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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to see friend without her child

44 replies

1photocity · 08/11/2022 11:43

Friend has a 13 year old son, me and her usually meet once a week/ sometimes every 2 for a coffee. The past few times, he's been with us as friend is looking for a new school.

I don't really like him being there as he doesn't sit still, so me and friend can't have a proper chat as she's constantly telling him to sit down. She usually buys him a biscuit and a hot chocolate but when he's finished he just wants to leave so friend then leaves in a rush.

AIBU to want to see her without him? And WIBU to cancel until he is in a new school, which I don't really want to do as I do like meeting up with her.

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 08/11/2022 11:45

Just go to her house so he can do his own thing?

ApolloandDaphne · 08/11/2022 11:47

Sounds like you can't have it both ways. She obviously doesn't want to leave him alone at home ( I am suspecting maybe some issues?) so if he isn't in school he needs to come too. You either accept this and just have these short meet ups or cancel for a while but risk damaging your friendship.

WeepingSomnambulist · 08/11/2022 11:48

Why doesn't she just leave him at home? No 13 year old boy wants to sit and have hot chocolate and a biscuit with his mum and her friend.

He should just stay at home. Cant you just ask her to leave him?

hugefanofcheese · 08/11/2022 11:51

Suggest meeting at hers if he can't be left? Otherwise it sounds like a temporary situation and a good friendship so I'd just grin and bear it and keep the meetings going for now. Otherwise, could you have drinks in the evening if there's someone else at home with him?

orbitalcrisis · 08/11/2022 12:15

You could go for a walk. Then you have the duration of the 'loop' to talk.

SkankingWombat · 08/11/2022 12:21

WeepingSomnambulist · 08/11/2022 11:48

Why doesn't she just leave him at home? No 13 year old boy wants to sit and have hot chocolate and a biscuit with his mum and her friend.

He should just stay at home. Cant you just ask her to leave him?

Presumably for the same reason he isn't in school and can't sit at a table past the length of time it takes to eat a biscuit.

OP I agree with meeting at her house, or alternatively would somewhere like a trampoline park work? He can bounce whilst you two get to chat in peace for an hour or two in the attached cafe.

Charcy · 08/11/2022 12:24

"My friend is having issues with her DC and rather than be supportive, or find alternative solutions to help in this evidently shitty time for my friend, I'm going to whine that it inconveniences me."

Swell.

CellarBellaatemycoal · 08/11/2022 12:25

Retro gaming cafe? Trampoline park?

waterrat · 08/11/2022 12:27

Presumably this boy has special needs such as adhd ? Cant you go somewhere for him as well. It must be very difficult for her if he isn't in school

Letthekidsplay · 08/11/2022 12:30

To me a friend is supporting your friend through tricky times not just when they’re fun to hang out with. She’s obviously having a difficult time and may rely on your get together more than realise.

Firesideassembly · 08/11/2022 12:33

Sorry op but sometimes it is a pain when we want access to our friends and their DC are in the way, but they are parents first and foremost and friends second. It's only a temporary phase. Why not wait it out and be supportive? Or suggest going somewhere he would enjoy?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/11/2022 12:37

Clearly there is something going on with the son and she either can't leave him alone, or wants to get him out in the world even if it's just a cup of tea with his mum's friend.

You might just have to be patient while she sorts something out.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/11/2022 12:37

I'm assuming he has some additional needs or behavioural issues hence not being left home alone, not just sitting and zoning out on his phone for an hour, in which case I think it would come across badly if you cancel a regular arrangement because you object ot her additional needs teen imposing on you. It's might not be what you mean but it may well be how it comes across to her.

I'd approach it as "I know Jay isn't that interested I in the coffee shop so until he starts school, do you want to do it differently and meet somewhere he'll be happier?"

Original poster
1photocity · 08/11/2022 12:55

She won't leave him at home as she mentioned when she first started bringing him, she brings him with her to get him out of the house and off his devices. Last week, we took him and friends younger child to a indoor play centre, he seemed to enjoy it but after about half an hour he said he wanted to go home. The week before was a bit better as I had DD the same age as him and they are friends so he was happier to be there and talk to DD but obviously I can't take DD everytime as she has school.

OP posts:
Confusion101 · 08/11/2022 13:03

Letthekidsplay · 08/11/2022 12:30

To me a friend is supporting your friend through tricky times not just when they’re fun to hang out with. She’s obviously having a difficult time and may rely on your get together more than realise.

Agree with this.

gogohmm · 08/11/2022 13:06

I'm sure your friend is as frustrated as you that he won't sit still, I'm guessing that's why he's not in school - has he excluded? Be supportive if your friend and suggest a walk with a park cafe half way around perhaps. Maybe you could help her in her efforts to get the right school for him

clpsmum · 08/11/2022 13:13

She's going through a shit and I expect really stressful time finding him a school and you are bothered because it inconveniences you once a week. Ffs some friend you are

merlotlover · 08/11/2022 13:13

Just know for the time being it's going to be a quick meet up and when he's settled in a new school you can get back to a more leisurely meet, she might be enjoying just the quick meet up with you to get out of the house for a bit

LondonWolf · 08/11/2022 13:16

Charcy · 08/11/2022 12:24

"My friend is having issues with her DC and rather than be supportive, or find alternative solutions to help in this evidently shitty time for my friend, I'm going to whine that it inconveniences me."

Swell.

This.

TenPointsFromHufflepuff · 08/11/2022 13:17

clpsmum · 08/11/2022 13:13

She's going through a shit and I expect really stressful time finding him a school and you are bothered because it inconveniences you once a week. Ffs some friend you are

Yep.

Flyingbye · 08/11/2022 13:19

When you have children out of school and struggling, it's isolating and it does cost you friends. She probably needs you more than you need her at the moment.

Depends how much you like her I suppose.

Badger1970 · 08/11/2022 13:21

I would be honest, say you miss chatting when it's just the two of you. I had a friend who would drag her DD along to everything, only this DD would hog the conversation and you never even had chance to say Hello to each other. Drove me round the bend. She may appreciate some time away from him too, it sounds very intense for her right now.

KettrickenSmiled · 08/11/2022 13:25

AIBU to want to see her without him?
YANBU

And WIBU to cancel until he is in a new school, which I don't really want to do as I do like meeting up with her.
YABU, & cowardly.

You call her your friend, but are prepared to cut her out of her life until she can pack her inconvenient son out of your way?
Why can't you use your words, or imagination?
Suggest different meeting places, go to her house so he won't be asking to go home?

Or even - & this may come as a shocker - ask her how tough she's finding life at the moment, how the school search is going, & what support or respite she might want to ask a friend for?

Charcy · 08/11/2022 13:28

KettrickenSmiled · 08/11/2022 13:25

AIBU to want to see her without him?
YANBU

And WIBU to cancel until he is in a new school, which I don't really want to do as I do like meeting up with her.
YABU, & cowardly.

You call her your friend, but are prepared to cut her out of her life until she can pack her inconvenient son out of your way?
Why can't you use your words, or imagination?
Suggest different meeting places, go to her house so he won't be asking to go home?

Or even - & this may come as a shocker - ask her how tough she's finding life at the moment, how the school search is going, & what support or respite she might want to ask a friend for?

Yup

Isthisexpected · 08/11/2022 13:29

Imagine the stress she's under OP. It won't ne forever! Try and be supportive.