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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think he wants me to learn to drive..

31 replies

Peoe · 08/11/2022 12:28

I'm almost 29 and have never learned to drive.

Now I have DC I've decided to prioritise getting on the road and so I've sent off for my provisional licence and I've been getting quotes from different driving schools for lessons.

I excitedly shared this with my DP (father of our DC who also doesn't drive - lived in London all of his life and never felt the need to bother as teansport here is great)

I'm from a small town on the other side of the country and haven't seen most of my friends for years. I said I couldn't wait to be able to drive down there and see them eventually.

Instead of seeming pleased for me his response was, whilst talking to our LO.. "mummy's going to be going out partying every weekend"

I don't go out partying, haven't for years.

I don't really have a social life here.

He's not

AIBU to think that was a shitty thing for him to say and actually he should be encouraging me?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 08/11/2022 12:29

Is he usually controlling like this? He doesn’t want you to drive in case you drive off and don’t come back

Original poster
Peoe · 08/11/2022 12:31

Shoxfordian · 08/11/2022 12:29

Is he usually controlling like this? He doesn’t want you to drive in case you drive off and don’t come back

I don't tend to give him the opportunity to be controlling as like I mentioned in my OP I don't really have a social life other than going for dinner with DB and SIL once a month.

I think his response has showed me that he certainly would take issue with it if I did..

OP posts:
MegGriffinshat · 08/11/2022 12:34

Wow. Well he’s showing his true colours here, isn’t he?

Will he try and put barriers in your way for learning, saying money is too tight etc?

It would make me feel very uneasy.

catandcoffee · 08/11/2022 12:34

That's a weird response.
Driving will open many new adventures, and jobs to you.
Don't ever let him stop you progressing.

Mincepietimes · 08/11/2022 12:41

That's a weird response and I don't get why he jumped to that. Why would you even do a motorway journey when you know you'll be driving back knackered and hungover after partying? 😂

I am very uncoordinated. I do drive but if I had said that to my DH he may have joked something related to the cat something like "Mincepietimes will soon be careering down the M62". But also been encouraging.

Good luck learning! I passed my test late aged 28. My biggest achievement as never came naturally to me.

Snugglemonkey · 08/11/2022 12:54

I think that is a very worrying comment tbh. If he does not get behind you, I would be questioning the relationship.

HadEnoughOfBears · 08/11/2022 13:02

It's because he also currently can't drive. He feels threatened by the whole thing- you've made a decision yourself, you're arranging it yourself and soon you'll be able to do something he can't. He feels you'll have the edge over him.

Ignore him and definitely do it if you can.

Ocampa · 08/11/2022 13:13

I got my license at age 38! Go for it.

I don't like the way your partner spoke about it. If he continues you really need to do something about that.

Badger1970 · 08/11/2022 13:17

Then make sure you do it.

His insecurity is his own prison, not yours too.

KettrickenSmiled · 08/11/2022 13:18

I don't really have a social life here.

So ... you moved from your home town to cohabit with him, you had DC with him, & now he is looking to keeping you isolated?

More background needed OP, which I'll read on for if you want to give it ... but that ALONE is a concerning pattern. One all too horribly familiar in controlling relationships.

pewtypie · 08/11/2022 13:19

This would spur me on to learn to drive as soon as possible.

And evaluate if you have limited your social life to appease him.

Is he controlling in other ways?

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 08/11/2022 13:21

He dos not want you to have wings so you can fly away. I would not like it if that was said to me. It smacks of control

Isthisexpected · 08/11/2022 13:26

This is something to pay attention to so well done for clocking it. It is very similar to when a friend of mine started talking about getting fit and went onto lose 15 stone (an unsupportive controlling husband!)

FOJN · 08/11/2022 13:27

His response would motivate me to learn to drive even quicker. His fear of you gaining additional independence would be both a turn off and a red flag for me.

If it's a weird isolated incident then I'd let it go but he would certainly have put me on alert to observe for other types of controlling, manipulative behaviour.

Controlling men rarely start out by laying down the law about what they will and won't "allow" you; they subtly let you know they disapprove of certain things and incrementally work up to more overt forms of abuse.

YukoandHiro · 08/11/2022 13:29

Definitely learn. I learned as a teenager but then didn't drive for 15 years after moving to london. We got a car during lockdown due to me and DH both being v high risk so not wanting to use public transport. Now our kids are school age we NEED it. We drive at least every other day. Getting kids around to activities etc takes much less time when you're not waiting for the bus.

America12 · 08/11/2022 13:30

What a dick. Controlling.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/11/2022 13:32

Ugh I absolutely loathe that talking through the baby thing. It’s so passive aggressive.

Shoxfordian · 08/11/2022 13:38

Why don’t you have much of a social life? Does he not like you to go out without him?

ChocolateCinderToffee · 08/11/2022 13:42

If he says that again, your best response is 'One more comment like that and I will!'

bumblebeemumma · 08/11/2022 14:31

My partner passed his driving test at 29. He grew up in a city and always worked locally so public transport was all he needed and always available.
I live in a village with minimal train service and virtually non-existent bus service, passed my test when I was 17 so I could get out and about and have had a car ever since. When he moved in with me I nagged him to learn to drive. It took over 3 years of nagging (covid delays didn't help) and he finally took the plunge, booked some lessons and passed his test in April. He now says he wishes he'd done it years ago as now he's seeing the benefit of being able to take our kids out on day trips, look for work opportunities that don't revolve around the bus timetable and not have to rely on other people (me!) to be his taxi. Even silly things like being able to do the food shop rather than me having to do it all the time has made life easier for us both. Ignore your partner and his jealous comments, your world will open up once you're on the road. Good luck!

Therealjudgejudy · 08/11/2022 14:43

Listen carefully to what he is saying...

P1ainJanine · 08/11/2022 15:13

Did he say that because that's what he'd do in your shoes?

If he has a problem with it, it's absolutely not right to use your child like that. What an arsehole!

Might be worth taking an HGV 3 test, too, so you can drive your own furniture van.

billy1966 · 08/11/2022 15:44

MegGriffinshat · 08/11/2022 12:34

Wow. Well he’s showing his true colours here, isn’t he?

Will he try and put barriers in your way for learning, saying money is too tight etc?

It would make me feel very uneasy.

This.

Very PA and unsupportive.

Have a think and get driving.

TalkisChips · 08/11/2022 15:47

Absolute 🚩

FlowerArranger · 08/11/2022 16:00

To recap:
You've moved a long from family to be with him
You bore his children but you are not married
You have no social life
Presumably not many friends either?
And now he wants to stop you from driving...
Plus uses passive aggressive digs as a means of communication.

Do you work,@Peoe ?
What's the financial setup like?
Do you feel in any way vulnerable, either now or potentially in the future?

Do learn to drive.
Start working/get a career.
Get yourself in a position where staying in this relationship is not the only option open to you.
Just in case...