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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to see friend without her child

44 replies

1photocity · 08/11/2022 11:43

Friend has a 13 year old son, me and her usually meet once a week/ sometimes every 2 for a coffee. The past few times, he's been with us as friend is looking for a new school.

I don't really like him being there as he doesn't sit still, so me and friend can't have a proper chat as she's constantly telling him to sit down. She usually buys him a biscuit and a hot chocolate but when he's finished he just wants to leave so friend then leaves in a rush.

AIBU to want to see her without him? And WIBU to cancel until he is in a new school, which I don't really want to do as I do like meeting up with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
1photocity · 08/11/2022 14:30

He does have ADHD, he wasn't excluded he was just refusing to go to school. I am trying to be supportive of her, but we can't talk properly if her son is there, I don't think me going to hers would help things as she said she brings him to get him out the house.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 08/11/2022 14:32

1photocity · 08/11/2022 14:30

He does have ADHD, he wasn't excluded he was just refusing to go to school. I am trying to be supportive of her, but we can't talk properly if her son is there, I don't think me going to hers would help things as she said she brings him to get him out the house.

Meaning, quite probably that SHE needs to get out of the house.
So why not oblige her, for the duration?

But intersperse it with going to her house. Explain to her that you are missing having longer catch-ups with her, so you;d like to come to hers so her DS feels settled at home & you two can have a proper long chat?

Jobsharenightmare · 08/11/2022 14:59

"Just refusing to go to school" means he is having such difficultly that not going at all feels like all he can do. You must understand this means the mum is dealing with all of his unmet needs at home and wants a break from it?

Original poster
1photocity · 08/11/2022 15:12

But intersperse it with going to her house. Explain to her that you are missing having longer catch-ups with her, so you;d like to come to hers so her DS feels settled at home & you two can have a proper long chat?

That isn't possible as I only have one day off work during the week, and during the weekend we both have various plans etc so we can't meet up then either.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 08/11/2022 15:15

1photocity · 08/11/2022 15:12

But intersperse it with going to her house. Explain to her that you are missing having longer catch-ups with her, so you;d like to come to hers so her DS feels settled at home & you two can have a proper long chat?

That isn't possible as I only have one day off work during the week, and during the weekend we both have various plans etc so we can't meet up then either.

& you can't see her on a weekday evening, or go round on your day off?

Flyingbye · 08/11/2022 15:16

"Just" refusing to go to school is a much bigger problem than being excluded. It's harder to fix, it affects everyone in the family, it costs parents their jobs, it shreds mental health.

Think of it that she's got a child who is not able to go to school at the moment. She is not able to get time away from him. I expect she would love to meet you alone if that was an option. But she is in a phase of life where that's just not possible at the moment, much like when you have a baby or toddler. It'll pass.

You could try suggesting an evening as a one off, if she has childcare. But it is a bit like trying to do an evening out when you have babies and toddlers - harder than it sounds.

Original poster
1photocity · 08/11/2022 15:43

& you can't see her on a weekday evening, or go round on your day off?

I already meet up with her on my day off.

OP posts:
MilkToastHoney · 08/11/2022 15:44

Invite them both to yours so they get out the house but it won’t matter as much if he’s not sat still?

Go for a coffee and then back to hers after so you can talk longer after DS has got fed up?

Go round to hers in the evening?

Go out together one evening?

Suggest trampoline park or similar so DS can play while you chat?

Walk in park/woods with takeaway coffee so doesn’t matter if DS is active?

Arenanewbie · 08/11/2022 15:54

I don’t think you understand OP. Your friend’s son is not “just refusing to go to school”, he’s got real problem with going to school for some reason : bullying, mental health issues, lack of support etc. Your friend is going through a very difficult time. She didn’t take her son out of school to make your meetings less comfortable. The issue could be much more then taking him out for some fresh air. I’m sure that she’d love to sit leisurely and chat about your personal stuff, books, films or clothes. However she has no choice other then bring him with her.
By the way I’m a bit surprised that you don’t know specifics if you are such a good friend and meeting so often.

DozyFox · 08/11/2022 15:54

It sounds like you don't care about her tbh

Chailatteplease · 08/11/2022 16:00

You sound quite selfish. If it’s really bothering you then just avoid meeting up until he’s back in school. But if it were me, I’d put up, shut up and offer my support.

Original poster
1photocity · 08/11/2022 16:17

I do care about her and I understand it is difficult for her etc. He refuses to walk anywhere unless he wants to go somewhere so we can't walk in the park. We could possibly go back to hers but I don't see how it'd help him with only being out about half an hour in the week then hes out at weekends too.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 08/11/2022 16:23

1photocity · 08/11/2022 16:17

I do care about her and I understand it is difficult for her etc. He refuses to walk anywhere unless he wants to go somewhere so we can't walk in the park. We could possibly go back to hers but I don't see how it'd help him with only being out about half an hour in the week then hes out at weekends too.

You seem to be working quite hard to reject any solutions OP.

You didn't post about how to help him with his tolerance for being out - although that would be nice - you posted about how you could try to have more time 1 on 1 with your friend.
Going to her house would achieve that.
Her lad wouldn't need to ask to go home, & could entertain himself in comfort while you chat.

Win/win, isn't it?
Why are you still objecting? Were you hoping for more support for your original notion of to cancel until he is in a new school?
Has your thread at least given you some clarity about what you want to actually do about your friend's predicament?

takealettermsjones · 08/11/2022 16:37

Have you asked her what she wants? Maybe she's busy and stressed and only has half an hour to have coffee anyway?

Or maybe she'd like a couple of wines on a Saturday when her kids are in bed?

SuckeringSam · 08/11/2022 16:42

This bothers you for what, 2 hours a week? She has to manage his needs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I bet she would love to have a couple of hours without worrying about him but sadly she can't. I hope she has some other friends who are more supportive than you.

TheMorigoul · 08/11/2022 17:03

I think the trampoline park suggestion is good. Or anywhere there's something for him to do and a cafe for you two to sit for an hour and have a catch up without him hovering.

MilkToastHoney · 08/11/2022 18:50

We could possibly go back to hers but I don't see how it'd help him with only being out about half an hour in the week then hes out at weekends too.

What does she do with him after she meets you in the cafe?
If she takes him home anyway because he can’t sit that long in the cafe then it wouldn’t make any difference, would just mean you and your friend could have longer while her DS does whatever he’s doing at home.
If she takes him on somewhere after the cafe couldn’t you go with them?

ClocksGoingBackwards · 08/11/2022 18:56

It sounds like a complete pain in the arse, but you said you like your friend and want to keep her, so this is your time to be a good friend to her. Her son won’t always be 13 and without a suitable school place. No doubt she will also have the opportunity to show she’s a good friend to you at some point over the years of your friendship.

caffelattetogo · 09/11/2022 16:20

Does he bring anything to do? A book etc?

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