Should I just let him follow his dream

[Stopthechoc]

I honestly don’t know if I am being unreasonable here. DH works part time in a job he hates. He would really like to set up his own business by expanding a hobby he already has and which he currently works on in all his free time (which ironically means he is not putting the time he should into his current job therefore fulling behind and getting more stressed). The hobby brings in about £50-£75/month with scope to probably increase it to about £500/month so not exactly enough to live off however he also has a private income of about £1.5k/month.

I work full time, do the bulk of the childcare, most of the housework and carry all of the mental load. I am also the main earner by quite a lot so financially we have a safety net however I don’t have much spare in the way of mental and physical energy.

I’ve said that I not stopping him quitting his job but there is a cost of living crisis and he needs to bring in a comparable income to his current one if he does decide to quit. Should I just let him follow his dream though baring in mind we do have a safety net and it might make him happier?

So as not to stop feed, he also drinks. At the moment he can’t drink at work and I’m just about coping with him. I’m so worried that if he’s working for himself he’s going to be drinking beer all day. However maybe he’ll be happier and won’t feel the need to drink all the time.

Sorry this is so long:
YABU - let him follow his dream
YANBU - he has responsibilities and has a pretty good deal already

It probably sounds like I’m making excuses for him but when it comes to housework etc I work from home and he doesn’t so it’s easy enough for me to do 15 min here and there. I give him set jobs now (I know, it’s a bit like chores for a child) and they do get done.
It sounds like excuses because these are excuses.
You WFH - full time. You manage to schedule your time to ensure everything gets done.
He works PART TIME, yet does fuck all. Unless given instruction. By YOU - the only adult doing adulting.

I'm not berating you OP, please don't feel bad.
When trapped in these situations, it's easier to minimise & excuse our partner's poor behaviour than deal with the stark facts of it.
But this is going to break you eventually. I'd simply like you to control your own narrative of how & when - & get out before you are ground down into not much more than your H's enabler.

Who says he'd want to have them?

There is no way he'll actually want to have the children overnight, OP. He will argue he does want that but it won't happen.

Honestly, I would separate from him. He has enough of an income to manage on his own (so won't need anything from you) - he will do whatever he wants anyway, so let him go and do it on his own.

He won't make a success of his hobby. He will just have more time for drinking.

Oh ffs, that's so sad that your bar is set so low. He's like another kid.

He gets a lot of spare time as he works part time and doesn’t do anything around the house. He has more hours of spare time than he has working hours. If he spends all his spare time on the hobby and only makes fifty quid a month, then giving up the part time job to free up relatively few more hours for the hobby won’t bring in much more money.

Why can’t he find a different part time job and keep the hobby? Or better still, find a full time job and do his fair share around the house?

They don’t see his drinking

If you honestly think kids don't notice/know, you are deeply in denial. Deeply, deeply in denial. They always know. And even kids can smell the alcohol. Take it from the daughter of an alcoholic father.

I'd be demanding he get help for his alcoholism and I'd give him an ultimatum; you go to marriage counselling, or you get a divorce. You can't live like this, and it's not fair to your children to expose them to this. Far too many people 'stay together for the sake of the kids', not realising they are doing far more harm than good by not providing children with a more stable and happy home. Most people say they were happy when their parents split up because the house was happier. 'Staying for the kids' is extremely selfish.

So his dream is to drink all day without the interruption of work. Why would you want that in your house?

@Stopthechoc I think what you need to seriously think about is - what will you do if he 'accidentally loses' his job? He could be sabotaging his job right now, he knows he can get away with it as he has gradually got you picking up the slack for him so far.

So decide now, where is your boundary in reality? You've told him he has to stay in full time work. What will be the consequences for him if he fails to do that?

I came on to say this. He will gladly take the opportunity to drink freely.
The alcoholism needs addressing before anything else.

"However maybe he’ll be happier and won’t feel the need to drink all the time."

Bless you heart.

I would be leaving him and seeking to minimise contact time if my partner was an alcoholic. He should be restricted to supervised access to protect the chidren.

It's not a TikTok based hobby is it?

@WandaWomblesaurus fortunately not! It is something that people make a living from so not beyond the realms of possibility that it could work if he actually puts the effort in.

I sure hope he's not a streamer...

£500 a month isn’t really a ‘dream’ though. It’s a hobby that brings in some cash. He still needs a proper job and should perhaps focus on getting one he enjoys more than his current one. The hobby can continue if he wants, but he has responsibilities. It is not unreasonable to point out these facts to him.

Any effort he could put in will be undone by his drinking. It's laughable that you think this work shy cocklodger will have the children every other weekend. That's never going to happen.

This. What does he bring to your life? You're doing all the hard work and he's riding on your coat-tails.

Op, why do you do all the housework if he only works part time? It’s amazing how these men always have an excuse as to why they shouldn’t have to do housework.

Please speak to Al-anon OP. They can give you some guidance about what your options are if you divorce as far as him parenting without supervision.

At the moment you are guessing what would happen. Get informed.