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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If they "can't" do 50/50 shared care then they shouldn't be walking out

115 replies

Klinec · 07/11/2022 22:13

I'm talking about the men who walk out on their families whilst the kids are young and then say they can't do shared care because, for example:

He has shacked up with the OW and she doesn't have room for his DC to stay over because she's got loads of her own (and she doesn't want them there anyway)

He is sofa surfing / bunking on a mate or relatives sofa and can't have his DC live there regularly either.

His work schedule isn't compatible with having his DC overnight.

He works nights and isn't awake to collect them from school.

He can't have them at the weekend because he has to work etc etc.

Those are just a few shitty excuses some of these men give, I'm sure many of you can think of more.

I've just been thinking to myself that (in the absence of abuse ofc) if a man "can't" participate in shared care of his DC when he leaves the family home because he has no stable home to bring them to, then he should bloody well make sure he has a stable environment to go before he ups and leaves so he can begin sharing the childcare immediately.

Don't just walk out and leave it all to the mother, you shithouse.

If he's walking out with no long term plan and only somebody else's sofa in sight then he shouldn't be leaving at all until he has his "ducks in a row" IMO.

OK so I'm not suggesting anybody stay in a relationship they don't want to be in but it infuriates me how some men think its acceptable to just up and leave without any intention to continue looking after his own DC.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Klinec · 07/11/2022 22:18

I'm happy to be told IBU so if you can elaborate on your vote that would be helpful. I'm interested in a discussion

OP posts:
wibblewobbleboard · 07/11/2022 22:21

I did weird hours.

I'm female.

Are you suggesting I should've stayed and continued to be abused because I worked shifts and relied on childcare?

luxxlisbon · 07/11/2022 22:21

In this situation does it matter if they are together or not though? I can only assume that a man who leaves his partner and kids and says he “can’t” do 50/50 care of the children after he moves out likely wasn’t doing close to 50/50 while he lived there anyway.

AuntieDickhead · 07/11/2022 22:22

My ex didn't do school runs when we were together. Not sure why I'd expect him to when he left.

Mind you I was 'lucky' if he saw them one day per week let alone anything more so my opinion is skewed.

wibblewobbleboard · 07/11/2022 22:22

Also. I left late at night with zero plan. Because abuse. Are you saying I should've stayed?

Original poster
Klinec · 07/11/2022 22:23

wibblewobbleboard · 07/11/2022 22:21

I did weird hours.

I'm female.

Are you suggesting I should've stayed and continued to be abused because I worked shifts and relied on childcare?

As I said in my OP, in the absence of abuse.

Nobody should remain living with somebody who is abusing them, not for childcare, convenience or anything else.

OP posts:
ThatGirlInACountrySong · 07/11/2022 22:23

Well the family home would need to be sold and everything split so there's 2 stable homes

wibblewobbleboard · 07/11/2022 22:23

But you see.

If you listen to my ex there was no abuse.

Original poster
Klinec · 07/11/2022 22:26

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 07/11/2022 22:23

Well the family home would need to be sold and everything split so there's 2 stable homes

Not everybody is a home owner though.

My ex left our (rented) family home and pitched up on his DF's sofa.

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 07/11/2022 22:26

I’ve noticed that most mums don’t want 50/50 anyway

Original poster
Klinec · 07/11/2022 22:27

luxxlisbon · 07/11/2022 22:21

In this situation does it matter if they are together or not though? I can only assume that a man who leaves his partner and kids and says he “can’t” do 50/50 care of the children after he moves out likely wasn’t doing close to 50/50 while he lived there anyway.

In my case, when he was here he definitely did his fair share. No doubt there are plenty of others who don't though.

OP posts:
declutteringmymind · 07/11/2022 22:28

I agree, but nesting is also an alternative (in a non abusive relationship.

CaronPoivre · 07/11/2022 22:29

I think it’s less about the equal rights of parents, more about what is best for the children. I can’t believe feeling like an inconvenience or having to constantly swop homes is in their best interests.

Aarohi · 07/11/2022 22:32

If I can rephrase your post (sorry if this is not what you meant): each parent has the responsibility for 50% of the child's parenting, care, and well-being. It there is some reason that cannot happen right away after a split it should be an ongoing top priority.

Coffeaddict · 07/11/2022 22:33

SpinningFloppa · 07/11/2022 22:26

I’ve noticed that most mums don’t want 50/50 anyway

This.

DPs ex had an affair and left with her bit on the side while DP was at work. She went to live with him and immediately had DSS ( 2 at the time) calling new man daddy.

DP had to fight to get the 40% custody he now has. Alot of women don't want to give up their time with their children, which I can see.

I'm not saying there aren't shit father's out there but there are also plenty of women who don't put the best interest o f their children first.

WeWantBoo · 07/11/2022 22:34

CaronPoivre · 07/11/2022 22:29

I think it’s less about the equal rights of parents, more about what is best for the children. I can’t believe feeling like an inconvenience or having to constantly swop homes is in their best interests.

I actually very much agree with this.

Ultimately I think in most cases it’s too much disruption for the kids. Shuttled about half the week/month/holidays etc is a lot.

I say this as a child of divorced parents who’s split was probably 70/30.

Interviewnamechange · 07/11/2022 22:34

In that case the child benefit would need to be shared and neither of the parents would be entitled to financial support from the government as they both have the same earning opportunities.

wibblewobbleboard · 07/11/2022 22:37

Also. Is 50/50 best for the kids?

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/11/2022 22:37

How many mums do you know who’d want 50/50, no maintenance, not getting more than half of any assets there are? Losing half the time with their kids? Having to consider the other parent a proper equal?

If you know lots they’re certainly not hanging around on here. Men who want shared care are usually considered selfish and cheap and the kids described as victims having no real home.

PeekAtYou · 07/11/2022 22:38

Yabu

Sometimes parents need to travel eg lorry drivers or work overnight eg police officers so can't have the kids 50/50. It's unreasonable to expect a world where parents can only work hours that fit with nursery hours.

SallyAnn32 · 07/11/2022 22:40

I wouldn't want 50/50 but my ex won't even have the kids half the school hols so if all comes down to me. He said he didn't do that when he lived with us so why should he now 🤦🏻‍♀️ his GF walked out on her 3 children and they spend 5/7 days with their dad.

wibblewobbleboard · 07/11/2022 22:40

I mean.

If someone works nights, what do you expect them to do? Give up work and claim benefits (but only single person ones obviously because they how would they be entitled to anything for the children?)

SpinningFloppa · 07/11/2022 22:41

I see posts on here from women who resent their ex having the children every other weekend, sad thing is some women do think they own the children and they are “letting” their ex see them. Post after post from women saying they can’t cope being separated from their kids eow can you imagine them wanting 50/50? I would say the vast majority of women don’t want 50/50 and men that do want 50/50 apparently it’s only so they don’t have to pay maintenance.

wibblewobbleboard · 07/11/2022 22:44

Also. If he chooses to shack up with any other woman, why is it her issue that HE hasn't considered room for his kids? She will have her house set up that works for her. If he isn't considering his own children that's on him, not her.

Rtmhwales · 07/11/2022 22:45

Most of the men I know want 50/50 (and where I live abroad still have to pay maintenance on 50/50) but the mothers refuse. Constantly on here it's stated that it's not in the child's best interest for 50/50. So what's the real solution..?

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