 8, most of his friends were male, but since that time, every single one of his friends is female. He gets on fine with some of his fellow maths-y boys, but the only friends he socialises with outside of school are female. An all boys school would be disastrous for him socially.