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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my SIL to be godmother?

39 replies

Pleaseletmesleepz · 08/11/2022 10:13

My daughter is due to be christened next month and dh’s oldest sister is going to be godmother but I’m really unhappy about it.

It’s important to me that dd would have godparents from both sides of the family, therefore my brother since I don’t have any other close family and one of his sisters, ideally his youngest. She genuinely fits the role of what you would expect from a godmother and has always been exceptionally supportive, kind and generous and easy to get along with.

His oldest sister on the other hand is a bit of a spoilt CF. There have been a few episodes that have been quite upsetting, but on my insistence we have let it go, because, a) she’s family, and b) she plays the poor innocent victim so it’s just easier.

The reason dh’s oldest sister was chosen is because when ds was christened last year, middle sister was GM. Oldest sister was extremely unhappy about this and felt like she should have been asked, and this only added to the strained relationship, but due to her CF behaviour, dh did not want her as GM. Again, I had wanted the youngest sister to be GM, or I thought we could ask all three of them to avoid any jealousy, however, due to lockdown (restrictions on numbers allowed at the church) and her own dd having some serious health issues, as well as middle sister going through a tough personal time, dh thought it would be easier to just ask middle sister.

So this time when I suggested we could ask youngest sister to be GM and oldest sister to be a Christian witness thinking this would be a great idea, dh said oldest sister would be really unhappy about it and would make things even worse, so reluctantly I accepted dh’s wishes thinking this could help with the strained relationship.

I then organise a WhatsApp group and soon realise I have been blocked by oldest sister after I have written who are to be godparents in the group. I’ve been really upset (I struggle with low self-esteem and self-worth) about this as I feel I have been nothing but nice. I completely acknowledge my ego has been hurt here and I may be being petty but in my mind I think how can she be any sort of support to my son when she behaves this way to her mother and father. I also don’t know how I could change her being GM without causing a lot of s*.

Do I just suck it up and accept I can’t go back on it? For if we do his side of the family will likely not go and may even decide not to be part of our lives for a while.

OP posts:
Newmum0322 · 08/11/2022 10:32

she shouldn’t be god mother. Who cares if you upset her? GM will play a central role in DC life… and she blocked his mum?

id out on the group chat that ‘unfortunately SIL has blocked communication from me so is unable to perform the role of GM. Therefor we have asked xxx’.

Grow balls. This needs to be done.

Defiantlynot41 · 08/11/2022 10:37

Why not ask both sisters? (Oldest and youngest)? It's traditional to have 2 female and 1 male godparents for a female child and there are no Covid restrictions now.

Whatever your relationship with them is, by effectively having 2 of 3 sisters as godparents to your children you are driving a wedge between them, as well as with you. And your daughter will be her own person and will in time forge her own relationship with her godparents, why would you start her on a path that leads to division within a family?

ifonly4 · 08/11/2022 10:42

Either way, ask the youngest one and if you really have to the oldest one to keep the piece. Moving forward, they will show their true colours and how much support they'll be to your DD, but it sounds like the youngest will come out on top.

BananaFluff · 08/11/2022 10:46

Which one will help on their spiritual journey the most?

FictionalCharacter · 08/11/2022 10:47

Newmum0322 · 08/11/2022 10:32

she shouldn’t be god mother. Who cares if you upset her? GM will play a central role in DC life… and she blocked his mum?

id out on the group chat that ‘unfortunately SIL has blocked communication from me so is unable to perform the role of GM. Therefor we have asked xxx’.

Grow balls. This needs to be done.

This, and your husband should stop pandering to them.
Lots of Christian love going on in that family eh? 🤨

Original poster
Pleaseletmesleepz · 08/11/2022 10:50

Thank you! I definitely do need to grow some balls. Not sure why I didn’t get given any when she was given oversized ones! Dh did suggest this but warned his family would take her side as a victim and probably not come. I don’t want to be the reason for any rift in the family though and as a consequence my dc not have a relationship with their paternal family members. I should also add, their father is critically ill with cancer so another reason I don’t want to cause any problems.

OP posts:
Oddieconvert · 08/11/2022 10:51

You’ve spent a lot of time asking people who can’t do a damn thing to change the situation. Channel that time in to asserting yourself. You are a parent. This is the start of your journey and you will need to be able to advocate for your child at many points in their childhood. Start now

Oddieconvert · 08/11/2022 10:52

Your dh has a ghastly family OP.

PauliesWalnuts · 08/11/2022 10:54

Does she go to church? Who would be best for spiritual guidance? Does she have a good morale code? Does she even believe in God? Those could be your get-out options.

SunshineAndFizz · 08/11/2022 10:55

Eh why were you blocked? You chose her to be GM, which is what she wanted?

Original poster
Pleaseletmesleepz · 08/11/2022 10:57

My church only allows one male and one female godparent and two Christian witnesses. Oldest is GM and youngest is CW. The middle was GM for my oldest so we didn’t ask her this time to make it fair to the others.

OP posts:
Youdoyoutoday · 08/11/2022 10:58

Newmum0322 · 08/11/2022 10:32

she shouldn’t be god mother. Who cares if you upset her? GM will play a central role in DC life… and she blocked his mum?

id out on the group chat that ‘unfortunately SIL has blocked communication from me so is unable to perform the role of GM. Therefor we have asked xxx’.

Grow balls. This needs to be done.

This!

No way would I have someone so petty as godmother to my child!

Oddieconvert · 08/11/2022 11:01

genuine question

Does your dh have a backbone?

Original poster
Pleaseletmesleepz · 08/11/2022 11:01

Oddieconvert · 08/11/2022 10:51

You’ve spent a lot of time asking people who can’t do a damn thing to change the situation. Channel that time in to asserting yourself. You are a parent. This is the start of your journey and you will need to be able to advocate for your child at many points in their childhood. Start now

Thank you, you’re right. I genuinely worry sometimes how I will install any confidence in my children when I am so lacking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pleaseletmesleepz · 08/11/2022 11:07

Oddieconvert · 08/11/2022 11:01

genuine question

Does your dh have a backbone?

No 😔. This too also upsets me as he has never stood up for me in any situation (not that there have been many!), but I have always defended him if anyone (friends or family) have ever said anything negative, whereby if it’s on the other foot he just stays silent.

OP posts:
Oddieconvert · 08/11/2022 11:09

Op

you have bigger, much bigger, issues to address than this namely your marriage and your future and your child’s future

Hummingbird88 · 08/11/2022 11:09

Why did she block you after you'd told her she was GM?

I could have written your story myself a few years ago. We ended up not asking the CF older sister (my DH's decision) and went with the younger sister. The older sister completely kicked off at the Christening and spoilt the whole day. I don't regret it though.

LBFseBrom · 08/11/2022 11:13

It seems awful that there is discord around a Christening. Being a godparent is a big responsibility, it should not be bestowed on anyone just because they are a relative. Indeed many people believe it is better to choose close friends whom you know and trust, than aunts/uncles etc who already have a role.

You can have more than one godmother, some people have two or three. Think about it.

Oddieconvert · 08/11/2022 11:16

Hummingbird88 · 08/11/2022 11:09

Why did she block you after you'd told her she was GM?

I could have written your story myself a few years ago. We ended up not asking the CF older sister (my DH's decision) and went with the younger sister. The older sister completely kicked off at the Christening and spoilt the whole day. I don't regret it though.

How did she “spoil the whole day”?

Skiingwithgin · 08/11/2022 11:17

Yeah I’d say the same as pp, if she blocks the mother of the child, she forfeits being the god mother.

Agree you should choose who you’d like not who would be the most upset if you didn’t ask!

2bazookas · 08/11/2022 11:22

Tell DH that his older sisters awful/selfish/manipulative/ inappropriate.divisive behaviour illustrates why she would be an unsuitable GM. She has disqualified herself; all her own work. So the job goes to his lovely younger sister.

This is your child and the choice of Godparents belongs to you and DH, not his extended family.

Hummingbird88 · 08/11/2022 11:30

She sat with a face of thunder in the church. Wouldn't speak to me, then cornered just me at the after event and tore a strip off me, saying it was my fault she'd not been asked etc. Said i prefered the younger sister, that she's always been left out (not true). I had to tell her that I'd actually asked her brother (my DH) to ask her to be GM many times, but that he'd chosen not to as she caused so many family fall outs and upset. She'd asked 3 random friends from the pub to be her own DS's Godfather, rather than her own DB but still expected him to ask her. I then went and got DH as I was upset at being yelled at and blamed and he ended up having to calm her down, for hours, with her raking up every imagined slight from the past. He missed a lot of the day. Somehow, I still ended up being the bad guy and she unfriended me on social media afterwards. It's all fine ish these days but I can never fully let my guard down and have a proper SIL relationship/friendship.

Oddieconvert · 08/11/2022 11:33

Hummingbird88 · 08/11/2022 11:30

She sat with a face of thunder in the church. Wouldn't speak to me, then cornered just me at the after event and tore a strip off me, saying it was my fault she'd not been asked etc. Said i prefered the younger sister, that she's always been left out (not true). I had to tell her that I'd actually asked her brother (my DH) to ask her to be GM many times, but that he'd chosen not to as she caused so many family fall outs and upset. She'd asked 3 random friends from the pub to be her own DS's Godfather, rather than her own DB but still expected him to ask her. I then went and got DH as I was upset at being yelled at and blamed and he ended up having to calm her down, for hours, with her raking up every imagined slight from the past. He missed a lot of the day. Somehow, I still ended up being the bad guy and she unfriended me on social media afterwards. It's all fine ish these days but I can never fully let my guard down and have a proper SIL relationship/friendship.

Reads like an episode of Eastenders!

Mumontour85 · 08/11/2022 11:37

Why are you and your husband pandering to this childish nonsense??
Choosing a GM is either super important or completely irrelevant. You've made it irrelevant as you've chosen someone that you don't want to guide or take responsibility for your child. So what's the point??!

But don't lose sleep over it ffs, your husband and you should make decisions for your children based on best interest, you're putting this grown ass idiot above your kid. Think on that!

beachcitygirl · 08/11/2022 11:38

Not a fucking chance in hell would she be godMother to my child if she had blocked meZ

I too (like a pp) would go on the family group chat & say dh oldest sister bas blocked me, due to inability to communicate she clearly cannot be a godmother to my child.

I would dig my heels in so hard on this one. I would not bend