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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I just let him follow his dream

44 replies

Stopthechoc · 08/11/2022 07:06

I honestly don’t know if I am being unreasonable here. DH works part time in a job he hates. He would really like to set up his own business by expanding a hobby he already has and which he currently works on in all his free time (which ironically means he is not putting the time he should into his current job therefore fulling behind and getting more stressed). The hobby brings in about £50-£75/month with scope to probably increase it to about £500/month so not exactly enough to live off however he also has a private income of about £1.5k/month.

I work full time, do the bulk of the childcare, most of the housework and carry all of the mental load. I am also the main earner by quite a lot so financially we have a safety net however I don’t have much spare in the way of mental and physical energy.

I’ve said that I not stopping him quitting his job but there is a cost of living crisis and he needs to bring in a comparable income to his current one if he does decide to quit. Should I just let him follow his dream though baring in mind we do have a safety net and it might make him happier?

So as not to stop feed, he also drinks. At the moment he can’t drink at work and I’m just about coping with him. I’m so worried that if he’s working for himself he’s going to be drinking beer all day. However maybe he’ll be happier and won’t feel the need to drink all the time.

Sorry this is so long:
YABU - let him follow his dream
YANBU - he has responsibilities and has a pretty good deal already

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 08/11/2022 07:09

He's an alchoholic, you earn the most and do all the childcare and chores? Any reason why you're staying with him?

Clymene · 08/11/2022 07:11

Let him follow his dream somewhere else. Why are you subbing a lazy workshy alcoholic?

GeekyThings · 08/11/2022 07:12

I put YANBU, but it's a bit of both really. YANBU because unless you agree to fund him, he can't just drop out and try to build up a business, it has to be a joint agreement as you have joint finances and you will be supporting him to do it. It also sounds like you think he may use it as a cover for not working at all and spending his days drinking, which he might if he has a drinking problem, so that needs to be sorted first before he just stops working.

YABU though to take on the majority of house and childcare when he only works part-time, he should be doing more than you. Is it his drinking preventing it? Because if it is his priority is not his work dreams, it's his health and addiction.

ParentallyUnprepared · 08/11/2022 07:15

It's not "following his dream", though, is it? It's giving him an excuse to do even less.

He won't make an income from his hobby because he will be too drunk to put the work in.

Original poster
Stopthechoc · 08/11/2022 07:18

It probably sounds like I’m making excuses for him but when it comes to housework etc I work from home and he doesn’t so it’s easy enough for me to do 15 min here and there. I give him set jobs now (I know, it’s a bit like chores for a child) and they do get done.

if I thought leaving him would solve my problems I would but the thought of leaving my young children in the sole care of an alcoholic every other weekend is just not something I’ll consider so we are where we are for another few years at least.

OP posts:
Luckingfovely · 08/11/2022 07:18

The only thing you're being unreasonable about is putting up with this boozy, workshy, lazy arse of a man. There's no chance he'll bring in more money or change. It won't last as you'll eventually get sick of him; my advice would be to think about a different route forward sooner rather than later and build a completely different life.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/11/2022 07:23

Seriously? He'll just end up drinking even more of the time than he is already.

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 08/11/2022 07:32

Too many huge, garish bright red flags wafting right in your face here op.

I think that you know the answer to this and we are all confirming for you that you are right.

Get your ducks in a row, make enquiries regarding going it alone and put your mind at ease re your worries about the children being in his care alone with his issues.
Seek some legal advice, arm yourself and then do what you need to do to secure a future for you and your kids.
Good luck x

BaronessBomburst · 08/11/2022 07:35

You won't need to leave your children with an alcoholic every other weekend; he won't want the responsibility.

GeekyThings · 08/11/2022 07:43

Stopthechoc · 08/11/2022 07:18

It probably sounds like I’m making excuses for him but when it comes to housework etc I work from home and he doesn’t so it’s easy enough for me to do 15 min here and there. I give him set jobs now (I know, it’s a bit like chores for a child) and they do get done.

if I thought leaving him would solve my problems I would but the thought of leaving my young children in the sole care of an alcoholic every other weekend is just not something I’ll consider so we are where we are for another few years at least.

I do get that, and I know a lot of women who've had to do that while the kids are younger. But you have more cards in the deck than you realise - if you split, if you pay for the house and he can't afford it, then he can't stay there; that means you have the primary residency, at least until you split legally. Your kids will have to reside there, and as their primary carer you also get the majority of the time with them. He'll also have to maintain somewhere himself in order to have the kids for any length of time without you, which he probably won't be able to do right now, meaning he won't be able to have overnights or anything like that anyway, unless he stays with relatives - that means they'll be safer as he will still be monitored.

But you need to be firmer now even if you stay with him, to make putting up with him more bearable at the moment for yourself, and with any hope of maybe repairing your relationship in any way.

So don't say it's up to him, it isn't - say you will not be funding him if he quits work until he gets help for his alcoholism. Be blunt, he needs to know you see it, and that everyone else sees it. Tell him honestly that you think if he does this now he'll just sink into uncontrollable alcoholism and you will divorce him if he does that.

You have to confront him, it's the only way to prevent things from getting worse, sadly.

Clymene · 08/11/2022 07:45

Stopthechoc · 08/11/2022 07:18

It probably sounds like I’m making excuses for him but when it comes to housework etc I work from home and he doesn’t so it’s easy enough for me to do 15 min here and there. I give him set jobs now (I know, it’s a bit like chores for a child) and they do get done.

if I thought leaving him would solve my problems I would but the thought of leaving my young children in the sole care of an alcoholic every other weekend is just not something I’ll consider so we are where we are for another few years at least.

That's a bullshit line.

Original poster
Stopthechoc · 08/11/2022 08:08

Some good advice from people about confronting him with my concerns about what I think this ‘career change’ will do for his drinking. I have spoken to him about his drinking but I think I need to make it clearer about how I see things progressing.

OP posts:
BabyGrooverBug · 08/11/2022 08:11

Stopthechoc · 08/11/2022 07:06

I honestly don’t know if I am being unreasonable here. DH works part time in a job he hates. He would really like to set up his own business by expanding a hobby he already has and which he currently works on in all his free time (which ironically means he is not putting the time he should into his current job therefore fulling behind and getting more stressed). The hobby brings in about £50-£75/month with scope to probably increase it to about £500/month so not exactly enough to live off however he also has a private income of about £1.5k/month.

I work full time, do the bulk of the childcare, most of the housework and carry all of the mental load. I am also the main earner by quite a lot so financially we have a safety net however I don’t have much spare in the way of mental and physical energy.

I’ve said that I not stopping him quitting his job but there is a cost of living crisis and he needs to bring in a comparable income to his current one if he does decide to quit. Should I just let him follow his dream though baring in mind we do have a safety net and it might make him happier?

So as not to stop feed, he also drinks. At the moment he can’t drink at work and I’m just about coping with him. I’m so worried that if he’s working for himself he’s going to be drinking beer all day. However maybe he’ll be happier and won’t feel the need to drink all the time.

Sorry this is so long:
YABU - let him follow his dream
YANBU - he has responsibilities and has a pretty good deal already

He quits the booze (to a level you are happy with) and has a much longer domestic job list.

In exchange he gets to do his hobby job as long as it pays about the same or more than his current part time job.

If he fails to meet any of those conditions he goes back to a proper job.

Be friendly about it but put it in writing, so nobody forgets.

This might be the solution to your problems, not an additional problem

Venetiaparties · 08/11/2022 08:11

WTAF have I just read??????

Why on earth is working part time?
Why are you even considering this?
Why are you doing it all??

You are married to someone leeching from you, you are literally paying to be of service to him. Op please wake up.

Venetiaparties · 08/11/2022 08:14

Op he is an alcoholic, if you take away the element in his life where he needs to stay sober, he will drink more because he can.

Start with the GP and a discussion about support for the drinking
He needs to INCREASE his hours to full time outside of the house to give him less opportunity to drink. His life is not causing him to drink op, you are doing everything for him, his addiction is driving his need to drink. NOT you. NOT his life. Please stop finding excuses for him.

SmokedHaddockChowder · 08/11/2022 08:47

Why are you with this man OP? What positives does he bring to your life?

DH is currently out of work and retraining, and I'm supporting him financially, but:

  • this follows him having always worked full time
  • he does his fair share around the house. For instance, on top of his usual chores he's currently doing the food shop, cooking more dinners than me, and walking the dog.
  • we don't have kids
  • he's not an alcoholic!
Madeyoulook · 08/11/2022 09:07

When I read your op I thought it was a bit iffy for him to give up his job for a hobby but when you said he drinks and will drink even more during the day, it would be a firm no from me, ever. It sounds like he’s doing it to facilitate his alcohol addiction.

Original poster
Stopthechoc · 08/11/2022 09:18

For those asking why I’m still with him, I’m with him for the DC. He isn’t a brilliant father but he isn’t a bad one either. They don’t see his drinking, he does play with them and joins us for meals etc. At the moment he’s bringing more to their lives than if we divorced. As soon as that balance goes the other way I won’t be staying around.

It’s good to have the validation that I’m not being controlling or unfair making him stay in work though so thank you.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 08/11/2022 09:23

I would not agree to him quitting his job. In the circumstances you describe I’m 99 percent sure he will not bring in additional money. You have enough on your plate without adding to it.

Can you speak to Al- anon who provide support for families of alcoholics. They may be able to help you see a way forward.

RandomMusings7 · 08/11/2022 09:38

Your husband is already deadweight in your marriage.

Think long and hard what impact growing up around an alcoholic will have on your kids.

Read accounts of grownup children of parents with alcohol addiction.

This is a much bigger issue than him being an irresponsible lazy ass who is happy to be subsidized by you.

Mangogogogo · 08/11/2022 09:41

I was going to say that I supported my partner last year starting a new business and basically not bringing anything in for a while, same as he did for me when I was training years ago and earning pittance and I think this is pretty normal going in a healthy, loving relationship. Then I read he drinks a lot and my mind completely changed. I’m not shaming him for having a drink problem at all but he really needs that addressing before starting a business, as you say. It is so so hard and long hours and there’s no way he can do it while battling addiction. Then I also got vibes (or straight up read) that you don’t really want to be with him and absolutely do not fund and support someone you don’t love and care for. My ex wasn’t the greatest, lazy, gambled etc and I felt horrific leaving cos we have a child but me leaving made him sort his shit out and he’s a fantastic father and doing well in life completely so please don’t ever think leaving is not the right answer

Alexandernevermind · 08/11/2022 09:41

Sorry, but LTB. He isn't functioning as a joint parent or joint provider, he is just someone else you are having to look after. Not being a particularly bad parent isn't good enough. Start by giving him an ultimatum - his family or rehab.

Clymene · 08/11/2022 09:48

Stopthechoc · 08/11/2022 09:18

For those asking why I’m still with him, I’m with him for the DC. He isn’t a brilliant father but he isn’t a bad one either. They don’t see his drinking, he does play with them and joins us for meals etc. At the moment he’s bringing more to their lives than if we divorced. As soon as that balance goes the other way I won’t be staying around.

It’s good to have the validation that I’m not being controlling or unfair making him stay in work though so thank you.

As the child of an alcoholic, you're kidding yourself.

KettrickenSmiled · 08/11/2022 10:03

Your H is a spoiled brat who wants to play at his hobby while drinking beer.
Expecting you to keep doing the full-time job & all HIS share of the childcare & housework.

This will not end well for you OP.
I would let him make his own decision, & do exactly whatever he wants to do.
With ZERO support from me. Because I'd be divorcing him.

Being married to a skiving lightweight who prefers booze to work, family, or being a decent human is soul destroying. I should know. It cost me a good deal of money to divorce my workshy cocklodger.
HE kicked off about not wanting to work full time anymore too.
Loads of noise & bullshit about how he'd never bring in one penny less than he currently did from his full time (secure, local govt.) job. Then nothing but excuses, & daytime drinking.

His dream - his dime.
He doesn't get to live off your back while you get slowly ground down by his selfishness & boozing.
Go & see a lawyer OP. Just on the quiet - no need to announce it. You'll need one sooner or later. because even if you don't "let" him - what kind of life is that - policing a grown man to keep Doing Adulting? He'll let you down eventually, may as well bite the bullet & shut this down on your own terms.
When YOU are good & ready.

KettrickenSmiled · 08/11/2022 10:07

if I thought leaving him would solve my problems I would but the thought of leaving my young children in the sole care of an alcoholic every other weekend is just not something I’ll consider so we are where we are for another few years at least.
Don't be so defeatist.
He doesn't do any childcare now - what makes you think he'd jump at being a weekend parent?
Talk to a solicitor about co-parenting with an alcoholic, & what procedures you will have to follow to ensure that he doesn't get to have sole care of the DC for whole weekends. He can DIsney dad while he plays at his hobby & drinks.